haha.. u noe i noe lah eh.
fate was pulling our leg. just in front of me and i didnt even see you! aiyo.. wad's worse was that i was looking out seh.. see lah.. how shiteyed i am. nyehh2... my eyes are getting potek arrh. haha..
today, didnt go school again. woke up at 10 plus. then msn wif Boi... And went to meet him at 2 plus and we watched Nacho Libre @ Cineleisure. And then, went to sch for a while den went home. yea.. tts all lah.
haiz..
dear God,
i have been a very bad bad girl. i am so confused right now. i chatted wif an old contact who has been on my msn for a long time but never chat wif him. well, he's my adek angkat Fadli Lili. And he asked me how i was. And i said i was okay.
And than, the next thing i knew, i was telling him every single shit that has been happening in my life. and i nearly cried but i didnt. it makes my life seem sooo pathetic when i told him.
haiz.. it's not as if i have anyone to listen to my problems right? i mean, i listen to ppl's problems and i make ppl feel happy. but deep inside, i'm crying each and everytime coz my life is in a mess right now. i'm not as strong as they think i am.
and then, Lili sort of lectured me. Imagine arr adek lecture kakak. Haiz. it's really that bad.
haiz..
someone pls save me from me.
sorry i had to be jiwang tonite.
Meraung - New Boys
Menggigil tubuh ini
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Meraung di jiwa
Puas ku pertahankan
Cinta kita sejak dulu
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Menghargai cintaku
Sia-sia saja
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Tidak ku sangka kau
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Ah...ah...ah...
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Meraung di jiwa
Apalah daya kiranya
Orang dah benci
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Meraung di jiwa
Tapi tak pernah ku benci
Dirimu sayang
i miss u so. i hope u're happy now. sometimes my heart cries thinking abt those times we spent together. haiz..
and as for you, i'll answer ur qn now.
"yes i had feelings for you. eversince the day we got close. if u've read wad i've written here, den u would already noe and i shldnt be explaining. u noe? haha."
uncertainty and insecurity
Monday, July 31, 2006
shithead.
it's either i feel like i wanna puke or get green wif envy when i read of ppl being in love wif their boyfriends or girlfriends.
and me? what do i get?
zilch.
feeling sucky early in the morning. kaoz. URGH.
ok fine.. wad did i do this weekend?
went work on Saturday, finished at 3, den went to the NDP preview. Boring. Shall not say anything abt it anymore. Then reached home at 10 plus, talked to Haekal on the phone, ended it at abt 120. Den talked to Thabri till 3 plus am.
Slept and overslept. Met Haekal to go to work. Coz he wanted to take the train together. He's working part time at the airport. Den at Outram, i thought okay lah he was gonna stay in the train. But Nooo. He sent me all the way to Harbourfront Interchange. I was like, surprised uh.
Then went to work, okay lah. My mood was kinda good. Den, Eijal msged me.. He asked if wanna meet after work. I was like, okay lah.
Then after work he came down to Sentosa den we went to smoke and went to the Southernmost Point. Heex.. It was fun uh. Sat down there, talk2.. Looked at the moon and stars and listened to some ballads on his mp3. After that, "i noe wad u did last summer". HAHA.
so aniways, wad happend was.. He sang to me. =) i was like so.. cair.. Ahakz.. He's got a nice voice and the setting was just sooo romantic.
Not till these few china ppl decided to invade our place. and we left. And went back to VAC to get my bag and we left. And he sent me all the way back to Jrg East.
And then, i was walking back to my block. I saw from the corner of my eye, dis guy was following me at the side. i was like so scared. and i had to go to his way to go to my block. and then, i saw, it was Haekal. Sheesh. tot who sia. he was waiting for me under my block. haiyya.
so then went home, Astroboy called me. talk2.. went to sleep at 130.
ok dah.
i hate my life. period.
and me? what do i get?
zilch.
feeling sucky early in the morning. kaoz. URGH.
ok fine.. wad did i do this weekend?
went work on Saturday, finished at 3, den went to the NDP preview. Boring. Shall not say anything abt it anymore. Then reached home at 10 plus, talked to Haekal on the phone, ended it at abt 120. Den talked to Thabri till 3 plus am.
Slept and overslept. Met Haekal to go to work. Coz he wanted to take the train together. He's working part time at the airport. Den at Outram, i thought okay lah he was gonna stay in the train. But Nooo. He sent me all the way to Harbourfront Interchange. I was like, surprised uh.
Then went to work, okay lah. My mood was kinda good. Den, Eijal msged me.. He asked if wanna meet after work. I was like, okay lah.
Then after work he came down to Sentosa den we went to smoke and went to the Southernmost Point. Heex.. It was fun uh. Sat down there, talk2.. Looked at the moon and stars and listened to some ballads on his mp3. After that, "i noe wad u did last summer". HAHA.
so aniways, wad happend was.. He sang to me. =) i was like so.. cair.. Ahakz.. He's got a nice voice and the setting was just sooo romantic.
Not till these few china ppl decided to invade our place. and we left. And went back to VAC to get my bag and we left. And he sent me all the way back to Jrg East.
And then, i was walking back to my block. I saw from the corner of my eye, dis guy was following me at the side. i was like so scared. and i had to go to his way to go to my block. and then, i saw, it was Haekal. Sheesh. tot who sia. he was waiting for me under my block. haiyya.
so then went home, Astroboy called me. talk2.. went to sleep at 130.
ok dah.
i hate my life. period.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
friday.
fridays are always sucky. and.. it's always because of the same reason.
JAVA.
That four letter word is enuff to make me stress like heck. Urgh. Ke-fed up-an. Geez. I mean like, wadderr. Codes here and there. Today, how to convert text doc to PDF. GEE. Stress siak.. No codes lah today but the whole day, we have to learn the tool ourselves. GEE.
i saw that stussy capped guy today. he reminds me of Dopes. hmm..
Went to NYP after school today coz si Fairuz asked me if i wanted to watch a gig there. And i'm like, okay lah. But had to meet Eijal first right? But then Eijal.. Haiya.. He arr.. Went to sleep and woke up at the time we're supposed to meet. So i cancelled it lah and went straight to NYP to meet Fairuz. But he picked me up at Yio Chu Kang Mrt Stn. HAHA.
The gig was... OKKKAAY laa.. Haha.. Was mendak at first but it was great when the girl band played coz they played punk rock ar. the 1st 2 bands, dunno wad genre they played sia but it was boring uh. i nearly fell asleep.
Ah aniways, i'm at Changi Beach wif my family now. Beachsides always calms me down. And plus it's windy now. AHHH. =)
And it's at Changi. It reminds me of Astroboy. HEH.
=)
JAVA.
That four letter word is enuff to make me stress like heck. Urgh. Ke-fed up-an. Geez. I mean like, wadderr. Codes here and there. Today, how to convert text doc to PDF. GEE. Stress siak.. No codes lah today but the whole day, we have to learn the tool ourselves. GEE.
i saw that stussy capped guy today. he reminds me of Dopes. hmm..
Went to NYP after school today coz si Fairuz asked me if i wanted to watch a gig there. And i'm like, okay lah. But had to meet Eijal first right? But then Eijal.. Haiya.. He arr.. Went to sleep and woke up at the time we're supposed to meet. So i cancelled it lah and went straight to NYP to meet Fairuz. But he picked me up at Yio Chu Kang Mrt Stn. HAHA.
The gig was... OKKKAAY laa.. Haha.. Was mendak at first but it was great when the girl band played coz they played punk rock ar. the 1st 2 bands, dunno wad genre they played sia but it was boring uh. i nearly fell asleep.
Ah aniways, i'm at Changi Beach wif my family now. Beachsides always calms me down. And plus it's windy now. AHHH. =)
And it's at Changi. It reminds me of Astroboy. HEH.
=)
Thursday, July 27, 2006
black <3
okay so i'm like the assistant of the GOTHICKA klan. or should i say, the recruiting officer. ahakz.
it's cool uhh.. So anyone who's into goth or blackmetal or basically into BLACK stuff, pls contact me ok. MSN will be prefered, thank you.
today went school. BORING.
Was supposed to meet si Fairuz for lunch but he gotta cancel for some reasons. Aha.. But anyways went lunch wif my classmates at the new canteen. The food was nice, but not that filling. So i bought the Cheese and Chicken Burger at Cafe Galilee. It wasnt as nice as the Salmon Burger. Hurmmph!
So after school, my parents fectched me. Luckily.. Coz it was like raining so heavily and RP was flooded just now. BAHH.
Anw, i caught up wif 2 old friends today. 1 is HAIRI aka HARRY POTTER. Ok not. Haha.. He's my ex-colleague @ monorail. Missed him siaa. He's a really cool guy. Hot tempered though. Can say like, he's a big bro to me. He's wrking at AETOS. WHOAAA.
tts him.. taken March 2005. Gawdd i miss those days..
And then, i talked to another old friend. Eijal.. Got to noe him like, last October. But we kinda drift apart. But now we're contacting again.
He's like.. a wonderful singer. he can really sing and make me melt wif his singing. Especially when he sang my favourite song, Perangkap Cinta. *sigh* And we talked for like, 2 hrs gitu...
Meeting him tmr after school. He's gonna pick me up from Woodlands den we're gg to Queensway. Of all places, Queensway. Thanks eh boncet. Alexandra Fire Stn is just beside Queensway seh.
memories lah. haha.
i think i'm kinda getting used to all this. haha. *smiles*
naughty dee.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
gawdd
i wonder why the world is so small. eh no, SINGAPORE IS SMALL.
like, my friend's friend is my friend and my friend's friend's friend is her friend. ok. i'm getting confuse.
howells, singapore is small.
speaking of which, i had lunch wif my mum and her friends today. One of which, was Arwah Saiful Aidil's mum. She was still very distraught and i heard of how he died. It was so sad.
I can't imagine like, someone i love pass away. CHOII!! i mean, i was imagining me being in her shoes lah. she was very close to him and honestly, i'm neither close to her nor Him. but from wad i heard they're really close, and it just sucks to lose someone u love and u've been wif Him eversince he was young.
and to all the bikers out there, pls eh.. life is precious. so dun fucking speed ard and hold ur life (or others) in contempt.
well, today.. went JB. and i only realised that my Astroboy msged me at 9 am when it was 6pm! shit. he was telling me abt his promotion. alala kesian baby.. his promotion screwd up coz of the sudden change of criteria. poor baby.. he was upset abt it.. haiz..
hmm.. 3 wks plus being single. i'm coping.. yeh. been on dates and stuff. not liking it that much though. it's different when u're attached. at least u dun change guys. sheesh!
hmm.. but now, i'm really unsure of my feelings. i dun wanna be in love wif anybody but i'm missing them a lot. Like Thabri, Astroboy, Farhan etc.. I really need to figure out my feelings. I mean, who they are to me and stuff. ok.. better do it now..
