gone case.

i'm not ready to grow up yet.
i'm not ready to be a year 3.
i'm not ready to be an adult.

i just feel like breaking down. life has taken its toll on me. it's really stressing me up. with school, with fyp, with my love life, and now with work.

i've never thought of work as stress until yesterday. Cik Jamilah wasnt around and we were dead short of manpower. and we cant rely on that stupid supervisor of ours. ass. and i had to do the job. and yeah, luckily faiz and aizad helped me out a bit, if not, i'd gone bonkers.

it's not fair. i'm only 18. cut me some slacccckkk!

i'm so tired of trying to please everyone but myself~! i need to be alone. i need to sort out my thinking.

it's weird that i'm feeling what i'm feeling.

the last time i felt this way towards somebody was with Amy. The fact that it took me months to forget about him. and now, i'm feeling it again. it's been a month. i can't seem to forget. and i don't feel like forgetting too.

every single day, i wish that he'd msg me. i wish that he'll call me or ask me what am i doing.. it just suck that he isnt and doesnt. i don't need anybody else for now. and i don't need any advices. just listen to me. i don't need advices. i just need someone to listen.

like farah once said, "don't fix me. just listen"

i watched "gurindam jiwa" ytd. and the character said, "luka di dahi boleh dinampak, luka di hati tiada siapa yang tahu"

which translate, "the pain on the forehead can be seen, but the pain in the heart, no one knows."

ok. i'm in a state of depression.

i'm going bonkers.

sloooowww dowwnnn.

i skipped Banking and Finance last week coz i was sick and down a fever of 38.8 degrees. and today i came to class and like, OMG. it's like, zaaaaaap. Fast forward. fed up sia. i'm like struggling in today's lesson.

i lost my wallet. i have no idea where i've lost it. okay. i do not want to remember things which stresses me up.

ohh whatever.

so anyway, i've checked out how many girls signed up for dikir. anddd.. i've got 12 girls. hehhehh. and that's for year 1s only.. i haven't tally the yr 2s and 3s in. all in all, i think i'm supposed to have a total of 25 manpower. i mean, womenpower. ahaha. okay cool.

this is like, sort of confirmed.

Rebanist: DEE.
Anak: LIYANA.

yay. haha.. and we make quite a good combination. ahha.


i've read the CV of the guy tat the guys are gonna use. Not that i don't know who they're using. i know him well. and i think, he's a good choice. a very good choice.

and his name?

Hairil Annuar.

bleaggh

okay blog, my leg is hurting. syiok sangat laaa main rebana. LOL.

went to meet Hairil last night at Bedok. I was so nervous i could puke. i have no idea why i was nervous actually. i was like, too excited to get the rebana. haha. So yeah, met him, got the rebana and the video for CDM'S performance. And we just sat down at Mac and talked la...

and the BURGAZI! he burped so loud larr can. malu sakkk. hahaha.

ya that's the burgazi i'm talking about. ahaha.

last night, he taught me how to play the rebana on the phone. hahaha.. cool arr. and during the SLA Fair just now, i practiced beat bodoh.. and i can roughly get it lar. =)

ok fyp.

random.

i actually realise that the video takes freaking long to load. geez. but oh wells, i have the whole day with me.

microeconomics.

daaaaaaang. thought it would be easy but it isnt. you need to do a lot of reading and a lot of understanding and reasoning. oh geez. but, luckily, i have Dee (Diyana) in my team coz she's like this person who's on the ball and get's u working and so yeah, haha.. i actually do understand quite a bit of the lesson but... i just need to do some reading up on some principles.

i need a change of blogskin.

anybody nice enuff to design for me? i'm just too lazy to design myself. lolz. i've no idea too. ohh whadddeerrhell.

the guys are having dikir training today. and so, i have to be there. and dan was asking me whether i have rotan. i don't. he told me to ask Hairil. So, yeah, i had to call him ytd. He doesn't have one too. and i told him lah, if he's free, he can come down to training today coz, i know we don't have any instructors yet and no one is so much experienced in dikir.

but yeah, well.. he's going to MOS today. tingling feeling of jealousy there.

and at night, we were msging about the whole dikir thingy and he was telling to play the rebana. and i was like, i'm not confident. and he gave me advises and stuff. and he said, "anything just msg me.. i'll guide from the back k dear.."

and i was like, a bit saddened by that lar.

siggghh.

end of the week. friday. end of week 1 of sch.

schedule check:
busy.

dates?
sorry. no time.

heart check:
hurting.

tummy check:
aching.

