some unsettled feelings.

i'm not sure if anyone has heard of this.
but, people say..
the longer you are with your partner, the more you two will look like each other.



don't know what to make out of it.
similar, no?

i am hating myself a lot for a lot of things which i've been doing to him.

i've been a total nuisance.
say mean things which i will later regret.
and him, being the lovable being that he is,
will always take the blame in the end,
so that i will shut up/stop crying and end the argument.

after everything's fine,
and when i think back.
it's all baseless arguments which can be avoided
but noooo, i insisted it to go on.

i can never get it in my thick skull,
that he's trying his hardest to change, for my sake, for my happiness.
but all i'm giving him is shit after shit.
and not making it any easier for him.

what the bloody fuck do i want more??!!!

haiz.
it hurts me a lot to see him trying to change,
trying his very hardest to give in.
or just be as sweet as he can.

and it hurts me more,
when i'm hurting him.
like when i scratched his arm till it bled.
or when, i don't trust him enough.
or the things which i'm doing to him now.

and he's right to think.
how am i going to survive if he's not around?
and the answer is never.
i cannot survive without him being around.

if he's not going to be around,
let it be that death do us part in a very old ripe age.
i don't know how i'll face every single day,
without him in my life.

i can barely smile or hold my tears when a night goes by
without his voice being the last that i hear before i go to sleep.
like as if a part of me is missing and being ripped off.
it's a horrible and miserable feeling.

i still don't know what i want from him.

my colleague farinah said,

love someone who loves you to death.

he loves me to death,
i'm the one who is doubting him.
but deep inside, i know there is no one who can love me like he does.
and i love him beyond any words can explain.

i know, he thinks i don't trust him.
but as a matter of fact, i do.
i trust, that he wont do things which will ever hurt me.
i trust, that he will love me unconditionally.
i trust, that i am the only that he loves.
and,
i trust him, with my life.

haiz, maybe i'm just being too hard on him.
what can i do to just, be a better me?
and a better girlfriend to him?

:(

i love him so much.
it's, unexplainable.

it's just so tiring.

I swear, my feelings are numb right now.
I dont feel sad, angry or whatever.

i'm just tired of the feelings.

i've given up in hoping for a change.
I've given up, hoping to be surprised.

i just want to be far far away.
Just wanna be alone.
without anyone in it.
at least for a while.

I'm doing everyone a favour.
Especially you.
So that i wont be a nuisance to everyone.

i'm just so tired to think, to even say anything.
i'm even more tired to cry.
i don't have that much strength in me to keep on fighting.
fighting, for the things that i want.

i just cannot do anything right anymore, can i?

Friggin Long Post. My January.

i'm in serious need of blogging. it's been sucha long time.

first up, 17th January 2010.
went out with babylove, Yaty and Akie and had lunch at Miramar.
Superb i tell you!







and the people, were great companies of course.




so first, we were having lunch at Miramar.
then, we walked up to Clarke Quay.




then towards City Hall, we stopped by Central Fire Station for the Heritage Gallery.





then went towards suntec city.








then yaty and akie had to go coz yaty had her part time work.
so me and babylove went to watch THE SPY NEXT DOOR. :)



oh i just find that this pic is so adorable finally.



and the day ended by him sending me back home, and my parents sending him back home.
HAHA.




okay next, GIRLFRIENDS MEET UP on the 20th January!!!




and the next day, ibu's birthday!
had dinner at the Hawa Restaurant somewhere Mackenzie Road.







the next day, met up with Yaty and her friend Ain!









last monday, on the 25th January, met up with babylove after school.
had late lunch at QIJI at Funan. :)






den went out to watch Tooth Fairy at Marina Square. :)



and then babylove sent me home. so sweeeeet of him. :)

LASTLY: 27th January.
Went out shooting with the class at Fort Canning.
gazillion pics but i'll publish a few only. haha..






and then chilled at Starbucks Plaza Singapura.
then, BABYLove came!
with his friend Alvin.

and we went to watch DAYBREAKER!



so after that, Alvin left.

and i was still hyperactive and wanted to walk.
So, we walked to Fort Canning again.




and walked to Esplanade, and we took 97 back to Jurong East.
he took 51, i took 334. :)

and that was that. =)