Thabri: He has and will be my teman bergaduh. I realise that friendship lasts longer than relationhip and i'd rather have a friendship den a relationship wif him coz tts the way things are and will always be between us. =) i like it that way.
Astroboy: That cute face. That babyface. That manjaness. How can u blame me if i fall for him? IF. ahakz. Well, he's just someone i'm very manja wif. I still have not figured it out yet when it comes to him.
Farhan: That charming flairy guy. ahaha. he's like, my counsellor cum gd friend. i said tt he was stuck up at first. nyeh. he's not.. he's a really cool dude.
Fairuz: HAH. Si giant nie. He's my mat jiwang. Gonna have lunch wif him tmr. ahakz.
Well, see wad i mean.. I'm gg out wif like, on average 2 guys per wk. Blardy hell. But of coz, i just treat all of them as friends. I just dun wanna fall in love in the nearest time. Coz i wanna sort out my feelings first.
And after kena lecture my Farhan last nite, i really need to buck up on my self-esteem and self-confidence again. I wanna do it for me, my own happiness. Relationships are nonexistent right now. Unless i can find someone who's as good as JJ and Thabri, then maybe i would consider. But other than that, i guess, relationships are a nono.
haiz.. okay.. i'm gone for now.
like, my friend's friend is my friend and my friend's friend's friend is her friend. ok. i'm getting confuse.
howells, singapore is small.
speaking of which, i had lunch wif my mum and her friends today. One of which, was Arwah Saiful Aidil's mum. She was still very distraught and i heard of how he died. It was so sad.
I can't imagine like, someone i love pass away. CHOII!! i mean, i was imagining me being in her shoes lah. she was very close to him and honestly, i'm neither close to her nor Him. but from wad i heard they're really close, and it just sucks to lose someone u love and u've been wif Him eversince he was young.
and to all the bikers out there, pls eh.. life is precious. so dun fucking speed ard and hold ur life (or others) in contempt.
well, today.. went JB. and i only realised that my Astroboy msged me at 9 am when it was 6pm! shit. he was telling me abt his promotion. alala kesian baby.. his promotion screwd up coz of the sudden change of criteria. poor baby.. he was upset abt it.. haiz..
hmm.. 3 wks plus being single. i'm coping.. yeh. been on dates and stuff. not liking it that much though. it's different when u're attached. at least u dun change guys. sheesh!
hmm.. but now, i'm really unsure of my feelings. i dun wanna be in love wif anybody but i'm missing them a lot. Like Thabri, Astroboy, Farhan etc.. I really need to figure out my feelings. I mean, who they are to me and stuff. ok.. better do it now..
Thabri: He has and will be my teman bergaduh. I realise that friendship lasts longer than relationhip and i'd rather have a friendship den a relationship wif him coz tts the way things are and will always be between us. =) i like it that way.
Astroboy: That cute face. That babyface. That manjaness. How can u blame me if i fall for him? IF. ahakz. Well, he's just someone i'm very manja wif. I still have not figured it out yet when it comes to him.
Farhan: That charming flairy guy. ahaha. he's like, my counsellor cum gd friend. i said tt he was stuck up at first. nyeh. he's not.. he's a really cool dude.
Fairuz: HAH. Si giant nie. He's my mat jiwang. Gonna have lunch wif him tmr. ahakz.
Well, see wad i mean.. I'm gg out wif like, on average 2 guys per wk. Blardy hell. But of coz, i just treat all of them as friends. I just dun wanna fall in love in the nearest time. Coz i wanna sort out my feelings first.
And after kena lecture my Farhan last nite, i really need to buck up on my self-esteem and self-confidence again. I wanna do it for me, my own happiness. Relationships are nonexistent right now. Unless i can find someone who's as good as JJ and Thabri, then maybe i would consider. But other than that, i guess, relationships are a nono.
haiz.. okay.. i'm gone for now.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
depression again.
thank you oh great friendster, for telling me this.
yes, my life is going slow. damn the post-production blues. i'm so free right now that i'm getting bored. geez. been online since 1 pm. haiz.. no life arr.
seriously, i can tell you that i am living my past life, which is blardy saddening. To those who know my past life, somebody pls save me from the sins and torture. i despise my past life and the current life which i am living now.
being single makes me evil. it makes me despise life. makes my ego burst. geez.i noe i havent been complaining a lot abt my life. i dun intend to. but sometimes, shit just happens and u just feel like breaking down. and no, it's not about love, again. Farhan used to tell me,
it's true. so, i dun wanna expect anything much. and people, i'm fragile. pls dun think that i'm happy and strong to face the world all the time. i'm still human and pls treat me nicely. =/
i hate my life now. screw. i wish i could cry but i think that crying is a sign of weakness. where were you when i need you huh?! u used to always be there for me.. and now u're gone. thanks friend.
u noe, i never believed in best friends. den she changed my mind. eh no. they changed my mind. and they changed it back to square one. and not only that, 3 of whom, i only meet once a mth, 1 who doesnt bother, 1 who doesnt even show up anymore.
ouh whatever.
my bro's been caught for smoking. sigh. my mum noes i'm smoking. but she's just keeping mum about it. dunno when i'm gonna quit also. everyday smoke2 till sian. Like, really siaa. urgh.
gee. been online for like 12 hrs already. sheessh.
shoot me.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
tired. really.
so damn tired can??
But Friday night, the Art's Fest was whackkk! ahakz.. Drama.Republic were uberr cool. And then Diorama was even cooler. But they said the party at the Forum sucked. I dunno.. Wasn't there..
Saturday, started work at 12. The new guy was attached to me for the day at Imbiah Lookout. He's quite smart and he learnt fast so i didnt really haf to teach much uh. So the whole day stuck at Imbiah, and then went to Ferry Terminal. Viknas step i never do Ferry before seh and keep asking one of the i/c's if they're gg Ferry. Sheesh!
today lagi boring.. dun wanna say anything ah.
hrmm.. so, have a lot of things to say but my mind's been in a whirlwind.. tired like heck..
i'm like a changed person. been piercing my ears, now on each side, there're 3 studs. and my nails are painted black. not too mention my 24 red and black bands on my right hand. dunno why i suddenly feel like having a change. i want to cut my hair but like Leanna said, later cannot do emo hair. OUH Ya.
and, my temper has been really crazy these few days. i've been blowing up at ppl and screaming and shouting at work. damn fed up siaa. haizz.. sucks ah. i blame it on pms. totally. n not to mention some ppl have been pissing me off. urgh. thks eh u.. URGH.
anw, i dunno wad to type anymore. ahakz.
TAG REPLIES.
Nouru:Jaga kau.. ahha.. nanti aku msn, confirm kene dancing marshmellow.
Azri: hey dude, thanks for dropping by.. Ur blogskin's really nice too.. Take care!
Ika: Coffee Bean Palawan? Beach Station ah tu.. Sape seh.. Aku tgk muke maybe kenal ah.
bloghop: yes, i'm from sqps and 6J. and u are?
But Friday night, the Art's Fest was whackkk! ahakz.. Drama.Republic were uberr cool. And then Diorama was even cooler. But they said the party at the Forum sucked. I dunno.. Wasn't there..
Saturday, started work at 12. The new guy was attached to me for the day at Imbiah Lookout. He's quite smart and he learnt fast so i didnt really haf to teach much uh. So the whole day stuck at Imbiah, and then went to Ferry Terminal. Viknas step i never do Ferry before seh and keep asking one of the i/c's if they're gg Ferry. Sheesh!
today lagi boring.. dun wanna say anything ah.
hrmm.. so, have a lot of things to say but my mind's been in a whirlwind.. tired like heck..
i'm like a changed person. been piercing my ears, now on each side, there're 3 studs. and my nails are painted black. not too mention my 24 red and black bands on my right hand. dunno why i suddenly feel like having a change. i want to cut my hair but like Leanna said, later cannot do emo hair. OUH Ya.
and, my temper has been really crazy these few days. i've been blowing up at ppl and screaming and shouting at work. damn fed up siaa. haizz.. sucks ah. i blame it on pms. totally. n not to mention some ppl have been pissing me off. urgh. thks eh u.. URGH.
anw, i dunno wad to type anymore. ahakz.
TAG REPLIES.
Nouru:Jaga kau.. ahha.. nanti aku msn, confirm kene dancing marshmellow.
Azri: hey dude, thanks for dropping by.. Ur blogskin's really nice too.. Take care!
Ika: Coffee Bean Palawan? Beach Station ah tu.. Sape seh.. Aku tgk muke maybe kenal ah.
bloghop: yes, i'm from sqps and 6J. and u are?
Thursday, July 20, 2006
and i fell again.
well, not literally fell.. and not metaphorically falling as well.
i've been kinda depressed lately, which, i have no idea why. it just sucks to feel the way i'm feeling. the emptiness inside is really killing me. it's not about love, i guess. i'm not sure. pms maybe?
haa wells.. the emptiness.. i guess it's because me and someone had a misunderstanding and we're not contacting. which, just sucks lah since he's like, one of the closest person i haf in my life. it's crappy. i shldnt have done wad i did.
i'm sorry friend. my blog song goes out to you.
i was on the train the other day, and was checking my wallet out when i found these 2 pictures, still intact in it.
haiz.. okay, shld not talk abt him anymore.. he's hurt. i'm also hurt. but our hurt is about 2 different things.
howells...
so, yesterday, i went on a date! ahakz. it's wif Farhan, who used to work at Beach Stations' Coffee Bean. He's half Malay and half Eurasian. Haha.. We went to eat at LJS, den went smoke, den went to watch Pirates of the Carribean at Causeway Point. Hee. Had fun..
But, like wad i used to tell Ayien, u keep urself busy in the morning, and u haf fun so that u dun really think of ur problems. But at night, u'll suffer the worst part of your life wif your tormenting feelings and such.
sigh..
i really miss that person. loving someone you know u cant get is tough. but to love doesnt mean to possess. haiz..
haiz.. looks like my schedule is gonna be jammed pack again. argh. the Art's Fest is gonna be tmr, den weekends work, den after that gonna be busy training wif Adiratna for the dikir competition that's gonna be on 26th August. It's gonna be my first ever Dikir competition. It's gonna be good exposure uh.
but, then again, i'm overworking myself. why issit always this part of the year that i'm always overworking myself each year? haiz.. i'm tired. i need a break. but at the same time, i dun wanna let go of these opportunities. haiz..
haiz.. kinda down laa. shitstuff. ARGH!
i've been kinda depressed lately, which, i have no idea why. it just sucks to feel the way i'm feeling. the emptiness inside is really killing me. it's not about love, i guess. i'm not sure. pms maybe?
haa wells.. the emptiness.. i guess it's because me and someone had a misunderstanding and we're not contacting. which, just sucks lah since he's like, one of the closest person i haf in my life. it's crappy. i shldnt have done wad i did.
i'm sorry friend. my blog song goes out to you.
i was on the train the other day, and was checking my wallet out when i found these 2 pictures, still intact in it.
haiz.. okay, shld not talk abt him anymore.. he's hurt. i'm also hurt. but our hurt is about 2 different things.
howells...
so, yesterday, i went on a date! ahakz. it's wif Farhan, who used to work at Beach Stations' Coffee Bean. He's half Malay and half Eurasian. Haha.. We went to eat at LJS, den went smoke, den went to watch Pirates of the Carribean at Causeway Point. Hee. Had fun..