LOLLLL.

ok fineee.

his voice melts me still.

i was watching a video online.




his voice still melts me. his singing touched me.

yes, he knows i still love him. he still calls me his dear. but it's just that the situation doesnt permit us to be together. it's not that he was a bastard. he's the one which i felt most comfortable with. the only one which i actually dared to call sayang and dear. i am waiting for the time that we can be together again.

the word is wait.
like how he's waited for me since 2005.

and please, i do not want to be fixed. let me be myself. i don't like to be forced, to be nagged at, or anybody to change me. i hate mushy and romantic stuff. i am unpredictable. and no horny guys please. i am straightforward so accept that~

bingit lah when this kind of things happen.

i know you'll be reading this. don't force me. i don't like it. i'll delete your number. you don't have to call me anymore. we're miles different. we barely know each other. so, it's a goodbye.

geez, i found out that abang shahid is married (yeah that i know), has 1 kid, stays in jrg west and, he's the youngest son of the stall owner which my mum's family frequents. haji sharikin at jrg east. haha. what sheer co-incidence. haha.. and my mum actually got an invitation letter to his wedding last time. wahahaha. ok fineee. coincidence giler.

and pls, i do not have any feelings twds abang shahid ok. it's the same as how i anggap him, abang rafi and the abang2 at my workplace.

sometimes, i feel, i need not explain my stand. i have reasons. everything that happend has a reason to it.

hati direbut oleh seorang insan
yang pada dasarnya tidak ku kenal
pelbagai paksaan dan omelan
tidak senang pabila didengar

kucuba untuk memberi diri
kucuba untuk membuka hati
namun, tidak boleh aku beri
sesuatu yang tidak aku rasai

hati masih padanya
walau ku tau tidak akan bersama
tapi ku tidak tau mengapa
diri asyik teringat tentang dia

aku bukan merayu
cuma ingin luahkan isi hatiku
walau tersepit dlm kekalutan haru
aku masih mengingati mu

deeChiCka
hairilDiabz

backk.

I AM BACCKKK.

after being impatient for the past few hours with the network, i finally got a stable connection. geez. first days of school are always like that. hang, freeze, network connection. ouhh whateverr.

i actually have like, 5 classes. 1 for each day. and each day, it's a different class and all of them, are unfortunately at the same block, which is W5!!! wth. freaking far lahhh. i think it takes me at least 10 minutes to reach to class each day. goshhness. sucks aye.

okay so let's not talk about school anymore.

2 months of holiday. holiday? was it even a holiday for me? i managed to escape for 1 week from work and dikir trainings. now, that's holiday for me.

i worked like a dog.
no, i'm a female dog.
so yeah,
i worked like a bitch.

ahhaha. yeah i know. lame..

i think this holiday means a lot to me. learnt a lot, emotionally. i learnt that people can be two-faced and hypocrites and that office politics just sucks. some people may be all holy and religious but sometimes, they're just the most evil person around. it's just fucking stupid. stop the act siaa.

secondly, about the Piala Bintang Seni. or Seni Bintang. well, i just wanna thank these few who were there with me that day. Nadia, Fazliana and Shidah. Thanks for being with me when i was really down and got my dignity scarred. i love you girls.






yeah so, the girls.

when i was out from the grp, i sat amongst the crowd, watching the comp. and when it was CDM's turn, i looked for a friend. i asked him whether he was playing on this comp and he said no. i was like, okay.

and, well, he lied. he was the juara lahhh okaaay.

i was kinda happy for him coz he did good and i thought CDM should at least get top 3 sia. but well, they got 4th ah dengar2. and so then, i got back in the grp and then, after the performance, which i so totally do not want to think about anymore, i just changed and went out to meet my parents.

and i saw my friend. so, yeah, sindir lah kan.. "dgr2 org tu cakap tak main pe ni comp". haha.. stoned sia..

and yeah, 2 days later, he called me. and we talked. i haven't had a good conversation for a long time.

and, the most hurtful thing happend. yeah, well.. let that just be between me and him.

think about this phrase.

"When complications rise above love.."

yeah.

and i still love him.