But, like wad i used to tell Ayien, u keep urself busy in the morning, and u haf fun so that u dun really think of ur problems. But at night, u'll suffer the worst part of your life wif your tormenting feelings and such.
sigh..
i really miss that person. loving someone you know u cant get is tough. but to love doesnt mean to possess. haiz..
haiz.. looks like my schedule is gonna be jammed pack again. argh. the Art's Fest is gonna be tmr, den weekends work, den after that gonna be busy training wif Adiratna for the dikir competition that's gonna be on 26th August. It's gonna be my first ever Dikir competition. It's gonna be good exposure uh.
but, then again, i'm overworking myself. why issit always this part of the year that i'm always overworking myself each year? haiz.. i'm tired. i need a break. but at the same time, i dun wanna let go of these opportunities. haiz..
haiz.. kinda down laa. shitstuff. ARGH!
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
being single.
JayJay, this goes out to u...
i thought of you tonite, something which i havent done in these 2 wks. abang azri, the harbourfront driver asked me how i'm coping being single. it's not easy, definitely not easy. especially when i get to noe new ppl who always try to take advantage of me. it's not like how i was when i was attached and at least i felt safer then.
being single is tuff. yes i had a crush, but howells, i think it was better that me and the crush remain as friends, and since, he wasnt ready for a relationship yet.
and again, i remembered abang azri asking me this. you must ask urself whether you are ready to commit to another person.
frankly speaking, i dunno the answer. I dun want history to repeat itself when i had no time and the relationship just went to waste. I dun want that. You see my schedule, that's enuff to drive guys away from me. hurhur. i dun even haf time for myself sometimes, let alone for others.
but in a way, i do want to be loved. and i want to love too. but i dun wanna rush things.
JayJay,
i missed you tonight. the memories kept playing back in my mind. i asked myself whether i still love you. well, i dun haf any answers but all i noe is that, there will always be a space in my heart for you. 5 months plus wif ya Jay, those memorable nights and watching sunset by the beaches still remain fresh in my mind.
i'm too ignorant abt things. my feelings are numb. all i want is for ur happiness. even if it means letting u go. which, i already did and i guess it was better that way.. tho, sometimes, it just kills me to think of it.
Jay,
thanks for the experience that i had wif ya these 5 months plus. i pray for ur happiness and i hope for the best for ya.
for the crush,
if u're reading this, i'm sorry for my nonsence. won't happen again.
life is a bitch, so screw her.
i thought of you tonite, something which i havent done in these 2 wks. abang azri, the harbourfront driver asked me how i'm coping being single. it's not easy, definitely not easy. especially when i get to noe new ppl who always try to take advantage of me. it's not like how i was when i was attached and at least i felt safer then.
being single is tuff. yes i had a crush, but howells, i think it was better that me and the crush remain as friends, and since, he wasnt ready for a relationship yet.
and again, i remembered abang azri asking me this. you must ask urself whether you are ready to commit to another person.
frankly speaking, i dunno the answer. I dun want history to repeat itself when i had no time and the relationship just went to waste. I dun want that. You see my schedule, that's enuff to drive guys away from me. hurhur. i dun even haf time for myself sometimes, let alone for others.
but in a way, i do want to be loved. and i want to love too. but i dun wanna rush things.
JayJay,
i missed you tonight. the memories kept playing back in my mind. i asked myself whether i still love you. well, i dun haf any answers but all i noe is that, there will always be a space in my heart for you. 5 months plus wif ya Jay, those memorable nights and watching sunset by the beaches still remain fresh in my mind.
i'm too ignorant abt things. my feelings are numb. all i want is for ur happiness. even if it means letting u go. which, i already did and i guess it was better that way.. tho, sometimes, it just kills me to think of it.
Jay,
thanks for the experience that i had wif ya these 5 months plus. i pray for ur happiness and i hope for the best for ya.
for the crush,
if u're reading this, i'm sorry for my nonsence. won't happen again.
life is a bitch, so screw her.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
damn.
u noe wad. i give up in this thing called love.
who cares anyway right? sometimes i feel so stupid for falling in love. it's just crazy. being ditched again and again. howells, from now onwards, i'm just gonna focus on my life. there's no more him, no more love, no more whatsoever.
it's me. me. me. now.
urgh. saw wad Jumali wrote on his couple blog. i dun blame him either. i was never a good girlfriend. can never be one. so wad's the point right? getting into a relationship den ended up getting hurt over and over again.
shit lah. really pissed off right now. a moment ago i was having fun, chatting wif a new friend and someone else had to spoil my mood. thanks ahh eh. didnt noe you were so sensitive. geez. u noe wad, i give up. if that's wad u want me to do. there.
errrgggh.
who cares anyway right? sometimes i feel so stupid for falling in love. it's just crazy. being ditched again and again. howells, from now onwards, i'm just gonna focus on my life. there's no more him, no more love, no more whatsoever.
it's me. me. me. now.
urgh. saw wad Jumali wrote on his couple blog. i dun blame him either. i was never a good girlfriend. can never be one. so wad's the point right? getting into a relationship den ended up getting hurt over and over again.
shit lah. really pissed off right now. a moment ago i was having fun, chatting wif a new friend and someone else had to spoil my mood. thanks ahh eh. didnt noe you were so sensitive. geez. u noe wad, i give up. if that's wad u want me to do. there.
errrgggh.
Monday, July 17, 2006
WE'VE GONE OVER THE WALL.
OUH YESSSAAHH!!
It's over. It was a really beautiful [yet rough] journey indeed like wad Helmi said. Months of rehearsals for that 1 show, it's just amazing. The crowd laffed at times we didnt expect to laff, and it nearly made me laff as well. The energy was so high that i felt that i could run laps. ouh no. i mean, just a lap. haha.
so, it started off that Saturday by me, waiting for Leanna but she was late. nyahaha. so Nita came first so we waited for Leanna. And at 3pm, all of us Drama.Republic watched the Triple Bill by SP, TJC and ACJC.
And, everyone was going like, "what the heck?" when it comes to the SP performance. i dun get it. and neither did everyone else. even Miss Serene didnt understand. There were no voice projection either. GEEE. But for TJC, they were rather good. At least we understood and the voice projection was good too. Good acting by The Voice. She was really good. Their story was about inter-racial complications. And for ACJC. I was like, WOW. Their set was great, their ensemble were POWER. They really froze. kudos to them.
So after that Triple Bill, we had time for ourselves to stretch, warm up and do whatever till 545. And we took group pics.
So, me, Isabella, Gurmit and Natasha went down to buy some stuff.. And we bumped into Miss Serene and Miss Vicky. And we went back up wif them and they took pics of us.
And i was sooo pissed coz i couldnt watch A VACANT AFFAIR perform at Baybeats. Coz the show was at 630pm and we had to do warm ups by then. Shit lah. I Love them siaaa.
So at that time, my mum was at the rooftop already. Talked to her and then went to change and did makeup. Howells, this time, i didnt really go ard and do make up for them. Just helped one or two lah.
And before our show was NUS. They did Serve by Ng Yi Sheng, who, also wrote Redhill Blues. We didnt really watch Serve coz we were all hyped up and jumped ard here and there for warm ups. Scary shit. NUS took like, 50 mins. Heez...
So when it was our time, GAWD. It was really the best experience i had as a performer. =) We really bonded as a team and WE made it possible. Kudos to the cast, crew, advisors, producers, and directors. Thanks to Helmi, the director, for making the show a great one.
After the show, there was a dialogue session.
on the flipside, yesterday at work, Iskandar got sacked. Serve him right that bugger. Rude as always. His arrogance another point. Wtf. Viknas sides him. Hurhur. Blardy arse.
So yesterday, finished at 7 coz i really couldnt take it anymore, i didnt sleep the night before. After that went VAC office and waited for Amy to finish work at 9 coz we're gg back together frm Sentosa to Harbourfront. So, he came den we took the bus.. He looked chubbier den usual. haha.. and when he sat beside me, i felt superbly short. geez. hate that.
And when we reached Harbourfront, we walked ard the parking lot looking for Abang Man's bike. but couldnt find it. Den he waited wif me for my parents. Then he went off. Kesian dier kene naik bus. he wanted to send me home again actually, but then he still havent renew road tax.. and coz it's Sunday, i think there will be road blocks and stuff.
u noe wad, sometimes, i feel like i wanna forget abt the crush coz it's really affecting the friendship. But it's like, at times, i dun want to either. crapcrapcrap.
ouh gee. i dunno uhh. i'm having my realistic side again.
wad's the point of having a relationship now if u noe that the relationship wont last?
It's over. It was a really beautiful [yet rough] journey indeed like wad Helmi said. Months of rehearsals for that 1 show, it's just amazing. The crowd laffed at times we didnt expect to laff, and it nearly made me laff as well. The energy was so high that i felt that i could run laps. ouh no. i mean, just a lap. haha.
so, it started off that Saturday by me, waiting for Leanna but she was late. nyahaha. so Nita came first so we waited for Leanna. And at 3pm, all of us Drama.Republic watched the Triple Bill by SP, TJC and ACJC.
And, everyone was going like, "what the heck?" when it comes to the SP performance. i dun get it. and neither did everyone else. even Miss Serene didnt understand. There were no voice projection either. GEEE. But for TJC, they were rather good. At least we understood and the voice projection was good too. Good acting by The Voice. She was really good. Their story was about inter-racial complications. And for ACJC. I was like, WOW. Their set was great, their ensemble were POWER. They really froze. kudos to them.
So after that Triple Bill, we had time for ourselves to stretch, warm up and do whatever till 545. And we took group pics.
So, me, Isabella, Gurmit and Natasha went down to buy some stuff.. And we bumped into Miss Serene and Miss Vicky. And we went back up wif them and they took pics of us.
And i was sooo pissed coz i couldnt watch A VACANT AFFAIR perform at Baybeats. Coz the show was at 630pm and we had to do warm ups by then. Shit lah. I Love them siaaa.
So at that time, my mum was at the rooftop already. Talked to her and then went to change and did makeup. Howells, this time, i didnt really go ard and do make up for them. Just helped one or two lah.
And before our show was NUS. They did Serve by Ng Yi Sheng, who, also wrote Redhill Blues. We didnt really watch Serve coz we were all hyped up and jumped ard here and there for warm ups. Scary shit. NUS took like, 50 mins. Heez...
So when it was our time, GAWD. It was really the best experience i had as a performer. =) We really bonded as a team and WE made it possible. Kudos to the cast, crew, advisors, producers, and directors. Thanks to Helmi, the director, for making the show a great one.
After the show, there was a dialogue session.
on the flipside, yesterday at work, Iskandar got sacked. Serve him right that bugger. Rude as always. His arrogance another point. Wtf. Viknas sides him. Hurhur. Blardy arse.
So yesterday, finished at 7 coz i really couldnt take it anymore, i didnt sleep the night before. After that went VAC office and waited for Amy to finish work at 9 coz we're gg back together frm Sentosa to Harbourfront. So, he came den we took the bus.. He looked chubbier den usual. haha.. and when he sat beside me, i felt superbly short. geez. hate that.
And when we reached Harbourfront, we walked ard the parking lot looking for Abang Man's bike. but couldnt find it. Den he waited wif me for my parents. Then he went off. Kesian dier kene naik bus. he wanted to send me home again actually, but then he still havent renew road tax.. and coz it's Sunday, i think there will be road blocks and stuff.
u noe wad, sometimes, i feel like i wanna forget abt the crush coz it's really affecting the friendship. But it's like, at times, i dun want to either. crapcrapcrap.
ouh gee. i dunno uhh. i'm having my realistic side again.
wad's the point of having a relationship now if u noe that the relationship wont last?
Saturday, July 15, 2006
tiredness~
crap lah.. it's 3.20 am and i still havent sleep yet.. urgh, aniway, some updates..
on Thursday, i skipped school halfway wif Ayien and we went to Sentosa to ease our mind. We thought of breaking down coz of all the problems we had but in the end, we ended up being crazy instead. Well, crazy looking at cute guys, that is. Heh.. And one of the cute guys was Khairul, this bird encounter guy. Haha.. And i took a pic wif the bird! ahakz..
And I got 2 shots of Abang Man. But i'll show one only lar..
So then, i went to meet Irfan at J.E. He's cute and everything lah but just.. Not my kinda person uh.. Coz i kept thinking abt my crush. Haiz..
SO ANIWAYS,
Today, we had a tech run at Esplanade. Can't believe that our show is gonna be on in less than 20 hrs. GOSH!! All those times and effort... and ending of a relationship.. The show better be good man! I sacrificed a lot already, dun put the effort to waste!
And when we reached Esplanade, i received my BACKSTAGE PASS!!
So then, most of us proceeded to eat at BK. Me, Leanna, Apiz, Natasha, Ismail and Athena and Athena's gf went to BK. The rest to LJS. And we smoked and talked crap for hrs and till 7, we were getting ready for BAYBEATS!!
at BK, we took pics too!
That's me and Leanna.
AND I SO LOVE THIS PIC!!
SO EMO KAN MY HAIR!! =)
When suddenly, Abang Man msged me and told me to wait at Tampines cause he wanted to bring me to the doctor, which iniatially he cancelled. BAHH! So went to meet him den went back to Esplanade at 9plus.
IT WAS EFFING GREAT LARRRHH!
Especially that Tiramisu band. That lead singer crossed dress and he had so much energy and vibe. It was POWERRRR! And that last song, Testicle Nation, Besttt ahh!! And Apiz, Amir, Ismail, Natasha, Leanna and Me, we were right in front of the stage and we were screaming and shouting like mad...
Hehz.. Saw a lot of ppl, some of which i noe but i didnt really call them out coz i was scared i got the wrong person. My vision was a bit blurry uh..M
And my parents bought a new car.. a sleek Honda Edix. It's cute.
So yeahh, tts the end. gotta sleep already man.. but aniways, here are the Tag Replies.
MIZZ RAI: hahaha.. i *hearts* you too raiiii!! YESYES! Classes are getting boriiinggg!
D-MIDIOSA: touchingg? ehhh mane ade.. feeling jerr.. ahakz.. dier nye lagi touching tuu tknk ckp.. ahaha.. u take care too sweets..
YANN: Yes darlingg~ i broke up like, 2 weeks ago.. u arr.. forever slow.. haha..
SANDY: shut up bitch. tt song is meaningful okay. so just listen to it when u're on my blog. no choice. haha..
aight.. Tts all.
so long and good night!
i may just be a friend to you. but you are more than a friend to me.
on Thursday, i skipped school halfway wif Ayien and we went to Sentosa to ease our mind. We thought of breaking down coz of all the problems we had but in the end, we ended up being crazy instead. Well, crazy looking at cute guys, that is. Heh.. And one of the cute guys was Khairul, this bird encounter guy. Haha.. And i took a pic wif the bird! ahakz..
And I got 2 shots of Abang Man. But i'll show one only lar..
So then, i went to meet Irfan at J.E. He's cute and everything lah but just.. Not my kinda person uh.. Coz i kept thinking abt my crush. Haiz..
SO ANIWAYS,
Today, we had a tech run at Esplanade. Can't believe that our show is gonna be on in less than 20 hrs. GOSH!! All those times and effort... and ending of a relationship.. The show better be good man! I sacrificed a lot already, dun put the effort to waste!
And when we reached Esplanade, i received my BACKSTAGE PASS!!
Heez.. So the tech run was okay.. Helmi changed my blocking and all. It was okay lar.. Pixies!
So then, most of us proceeded to eat at BK. Me, Leanna, Apiz, Natasha, Ismail and Athena and Athena's gf went to BK. The rest to LJS. And we smoked and talked crap for hrs and till 7, we were getting ready for BAYBEATS!!
at BK, we took pics too!
That's me and Leanna.
AND I SO LOVE THIS PIC!!
SO EMO KAN MY HAIR!! =)
When suddenly, Abang Man msged me and told me to wait at Tampines cause he wanted to bring me to the doctor, which iniatially he cancelled. BAHH! So went to meet him den went back to Esplanade at 9plus.
IT WAS EFFING GREAT LARRRHH!
Especially that Tiramisu band. That lead singer crossed dress and he had so much energy and vibe. It was POWERRRR! And that last song, Testicle Nation, Besttt ahh!! And Apiz, Amir, Ismail, Natasha, Leanna and Me, we were right in front of the stage and we were screaming and shouting like mad...
Hehz.. Saw a lot of ppl, some of which i noe but i didnt really call them out coz i was scared i got the wrong person. My vision was a bit blurry uh..M
And my parents bought a new car.. a sleek Honda Edix. It's cute.
So yeahh, tts the end. gotta sleep already man.. but aniways, here are the Tag Replies.
MIZZ RAI: hahaha.. i *hearts* you too raiiii!! YESYES! Classes are getting boriiinggg!
D-MIDIOSA: touchingg? ehhh mane ade.. feeling jerr.. ahakz.. dier nye lagi touching tuu tknk ckp.. ahaha.. u take care too sweets..
YANN: Yes darlingg~ i broke up like, 2 weeks ago.. u arr.. forever slow.. haha..
SANDY: shut up bitch. tt song is meaningful okay. so just listen to it when u're on my blog. no choice. haha..
aight.. Tts all.
so long and good night!
i may just be a friend to you. but you are more than a friend to me.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
secrets unfold.
dear you,
i miss you a lot can? ahakz.. i mean, we dun really meet that often then, but i didnt miss you this much. but now, i miss you a lot. too bad u cant come over to meet me when i wanna pass the thing to ya.
well, yes.. the crush found out that i have a crush on him. GEE. All thanks to my belo-ness at night uh.. I was saying all those nice things den i said, "chill lah baby. Lup sama u arr. Nitey."
Thanks ah eh.
sigh.. today, went to accompany Ayien to send her ex's stuff at Amk. Freaking far sia. Aniways, after that we went to Sentosa cause i wanted to pass the manual that i printed for Baby. But when we were waiting for the train at Amk, we saw this cute baby..
cute seyy..
so aniways, we went to Sentosa, and i passed the manual over at the Ranger Station coz si Baby tu had to do gantry duty so he couldnt personally take it frm me.. After that, me and Ayien went to Beach Station, den to UWW and to Dolphin Lagoon coz i wanted to meet Abg Man.
And while waiting for Abang Man, we took this..
our first proper shot. nyahaha..
den when we were at Dhoby Ghout, we took this shot..
ahakz.. nice uh..
so den, went for Drama. And took this shot wif Isabella.
Drama was okay. Quite nervous though about this Sat show. Sigh.. So aniways, went home straight after rehearsals and saw the full moon tonight. it was lovely..
siggghh...
and tonight.. i was so damn bored.. so i edited this pic of us.
Sigh.. I was just wondering. I mean, what's next for us? You noe now that i love you. And you asked me why i loved you.
"i loved you..
i have loved you all along"
that sums it up. i love you for as long as i could remember. and believe me when i say i love you, coz i'm not some girl who'd wanna hurt you. i dun wanna see you hurt anymore, baby. believe me. and for one, i dont wanna lose you.
i noe you're having a hard time, getting your feelings back on track after you were hurt. But Baby, i dun ask a lot. i dun ask for your love too. it's totally up to you. i'd rather love you in silence. And i could wait forever just for you.
Gee, i really love you.
i loved you.. i loved you all along...
i miss you a lot can? ahakz.. i mean, we dun really meet that often then, but i didnt miss you this much. but now, i miss you a lot. too bad u cant come over to meet me when i wanna pass the thing to ya.
well, yes.. the crush found out that i have a crush on him. GEE. All thanks to my belo-ness at night uh.. I was saying all those nice things den i said, "chill lah baby. Lup sama u arr. Nitey."
Thanks ah eh.
sigh.. today, went to accompany Ayien to send her ex's stuff at Amk. Freaking far sia. Aniways, after that we went to Sentosa cause i wanted to pass the manual that i printed for Baby. But when we were waiting for the train at Amk, we saw this cute baby..
cute seyy..
so aniways, we went to Sentosa, and i passed the manual over at the Ranger Station coz si Baby tu had to do gantry duty so he couldnt personally take it frm me.. After that, me and Ayien went to Beach Station, den to UWW and to Dolphin Lagoon coz i wanted to meet Abg Man.
And while waiting for Abang Man, we took this..
our first proper shot. nyahaha..
den when we were at Dhoby Ghout, we took this shot..
ahakz.. nice uh..
so den, went for Drama. And took this shot wif Isabella.
Drama was okay. Quite nervous though about this Sat show. Sigh.. So aniways, went home straight after rehearsals and saw the full moon tonight. it was lovely..
siggghh...
and tonight.. i was so damn bored.. so i edited this pic of us.
Sigh.. I was just wondering. I mean, what's next for us? You noe now that i love you. And you asked me why i loved you.
"i loved you..
i have loved you all along"
that sums it up. i love you for as long as i could remember. and believe me when i say i love you, coz i'm not some girl who'd wanna hurt you. i dun wanna see you hurt anymore, baby. believe me. and for one, i dont wanna lose you.
i noe you're having a hard time, getting your feelings back on track after you were hurt. But Baby, i dun ask a lot. i dun ask for your love too. it's totally up to you. i'd rather love you in silence. And i could wait forever just for you.
Gee, i really love you.
i loved you.. i loved you all along...
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
hidden feelings
sometimes i dunno why i torture myself and see stuff which i shldnt be seeing, which hurts me. shucks...
but aniways, kak diana has been pestering me to tell my crush that i like him. But i dun want to. I mean, it's just me lah. I'd rather love in silence than face rejection OR lose a very very good friend. sigh.. i dunno arrr. It's like, everytime my hp rings the msg tone, i'll be hoping that it's him. Haiz~
sometimes, i feel like such a hypocrite. like, i want that person to be happy but deep inside, i'm just screaming out that i want him for myself. tts wad happend wif Jumali. And shit, i'm letting it happen to my crush as well.
well, it just so happens that this crush is a good friend of mine. very good friend in fact. and i read his blog the other day and he was like, kinda emo lar. So just now i asked him wad's wrong and he told me uh.
Whoa piang. Sucks ehk. He said he likes this girl who just got single but then that girl still very close to her ex. Diaoz.
So, being a good friend, i tried to console him ar and it sounded as if i'm trying to ask him to go and ask the girl if she likes him or wad.. Blah3..
wtf. Dee! YOU LIKE HIM. den u're talking all this shit. sigghh~
I once told my colleague Chandran, who happens to be my crush's neighbour even b4 i broke up wif Jumali.
Me: Chandran, i feel like, i like *him* more than i like my bf. and i feel that i'm so much closer to *him* than my own bf. it's like, i can talk to him about every single thing.
Chandran: Then break wif your bf lah and tell *him* that you like him.
Me: Cannot lah. Wad if i break wif my bf skali *him* dun like me in that manner. i also like my bf seh.
Chandran: Siao lah you.
and gee.. i usta like him last time when i was wif Jumali, sorry i never mention it b4 coz i was wif Jumali then and it was only ethical that i didnt develop the feelings. But now, Jumali's gone and i'm free to like anyone.
and in the end, somehow or rather, i still end up liking him.
And when i talked to Chandran the other day, and he said
Chandran: Must be *him* right?? You wont be like this if it's another guy
Me: aha.. yeah la..
Chandran: You arr. From last time noe.
Me: haha.. wad to do.. today i'm meeting him.
Chandran: He's sending you back right? See lah2.. He always tell me he has to send you back after work. *laffs*
Me: Haha.. ASS. You busy wif work, he's busy wif work, how can u all meet and talk about me. Bluff lah. He only sent me home once.
Chandran: okay2..
i was like, ergh! He always noes. Damn.
And not to mention that my MOM prefers *HIM* over Jumali. And even told my neighbour that *HE* is my BF when my neighbour asked her about *HIM* sending me home that night. Can you believe my mom said that?! She said to cover me up. Cover?? By saying he's my bf?? Gee. Thanks ah eh.
And ouh yea. Not to mention that my UNCLE is *HIS* colleague. And thanks ah eh. Everytime there's a family gathering, my uncle would ask where he is and how come he didnt come along. GEE.
Haiz.. Loving someone who loves someone else. Gee. That sounds nice. Urgh. Let's just see how it goes.
i edited one pic of me and him.
There you go.
Emo *HIM*. Emo Me.
hint ya once.
somewhere out there, someone might love you more than her.
u never noe.
but aniways, kak diana has been pestering me to tell my crush that i like him. But i dun want to. I mean, it's just me lah. I'd rather love in silence than face rejection OR lose a very very good friend. sigh.. i dunno arrr. It's like, everytime my hp rings the msg tone, i'll be hoping that it's him. Haiz~
sometimes, i feel like such a hypocrite. like, i want that person to be happy but deep inside, i'm just screaming out that i want him for myself. tts wad happend wif Jumali. And shit, i'm letting it happen to my crush as well.
well, it just so happens that this crush is a good friend of mine. very good friend in fact. and i read his blog the other day and he was like, kinda emo lar. So just now i asked him wad's wrong and he told me uh.
Whoa piang. Sucks ehk. He said he likes this girl who just got single but then that girl still very close to her ex. Diaoz.
So, being a good friend, i tried to console him ar and it sounded as if i'm trying to ask him to go and ask the girl if she likes him or wad.. Blah3..
wtf. Dee! YOU LIKE HIM. den u're talking all this shit. sigghh~
I once told my colleague Chandran, who happens to be my crush's neighbour even b4 i broke up wif Jumali.
Me: Chandran, i feel like, i like *him* more than i like my bf. and i feel that i'm so much closer to *him* than my own bf. it's like, i can talk to him about every single thing.
Chandran: Then break wif your bf lah and tell *him* that you like him.
Me: Cannot lah. Wad if i break wif my bf skali *him* dun like me in that manner. i also like my bf seh.
Chandran: Siao lah you.
and gee.. i usta like him last time when i was wif Jumali, sorry i never mention it b4 coz i was wif Jumali then and it was only ethical that i didnt develop the feelings. But now, Jumali's gone and i'm free to like anyone.
and in the end, somehow or rather, i still end up liking him.
And when i talked to Chandran the other day, and he said
Chandran: Must be *him* right?? You wont be like this if it's another guy
Me: aha.. yeah la..
Chandran: You arr. From last time noe.
Me: haha.. wad to do.. today i'm meeting him.
Chandran: He's sending you back right? See lah2.. He always tell me he has to send you back after work. *laffs*
Me: Haha.. ASS. You busy wif work, he's busy wif work, how can u all meet and talk about me. Bluff lah. He only sent me home once.
Chandran: okay2..
i was like, ergh! He always noes. Damn.
And not to mention that my MOM prefers *HIM* over Jumali. And even told my neighbour that *HE* is my BF when my neighbour asked her about *HIM* sending me home that night. Can you believe my mom said that?! She said to cover me up. Cover?? By saying he's my bf?? Gee. Thanks ah eh.
And ouh yea. Not to mention that my UNCLE is *HIS* colleague. And thanks ah eh. Everytime there's a family gathering, my uncle would ask where he is and how come he didnt come along. GEE.
Haiz.. Loving someone who loves someone else. Gee. That sounds nice. Urgh. Let's just see how it goes.
i edited one pic of me and him.
There you go.
Emo *HIM*. Emo Me.
hint ya once.
somewhere out there, someone might love you more than her.
u never noe.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Of Love and Deceit
Last night, someone i knew from Anak Melayu called me after a long time not contacting me. Thanks to the AM 1 wk voucher thingy, he began contacting me again. And so, i talked to him ytd, and at first i thought he was quite a good conversationalist wif all those deep thinking stuff. And then shit happened.
I played along and suddenly i saw Baby's pic on my msn (coz i was chatting wif Baby den he told me to put his pic as my dp. gee..). And when i saw Baby's pic, i immediately snapped out of that stupid conversation and me and the guy got into an arguement-kind debate.
Geee. Like, i dun wanna go back to my past lah, seriously. Dun pull me back there. I hate it.
And so, we got off the phone at 4.45 am.
Then, Baby came back online. And i was sleepy and i began typing nonsence siak..
For example...
can see or not uh? hurhur.. perangai ehhz..
heeez.. well, now in school uh.. that guy's been msging me uh. I mean, issit wrong that i just want my family wif me and my foster family alongside me? If they dont allow me to do something, there must be a reason for my own good. Stop arguing.
I dunno what I've been feeling these few days. I mean, I'm definitely trying my best to forget Jumali (not that their couple blog helped! it made me feel hurt a little)
But anihoos, I think I'm having a crush on someone. And it's like, weird uhh.. And i remembered this sentence Nouru told me last time..
"Sometimes the one you love turns out to be the one who hurts you the most,
and sometimes the friend who takes you into his arms
and cries when you cry
turns out to be the love you never knew you wanted."
And i think it's kinda true uhh. Just get the meaning. It's very touching and meaningful.
But i think it's damn obvious aint it? If u've been reading my blog, u'd prolly can guess who it is..
HAIZ.
I played along and suddenly i saw Baby's pic on my msn (coz i was chatting wif Baby den he told me to put his pic as my dp. gee..). And when i saw Baby's pic, i immediately snapped out of that stupid conversation and me and the guy got into an arguement-kind debate.
Geee. Like, i dun wanna go back to my past lah, seriously. Dun pull me back there. I hate it.
And so, we got off the phone at 4.45 am.
Then, Baby came back online. And i was sleepy and i began typing nonsence siak..
For example...
can see or not uh? hurhur.. perangai ehhz..
heeez.. well, now in school uh.. that guy's been msging me uh. I mean, issit wrong that i just want my family wif me and my foster family alongside me? If they dont allow me to do something, there must be a reason for my own good. Stop arguing.
I dunno what I've been feeling these few days. I mean, I'm definitely trying my best to forget Jumali (not that their couple blog helped! it made me feel hurt a little)
But anihoos, I think I'm having a crush on someone. And it's like, weird uhh.. And i remembered this sentence Nouru told me last time..
"Sometimes the one you love turns out to be the one who hurts you the most,
and sometimes the friend who takes you into his arms
and cries when you cry
turns out to be the love you never knew you wanted."
And i think it's kinda true uhh. Just get the meaning. It's very touching and meaningful.
But i think it's damn obvious aint it? If u've been reading my blog, u'd prolly can guess who it is..
HAIZ.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
thanks eh baby
blardy blardy tiredd. work was daymnn tiring...
sigh.. some guest pointed a middle finger to me when it was clearly not my fault. i mean, the bus was damn full and ur parents are elderly, so i let you guys wait for the next bus, so that you guys can get seats lah. but nooo. u screwed me, saying that i let your parents down and let 3 ppl up the bus and u complained that your parents legs were hurting and i let the ppl go first.
GEE.
I let you wait for the next bus so that your parents can get seats. you dun haf to stare at me. i'm not afraid. and so, u decided to point the middle finger to me. GEE. I could sue you.
AHH. Screw.
so aniways, waited for Baby after work and met him at VDC. Followed him to his kampong, Telok Blangah. Haha.. And met his friends. And his friend, Azman, is also my friend BUT that was like, the first time i saw him in person uh and he didnt talk to me! Talk abt shy guys. hurhur.
So aniway, Baby took his keys frm home and sent me home. Siao lah that fella. Road tax dah expired and he still sent me home. But aniway, Thanks Ah Baby. HEEE.
Hmm. So these few days i have been strong. Not crying and stuff. Guess i dun haf the time to. Been too busy as always to think about it. And parents been behind me all these while. But i've kinda disappointed them tonight. Urgh. DUn talk abt it.
Gosh.. Too tired to continue man.. But i'll reply the taggies ok..
Kelis: YOU ARE SO BLUR. haha... i'll see you on Monday alrite..
Nouru: HAHA. That is like, SO RANDOM. haha.. STAND BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE PLEASE!!
Ika: Jakon sehh.. Haha.. It's my current favourite song.. =)
Leanna-Jazz: I LOVE YOU TOO DARLZ! hehe.. i couldnt think of any other names uh.. aha.. so i put your name there uhh.. ahakz..
Yi Jin: Eh HI! aha.. Long time never see you also.. 1 wk already. ahah.. i'll try to be in school on Monday okiee.. haha..
Ouh shoots. i cant stop calling ppl darling and baby. aha.. but my num 1 baby would still be Thabri. Haha.. And if i answer the phone wif a "Yes Darling?", dun be shock k... Haha.. Too much Drama influence.
yea.. tts all. i'm darn tired. working again tmr. Baby's doing night shift tmr. GEE.
I miss Abang Man too. Didnt get a chance to talk to him so much just now. Maybe tmr.
Okok. i'm gg to bed. nites.
p/s: i do not have a life. so dun ask me out. hurhur.
sigh.. some guest pointed a middle finger to me when it was clearly not my fault. i mean, the bus was damn full and ur parents are elderly, so i let you guys wait for the next bus, so that you guys can get seats lah. but nooo. u screwed me, saying that i let your parents down and let 3 ppl up the bus and u complained that your parents legs were hurting and i let the ppl go first.
GEE.
I let you wait for the next bus so that your parents can get seats. you dun haf to stare at me. i'm not afraid. and so, u decided to point the middle finger to me. GEE. I could sue you.
AHH. Screw.
so aniways, waited for Baby after work and met him at VDC. Followed him to his kampong, Telok Blangah. Haha.. And met his friends. And his friend, Azman, is also my friend BUT that was like, the first time i saw him in person uh and he didnt talk to me! Talk abt shy guys. hurhur.
So aniway, Baby took his keys frm home and sent me home. Siao lah that fella. Road tax dah expired and he still sent me home. But aniway, Thanks Ah Baby. HEEE.
Hmm. So these few days i have been strong. Not crying and stuff. Guess i dun haf the time to. Been too busy as always to think about it. And parents been behind me all these while. But i've kinda disappointed them tonight. Urgh. DUn talk abt it.
Gosh.. Too tired to continue man.. But i'll reply the taggies ok..
Kelis: YOU ARE SO BLUR. haha... i'll see you on Monday alrite..
Nouru: HAHA. That is like, SO RANDOM. haha.. STAND BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE PLEASE!!
Ika: Jakon sehh.. Haha.. It's my current favourite song.. =)
Leanna-Jazz: I LOVE YOU TOO DARLZ! hehe.. i couldnt think of any other names uh.. aha.. so i put your name there uhh.. ahakz..
Yi Jin: Eh HI! aha.. Long time never see you also.. 1 wk already. ahah.. i'll try to be in school on Monday okiee.. haha..
Ouh shoots. i cant stop calling ppl darling and baby. aha.. but my num 1 baby would still be Thabri. Haha.. And if i answer the phone wif a "Yes Darling?", dun be shock k... Haha.. Too much Drama influence.
yea.. tts all. i'm darn tired. working again tmr. Baby's doing night shift tmr. GEE.
I miss Abang Man too. Didnt get a chance to talk to him so much just now. Maybe tmr.
Okok. i'm gg to bed. nites.
p/s: i do not have a life. so dun ask me out. hurhur.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
=)
THANKS EHH MY BABIES. =)
I LOVE ALL OF YOU WHO LOVE ME.
sorry lah if i didnt mention that i love you all. i love you all so so much okay.
retyped:
i love my family.
i love my transport department family.
i love my drama mates.
i love E35C.
i love abang man.
i love thabri baby.
AND!! I LOVE THESE PPL TOO!!
i love Nouru,
i love Jalilah,
i love Lin,
i love Sandy.
and also love everybody else who loves me. =)
wait, let me reply my tags first.
Sandy: Please lor Sandy. 7.30 is the time for you to go to school. NOT NAP ok! HAHA. okok fineee.. it's there already.. i love ya too bitch.
Lin: Yes sayang.. I'm a lil fine now.. We'll meet up soon okay IF ever i'm in school. ahakz.. I love ya too darling~
Hida: I miss all of you too. I just wanna make sure i'm feeling better b4 i come to class so that i wont throw tantrums at you all. but i miss you all lah babies.. i promise i'll come to class soon okay.
Miss Blurtink: i love you lah larlink.. kat tagboard ku dah letak kan.. aha.. really sayang all of u okay..
Nouru: HAIYOO! I LOVE ALL OF YOU LAH. including you, Mr Nouru. =p yes2.. parents.. they just want the best for you. tts all.
'dee': aha.. i dunno if u're trying to address me or what.. i'm thinking u're my classmate.. i will come to school soon okay.. yes, i agree, family is still the best.
ok.. so for my update..
went to Sentosa yet again today. this time round wif my mum and Aken. went to swim at Palawan. The weather was dark and cold. nice one. den it rained. and den we took Abg Man's Yellow Line to VDC and went to Harbourfront for lunch. And when we were abt to leave, i realised that i lost my ezlink card. wtf.
and i told my mum to go home first, since, i wont be gg home anyways and she looked pretty much tired while i went back in to Palawan to look for my ezlink but to no avail. so i took Mani's Yellow Line to VAC, den saw Abg Man and Uncle Goh at the Carpark.
Den went over, talk2.. and Abg Man, being the bestest big bro, offered to send me to school. HEE. So took his van, and.. he drove past Alexandra Fire Station. And i saw Him. Got distraught for a while.
but aniways, Abg Man, talked to me and stuff and made me feel a bit better. And we went to Woodlands, near the causeway there to look at fishes and stuff. And his grips on my head and his tickles, although made me tired, cheered me up a lot.
den abt 4, we left that place, and he sent me to school.
=)
Si baby tu pi Ubin uh. Giler nye kambeng. Wad's so fun abt fishing anyway..
ok darn tired.. but i have to do this tag first by Hida.. Thanks ah eh..
7 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME
- loves to be manja-ed.
- have terrible mood swings
- i'm quiet but noisy. meaning: i contradict myself.
- i'm always busy.
- can never be a good girlfriend.
- confused abt my feelings
- i love sentosa
7 THINGS THAT SCARES ME
- God.
- Death.
- Drowning
- Cats
- Balloons
- Heartbreak
- Losing ma loved ones.
7 RANDOM MUSIC AT THE MOMENT
- Hips Don't Lie- Shakira
- Unfaithful- Rihanna
- Yaak Ja Rong Dung Dung - Palmy
- Pedih - Ella
- Retak - Ella
- Bad Day - Daniel Powter
- Only One - Yellowcard
7 THINGS I LIKE THE MOST
- family.
- friends.
- sentosa ppl.
- sentosa
- drama.republic
- work.
- abg man and baby
7 THINGS I SAY THE MOST
- thanks ah eh!
- suker hati lah baby
- yelah tu.
- whateverrr.
- ah u noe!
- siak uh.
- arrrhhh
7 PEOPLE TO DO THIS
- sandy.
- nouru
- kelis.
- leanna
- whoever
- whoever
- whoever.
ok done. bye~!!
I LOVE ALL OF YOU WHO LOVE ME.
sorry lah if i didnt mention that i love you all. i love you all so so much okay.
retyped:
i love my family.
i love my transport department family.
i love my drama mates.
i love E35C.
i love abang man.
i love thabri baby.
AND!! I LOVE THESE PPL TOO!!
i love Nouru,
i love Jalilah,
i love Lin,
i love Sandy.
and also love everybody else who loves me. =)
wait, let me reply my tags first.
Sandy: Please lor Sandy. 7.30 is the time for you to go to school. NOT NAP ok! HAHA. okok fineee.. it's there already.. i love ya too bitch.
Lin: Yes sayang.. I'm a lil fine now.. We'll meet up soon okay IF ever i'm in school. ahakz.. I love ya too darling~
Hida: I miss all of you too. I just wanna make sure i'm feeling better b4 i come to class so that i wont throw tantrums at you all. but i miss you all lah babies.. i promise i'll come to class soon okay.
Miss Blurtink: i love you lah larlink.. kat tagboard ku dah letak kan.. aha.. really sayang all of u okay..
Nouru: HAIYOO! I LOVE ALL OF YOU LAH. including you, Mr Nouru. =p yes2.. parents.. they just want the best for you. tts all.
'dee': aha.. i dunno if u're trying to address me or what.. i'm thinking u're my classmate.. i will come to school soon okay.. yes, i agree, family is still the best.
ok.. so for my update..
went to Sentosa yet again today. this time round wif my mum and Aken. went to swim at Palawan. The weather was dark and cold. nice one. den it rained. and den we took Abg Man's Yellow Line to VDC and went to Harbourfront for lunch. And when we were abt to leave, i realised that i lost my ezlink card. wtf.
and i told my mum to go home first, since, i wont be gg home anyways and she looked pretty much tired while i went back in to Palawan to look for my ezlink but to no avail. so i took Mani's Yellow Line to VAC, den saw Abg Man and Uncle Goh at the Carpark.
Den went over, talk2.. and Abg Man, being the bestest big bro, offered to send me to school. HEE. So took his van, and.. he drove past Alexandra Fire Station. And i saw Him. Got distraught for a while.
but aniways, Abg Man, talked to me and stuff and made me feel a bit better. And we went to Woodlands, near the causeway there to look at fishes and stuff. And his grips on my head and his tickles, although made me tired, cheered me up a lot.
den abt 4, we left that place, and he sent me to school.
=)
Si baby tu pi Ubin uh. Giler nye kambeng. Wad's so fun abt fishing anyway..
ok darn tired.. but i have to do this tag first by Hida.. Thanks ah eh..
7 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME
- loves to be manja-ed.
- have terrible mood swings
- i'm quiet but noisy. meaning: i contradict myself.
- i'm always busy.
- can never be a good girlfriend.
- confused abt my feelings
- i love sentosa
7 THINGS THAT SCARES ME
- God.
- Death.
- Drowning
- Cats
- Balloons
- Heartbreak
- Losing ma loved ones.
7 RANDOM MUSIC AT THE MOMENT
- Hips Don't Lie- Shakira
- Unfaithful- Rihanna
- Yaak Ja Rong Dung Dung - Palmy
- Pedih - Ella
- Retak - Ella
- Bad Day - Daniel Powter
- Only One - Yellowcard
7 THINGS I LIKE THE MOST
- family.
- friends.
- sentosa ppl.
- sentosa
- drama.republic
- work.
- abg man and baby
7 THINGS I SAY THE MOST
- thanks ah eh!
- suker hati lah baby
- yelah tu.
- whateverrr.
- ah u noe!
- siak uh.
- arrrhhh
7 PEOPLE TO DO THIS
- sandy.
- nouru
- kelis.
- leanna
- whoever
- whoever
- whoever.
ok done. bye~!!
shitstuff
ruddy tired.
reached home at 12.15 am today. Drama rehearsals are becoming more and more strenuous. But at least it keeps me busy. and mad. some were like, dee.. be a lesbian lah dee. girls are hott u noe. and i was like.. eh stop it siaa. hurhur. dun want lah sia.
and we had Redbull challenge. HEH. Guess who won?? I DID!!! and it was the first time i joined them for it and they were all guys. ahakz.. paiseh seh they all. den after that went to eat ice-cream at MaC.
EWW.
I just lost interest in ice cream. i mean, i ate it lah. and now i feel sick. urgh. den while eating, my "Daddy" called. wahahaha. nahh.. supposed to meet him tmr for lunch but i cancelled coz i'll be gg Sentosa wif my mum and bro.
then when i was at Jrg East, Abg Man msged asking me if i was home and if i wanted to bet wif him abt tonight's matchl. alrite ah. heh.. i think France will win. Heh. Let's just wait and see. If i win the bet, he'll blanja me makan. If i lose, den i have to buy him loadsa milk. ahaha..
den reached home, si Baby call. heh.. If he knows i called him Baby in my blog, he'll kill me man! Haha.. No lah. Si Thabri Giler Baby (haha..) called me. Den talk2 to him... And i made him crazy again. Can't help it lah.. He always calls me at the time when i'm going mad. He'll always say.. "Ahh.. Dah masuk waktu giler dia ah nie.." (read: it's her crazy time again..)
ahakz.. siao-ness. but yessah.. this saturday after work, he'll be meeting me and sending me home on his bike. Wheee. I rmb the first time i took his bike, the next day, sakit seh. haha.. hopefully this time round, i'll be fine.
last night was the worse night of my life. i cried so hard that my eyes were really puffed up and i totally lost grip of myself and went half mad. even if i broke up wif some guy, i wouldnt go to this extend of breaking down.
up to the point of which, my parents came in to my room. and i was screaming like mad. i was like, lost control of myself. from 1 am to 4am i cried and cried. and my dad had to pull me and hugged me to cool me down and let me get a grip of myself.
sigh...
i hope tonight it doesnt happen again.
haish.. it's like, as much as i want you back, i feel like i also dun want you back. i'm darn ashamed. I went against my parents for you but you ditched me just like that. and now, when i'm on the verge of losing myself too, the ppl who took me into their arms were my parents. and ppl who made sure i was okay every single day, were Abang Man and Thabri Baby and ppl who cheered me up when i was down were the Sentosa drivers and my Drama ppl.
i need to find my strength and move on in life.
like Abang Man, Uncle Goh Teck Huat and Cik Azri said, "You're still young... You'll have a lot of other chances.. Who noes you can find a better one.."
And i thank Baby for making me realise the evil side that guys have and abt not to love someone 100%-ly.
And you noe what the ironic thing is, in Drama, bof Nita and Krishna had to try to smoke (wifout tarik-ing) to understand their character. Nita is a smoking addict while Krishna is some Indian scholar.
And for me, an emo suicider.. I went thru this whole bunch of shit. It certainly helped me a lot in my character building.
to minah ite,
gal, u dun haf to be guilty okay. i'm not mad at you or anything. rmb wad i told you abt making him happy? yes, please do. i hope you and him will be happy together and good luck to you relationship. i'm sure you can do a better job than me.
and to the guy who just got to noe me. please understand that i am not interested in any relationship at this point of time. so, dun think abt it alright. even if i'm interested in one, i dun even noe you so i dun see the point of gg into a relationship wif you.
and i'm happy wif the ppl ard me.
i love my family.
i love my transport department family.
i love my drama mates.
i love E35C.
i love abang man.
i love thabri baby.
yeah, tts all.
i miss marco. and BEEEEJAAYY. Before i ask Gurmit to BJ u, pls send the pics we too just now okay!
much love,
ChiCka
reached home at 12.15 am today. Drama rehearsals are becoming more and more strenuous. But at least it keeps me busy. and mad. some were like, dee.. be a lesbian lah dee. girls are hott u noe. and i was like.. eh stop it siaa. hurhur. dun want lah sia.
and we had Redbull challenge. HEH. Guess who won?? I DID!!! and it was the first time i joined them for it and they were all guys. ahakz.. paiseh seh they all. den after that went to eat ice-cream at MaC.
EWW.
I just lost interest in ice cream. i mean, i ate it lah. and now i feel sick. urgh. den while eating, my "Daddy" called. wahahaha. nahh.. supposed to meet him tmr for lunch but i cancelled coz i'll be gg Sentosa wif my mum and bro.
then when i was at Jrg East, Abg Man msged asking me if i was home and if i wanted to bet wif him abt tonight's matchl. alrite ah. heh.. i think France will win. Heh. Let's just wait and see. If i win the bet, he'll blanja me makan. If i lose, den i have to buy him loadsa milk. ahaha..
den reached home, si Baby call. heh.. If he knows i called him Baby in my blog, he'll kill me man! Haha.. No lah. Si Thabri Giler Baby (haha..) called me. Den talk2 to him... And i made him crazy again. Can't help it lah.. He always calls me at the time when i'm going mad. He'll always say.. "Ahh.. Dah masuk waktu giler dia ah nie.." (read: it's her crazy time again..)
ahakz.. siao-ness. but yessah.. this saturday after work, he'll be meeting me and sending me home on his bike. Wheee. I rmb the first time i took his bike, the next day, sakit seh. haha.. hopefully this time round, i'll be fine.
last night was the worse night of my life. i cried so hard that my eyes were really puffed up and i totally lost grip of myself and went half mad. even if i broke up wif some guy, i wouldnt go to this extend of breaking down.
up to the point of which, my parents came in to my room. and i was screaming like mad. i was like, lost control of myself. from 1 am to 4am i cried and cried. and my dad had to pull me and hugged me to cool me down and let me get a grip of myself.
sigh...
i hope tonight it doesnt happen again.
haish.. it's like, as much as i want you back, i feel like i also dun want you back. i'm darn ashamed. I went against my parents for you but you ditched me just like that. and now, when i'm on the verge of losing myself too, the ppl who took me into their arms were my parents. and ppl who made sure i was okay every single day, were Abang Man and Thabri Baby and ppl who cheered me up when i was down were the Sentosa drivers and my Drama ppl.
i need to find my strength and move on in life.
like Abang Man, Uncle Goh Teck Huat and Cik Azri said, "You're still young... You'll have a lot of other chances.. Who noes you can find a better one.."
And i thank Baby for making me realise the evil side that guys have and abt not to love someone 100%-ly.
And you noe what the ironic thing is, in Drama, bof Nita and Krishna had to try to smoke (wifout tarik-ing) to understand their character. Nita is a smoking addict while Krishna is some Indian scholar.
And for me, an emo suicider.. I went thru this whole bunch of shit. It certainly helped me a lot in my character building.
to minah ite,
gal, u dun haf to be guilty okay. i'm not mad at you or anything. rmb wad i told you abt making him happy? yes, please do. i hope you and him will be happy together and good luck to you relationship. i'm sure you can do a better job than me.
and to the guy who just got to noe me. please understand that i am not interested in any relationship at this point of time. so, dun think abt it alright. even if i'm interested in one, i dun even noe you so i dun see the point of gg into a relationship wif you.
and i'm happy wif the ppl ard me.
i love my family.
i love my transport department family.
i love my drama mates.
i love E35C.
i love abang man.
i love thabri baby.
yeah, tts all.
aniway, look at wad i found at leanna's flickr... hee..
i miss marco. and BEEEEJAAYY. Before i ask Gurmit to BJ u, pls send the pics we too just now okay!
much love,
ChiCka
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
i'm TRYING to move on.
sigh..
never go school again today. well, i did lah in a way.
i reached class at 745am coz my dad sent me to school. but then, after some, "surprises" over at friendster, i decided not to continue in class and went off to my 2nd home.
Den went to sit at vac and called my "daddy" up. He was just at Harbourfront. So went to Bora Bora and did some checking of mails and stuff. Then daddy called me and told me to wait at underwater world at 1130. but then i didnt think i could reach there on time so i waited at Imbiah. He wanted to give me money to eat. I didnt want to. But then, he forced me to take. But i didnt expect him to give me $20. i was like, omg.
den after that, went to vac, abg man was there. so went to talk to him and the rest. and he pulled me to the container and talked to me one to one.
and ouh yea, before i went to bora2, i took cik yusof's bus. and while reaching beach station, he said.. if there's anything call him. like, if i need someone to talk to lah. coz he said, he looked at me and he can sense that i got problems but i just keep them in. i just smiled. haiz.. fathers. they can always sense. but for my dad, he sensed it but keeps quiet. haiz..
so aniway, stayed at vac office from 1pm. then my god father cum kembar siam, uncle goh, also sensed tat something was wrong wif me. so i told him what happend. he told me lotsa stuff. all of which, made me feel a lot better.
and then, i went to the back right wif abg man, uncle sunny tan was there. he's a joker. told me and abg man abt how his car tyre overtook his car and stuff. haha.. that really cheered me up.
so den, i waited for uncle goh to tumpang him back to school, and when waiting for him to fingerprint out, cik azri came in.
and he was the one who talked to me abt relationships last time. about how a relationship can never work out if parents dun approve of it. and i guess he was right.
now, i'm just on the road to recovery. i'm glad i went there and got advices and words from the drivers.
i tot of gg there to cry. but in the end, i didnt shed a single tear. which, i was glad that i didnt. gg there really cheered me up a lot. =)
i guess, even though i lost someone i really love, there're always ppl who loves me and treat me like their own daughter and sister. i'm just glad i have them as part of my family.
now, for their sake, i have to move on. i cant bear to let ppl see me sad and suffering. i want to let them see the old Dee again. OH. No. Let them see, Dian Farini again, which, i have a long2 way to search for her.
hmm.. i guess.. even though i lost something, some things will never change.
never go school again today. well, i did lah in a way.
i reached class at 745am coz my dad sent me to school. but then, after some, "surprises" over at friendster, i decided not to continue in class and went off to my 2nd home.
Den went to sit at vac and called my "daddy" up. He was just at Harbourfront. So went to Bora Bora and did some checking of mails and stuff. Then daddy called me and told me to wait at underwater world at 1130. but then i didnt think i could reach there on time so i waited at Imbiah. He wanted to give me money to eat. I didnt want to. But then, he forced me to take. But i didnt expect him to give me $20. i was like, omg.
den after that, went to vac, abg man was there. so went to talk to him and the rest. and he pulled me to the container and talked to me one to one.
and ouh yea, before i went to bora2, i took cik yusof's bus. and while reaching beach station, he said.. if there's anything call him. like, if i need someone to talk to lah. coz he said, he looked at me and he can sense that i got problems but i just keep them in. i just smiled. haiz.. fathers. they can always sense. but for my dad, he sensed it but keeps quiet. haiz..
so aniway, stayed at vac office from 1pm. then my god father cum kembar siam, uncle goh, also sensed tat something was wrong wif me. so i told him what happend. he told me lotsa stuff. all of which, made me feel a lot better.
and then, i went to the back right wif abg man, uncle sunny tan was there. he's a joker. told me and abg man abt how his car tyre overtook his car and stuff. haha.. that really cheered me up.
so den, i waited for uncle goh to tumpang him back to school, and when waiting for him to fingerprint out, cik azri came in.
and he was the one who talked to me abt relationships last time. about how a relationship can never work out if parents dun approve of it. and i guess he was right.
now, i'm just on the road to recovery. i'm glad i went there and got advices and words from the drivers.
i tot of gg there to cry. but in the end, i didnt shed a single tear. which, i was glad that i didnt. gg there really cheered me up a lot. =)
i guess, even though i lost someone i really love, there're always ppl who loves me and treat me like their own daughter and sister. i'm just glad i have them as part of my family.
now, for their sake, i have to move on. i cant bear to let ppl see me sad and suffering. i want to let them see the old Dee again. OH. No. Let them see, Dian Farini again, which, i have a long2 way to search for her.
hmm.. i guess.. even though i lost something, some things will never change.
Monday, July 03, 2006
no, i cant face it. i cant handle it
Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I'd let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one
Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone
i cant get over it..
i dun wanna get over it..
dun leave me alone.
i might just break down anytime.
i went against my own principle. i swore not to love someone wif my whole heart coz i noe how disastrous if the love failed. but i was so confident that this love is gonna last so i loved you wif all my heart and soul. in the end, the love still failed.
i shldnt have known better not to love someone wif my whole heart.
it kills me to imagine the two of you together.. but there's nothing i can do abt it. that's the crappiest thing! I CANT DO ANYTHING!!
i've never felt so evil in my live that i could hurt somebody so much and not knowing it.
I HATE MY IGNORANCE.
minah ite,
i dun wanna be unreasonable and say that u took him away from me. i dun wanna blame anybody except myself. so dun say that u took him away from me. as much as i wanna make him happy, i guess there's no last chance for me. that's just my regret. i wasnt given a last chance to try and make this relationship better. i just want that last chance so bad.
jumali,
i really loved you. and to see u happy wif another girl just kills me. i'd do anything for u. but i'm just so sorry i'm so busy. i want to be the person to cheer you up, to make you feel loved and just make u happy. but i'm sorry i couldnt do all that coz i was too ignorant.
i told you right from the beginning when u sounded me. i'm a very busy person. can u handle that? and u said yes. u said u're also a bz person urself. and all along, i was understanding ur busy-ness wif work. but just for these few weeks, u couldnt understand my busy-ness. tts another regret.
i just love you so much. i cant seem to let go. and i dun wanna let go.
i just cant...
You are my only one
I'd let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one
Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone
i cant get over it..
i dun wanna get over it..
dun leave me alone.
i might just break down anytime.
i went against my own principle. i swore not to love someone wif my whole heart coz i noe how disastrous if the love failed. but i was so confident that this love is gonna last so i loved you wif all my heart and soul. in the end, the love still failed.
i shldnt have known better not to love someone wif my whole heart.
it kills me to imagine the two of you together.. but there's nothing i can do abt it. that's the crappiest thing! I CANT DO ANYTHING!!
i've never felt so evil in my live that i could hurt somebody so much and not knowing it.
I HATE MY IGNORANCE.
minah ite,
i dun wanna be unreasonable and say that u took him away from me. i dun wanna blame anybody except myself. so dun say that u took him away from me. as much as i wanna make him happy, i guess there's no last chance for me. that's just my regret. i wasnt given a last chance to try and make this relationship better. i just want that last chance so bad.
jumali,
i really loved you. and to see u happy wif another girl just kills me. i'd do anything for u. but i'm just so sorry i'm so busy. i want to be the person to cheer you up, to make you feel loved and just make u happy. but i'm sorry i couldnt do all that coz i was too ignorant.
i told you right from the beginning when u sounded me. i'm a very busy person. can u handle that? and u said yes. u said u're also a bz person urself. and all along, i was understanding ur busy-ness wif work. but just for these few weeks, u couldnt understand my busy-ness. tts another regret.
i just love you so much. i cant seem to let go. and i dun wanna let go.
i just cant...
yes, it's over. face it dee.
sigh. dun ask me how. i dun wanna remember all of it. can i have amnesia please?
so it didnt reach the 6 months that i was waiting for. sorry that i couldnt contain my tears anymore. sorry that i had to break down over the phone. there's just so many things i wanna say but it's no use now right?
i noe that i'm busy and that i dun haf the most understanding parents on earth. but it's not fair for you to diss me like that. i cant help it that i'm busy and that i'm going after my dreams of performing. and issit my fault that i'm working so that i'll have money to go out wif you?
sigh.. i guess thats why they say performers always have no life.
so here i am, back being single again. i hope you're happier wif her. thanks minah ite for making me realise my mistakes and realise that i was hurting him. and thanks for making him happy too, something which, i failed to do.
sigh... it's over just like that.
and i'm sorry that i still love you. and that i cant forget you. but aniways, i hope that you'll be happy. that's all that i can wish for you.
and now all those memories, just seem distant. i wasnt prepared for this. i knew things would go wrong but i didnt expect this to happen. jeepers. and i finished my pack of ciggies today. all 20 of em. sigh. i need more ciggies.
well aniways, after that, i was crying so bad and i needed to call someone to pep talk me. so i called thabri aka baby but he was sleeping..
so i called abg man.. den he talked to me and made me stop crying. and his words really made me feel better. and what i rememberd that he said was that.. "Abang percayakan Dian.. I believe in you. If i believe in you, you can also and must believe in yourself." i was kinda touched by that.
and abg man promised me to change me. physically. that shld be smthing. i plan to change my image. yeh. thanks to abg man.
well, i guess this is a new beginning.
so it didnt reach the 6 months that i was waiting for. sorry that i couldnt contain my tears anymore. sorry that i had to break down over the phone. there's just so many things i wanna say but it's no use now right?
i noe that i'm busy and that i dun haf the most understanding parents on earth. but it's not fair for you to diss me like that. i cant help it that i'm busy and that i'm going after my dreams of performing. and issit my fault that i'm working so that i'll have money to go out wif you?
sigh.. i guess thats why they say performers always have no life.
so here i am, back being single again. i hope you're happier wif her. thanks minah ite for making me realise my mistakes and realise that i was hurting him. and thanks for making him happy too, something which, i failed to do.
sigh... it's over just like that.
and i'm sorry that i still love you. and that i cant forget you. but aniways, i hope that you'll be happy. that's all that i can wish for you.
and now all those memories, just seem distant. i wasnt prepared for this. i knew things would go wrong but i didnt expect this to happen. jeepers. and i finished my pack of ciggies today. all 20 of em. sigh. i need more ciggies.
well aniways, after that, i was crying so bad and i needed to call someone to pep talk me. so i called thabri aka baby but he was sleeping..
so i called abg man.. den he talked to me and made me stop crying. and his words really made me feel better. and what i rememberd that he said was that.. "Abang percayakan Dian.. I believe in you. If i believe in you, you can also and must believe in yourself." i was kinda touched by that.
and abg man promised me to change me. physically. that shld be smthing. i plan to change my image. yeh. thanks to abg man.
well, i guess this is a new beginning.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
bleeding heart
if my heart can bleed, it would probably be swimming in a pool of blood right now.
that was the last straw. i couldnt contain my tears anymore. all of this week, i've been crying inside and not let my tears down. i cant hold it any longer. the moment i saw it, that's it. the tears just flow.
no wonder i was feeling uneasy all the way from work to home. my heart hurt and it cried so hard. and i noe that it was because of that. but i didnt really expect this to happen.
i need an explanation.
and it better be good.
current song:
Kian - Mawi.
Kian jauh
Kian hilang
Kasih antara kita
Nampak tenang
Pada zahirnya
Tapi batin terseksa
Yang terguris tak nampak dimata
Yang terhiris terluka
Sesekali terbit air mata
Tahan sebak didada
Ke manakah..nak dibawa
Resah kian melanda
Di manakah
Hendak ku khabar
Pilu di dalam dada
Bila kasih di hujungnya nyawa
Rasa ingin dimanja
Perasaan pun kian tersentuh
Bila rindu ini berlabuh
Apakah yang dikejar dalam hidupmu
Berkali ku kata padamu
Kita singgah di dunia yang sementara
Penuh tipu daya
Yang kekal
Disana
Biarlah..kita bersama
Usahlah
Hanyut terus terlena
Kerana dunia
Pada aku masih ada
Kasih belum terhakis
Sebenarnya..sudah lama
Ku sungguh berkecil hati
that was the last straw. i couldnt contain my tears anymore. all of this week, i've been crying inside and not let my tears down. i cant hold it any longer. the moment i saw it, that's it. the tears just flow.
no wonder i was feeling uneasy all the way from work to home. my heart hurt and it cried so hard. and i noe that it was because of that. but i didnt really expect this to happen.
i need an explanation.
and it better be good.
current song:
Kian - Mawi.
Kian jauh
Kian hilang
Kasih antara kita
Nampak tenang
Pada zahirnya
Tapi batin terseksa
Yang terguris tak nampak dimata
Yang terhiris terluka
Sesekali terbit air mata
Tahan sebak didada
Ke manakah..nak dibawa
Resah kian melanda
Di manakah
Hendak ku khabar
Pilu di dalam dada
Bila kasih di hujungnya nyawa
Rasa ingin dimanja
Perasaan pun kian tersentuh
Bila rindu ini berlabuh
Apakah yang dikejar dalam hidupmu
Berkali ku kata padamu
Kita singgah di dunia yang sementara
Penuh tipu daya
Yang kekal
Disana
Biarlah..kita bersama
Usahlah
Hanyut terus terlena
Kerana dunia
Pada aku masih ada
Kasih belum terhakis
Sebenarnya..sudah lama
Ku sungguh berkecil hati
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