mama n abah.

sesungguhnye, aku merasakan yg diri aku ni hanyut dek mengikutkan halwa nafsu yg tak tentu arah. nafsu, dalam subjek ini, bermacam-macam perkara. jangan setakat fikir nafsu itu hanya untuk nafsu seksual.

dan aku merasakan, fikiran ku sudah buntu. mcm sudah tidak waras untuk memikirkan apa yang baik dan apa yang buruk. semua asal boleh go jer. entah la.. sendiri gali lubang, sendiri tutup ye.

untuk post di bawah, sesiape yg rase jelak membace aku crite pasal ex aku, rase2 jangan bace ah. but, it's just for me to think through.

i talked to the ex's sister just now. and she was telling me how, abah said, he and mama would really be happy if me and him get back together. for awhile day, my ego flopped. i know it's impossible for me to get back with him. knowing the condition and situation that both of us are in now. and i know, there could never be another us.

we never really talk unless its business and we have to discuss it. other than that, we are nothing. and i told mama the other day, i don't talk to him anymore.. and she said, maybe because he's always busy.

mama.. sometimes, i do wish that things were the way it was. but it isn't. i know, you and abah want me to be with him, and sometimes, i hope your wishes come true, but i realize, this is reality, there can never be us agn.

maybe because your son changed. and he moved on. and he left me far behind and in the lurch. i hated him for that. it took me almost 5 months just to forget about him. i loved him a lot. i really do. but i dunno how i feel twds him now. coz i just don't want to get hurt again coz, if i love him, i wont be able to face the fact again, which took me 5 mths to overcome.

but mama, abah and adik, i love u all like family. i've never been close to a bf's family and u guys were the first, to enter my life. and i've treated all of u like family.

i remembered how.. all five of us would sit and talk and crack jokes and we'll always end up talking about ghost stories.

and i remembered how, mama taught me how to bake chocolate chip muffins even after i broke up with him. and also, i remembered.. watching soccer with abah. and the family chalet during adik's bday..

i miss all of that. but mama, abah.. i need to move on for the sake of my happiness. i can't be waiting for your son for ever. though, today, i've finally rejected my ego and thought that i missed him.

and thats it.. if fate decided to be nice, who knows we might reunite. but, the way i see it now, there's no hope.

and i'm in search of happiness.

the jasman day

yesterday spent the whole day with Jas. went to Escape, then to Armenian Street and then to Marina Square.

Escape to me was lame. or maybe, its just the fact that i've outgrown it. the only good things there were the pirate ship, the go-kart and the haunted house. the rest were bleargghh.



then after Escape, we went to Armenian Street, the Peranakan museum where Cik Yassin was performing. And it was actually fun to see all the Babas and Nyonyas joget.


on the way there.


line dancing


the nyonya and the baba yg kuat stamina danced till the last song.


Yayan joined in the fun.


so did Cik Aini


Cik Yassin on the guitars.

Oh den it ended at 6 and we went to meet Jas' bandmates and went to eat at Seoul Garden.



We were damn hungry sia coz we saved our tummies for Seoul Garden since the afternoon. That's our plate ah. haha.



That was how i was feeling at that point of time. haha. sempat.

So then.. we went back early coz we were like bloody tired sia. Yeah so that ended the day.

i so do not like to be stuck in the middle.

bitch

dear life,

i really wonder, when will you stop being a bitch and start being nice to me? why do you keep throwing your bitchstuff to me at the same fucking time?

oh thankyou, for showing me what ego is really like. oh thank you, for showing me for the very first time in my 19 plus years of living, the fact that life isn't a bed of roses in a relationship of 20 plus years. i have never heard them argue like that before. and it sucks big time. and the worst thing was, i didnt know who to side with.

entah uh. bingit ah.

'nak duduk bebual dgn anak pun salah."
"yelah. anak satu jer pe"


honestly, i'd rather be out den be in a situation like this.

DAAAAAH. AKU MALAS NAK STRESS2 LAGIK! SKOLA STRESS! KEJE STRESS! RUMAH STRESS! BINGIT LAAAHHHH!

haiz. tmr, i'll be out wif Jas. yessah finally, we're going out. oh i miss him soo much! oh and Wanny, reply me laah. idiot. tsktsk.

done.

haiz.

sesungguhnye suara aku mcm jantan time SLA fiesta. haha. if you wanna watch the vid (which i hope you don't), it'll be at the Endang Multiply website. disappointing uh. alah.. fine laa. i'm just gonna stick to being an awok.

so anyways, today hasnt been a good day. i didnt go to school and i woke up at 2.30p.m.

huhu. and in the evening, i saw someone online. someone from the past. someone i used to hate so much. and i thought he changed. but apparently not, and i thought, why the heck do i bother? haiz. crap lah. so i just blocked him.

ytd night, met a new friend. it was okay. but that was not the highlight i guess. ahah. he knew Jas. and that, is the highlight.

after i met the friend, on the way back in the train, i called Jas up. ohhhh how i miss that fella. and when home, i webcammed with him like, again. haha and of course, it was fun fun fun! heh. if only i can upload that pic and show how cute he was last night.. but, haha. he was topless. nyaaah.

haha. and then, we were talking about something. and, then i said, absence makes the heart fonder.

huhu. go figure.

bad dee.

i feel so bad for overpowering yesterday. haiz. i should just keep my mouth shut and let her do the work. sape lah aku ni. i'm just a has-been. she should be the one basking in the limelight, and not me. i should just keep low and only speak up if i have to.

sorry eh ain =(

excitement

RAAAAAAAAAA!!
ENDANG TRAINING TODAY.
dah start ah kemaluan aku. OOOOOPPTTHS.

i meant, my fear of meeting new people da start. seriously sak. last year dgn budak2 Endang pun same. Kalau boleh nak aje sak aku sembunyi. Nari dah merasakannya jugak. Haha. Boleh tak kalau tak datang. Malulah Saya.

peace~

i forgot to add in the other day.

Scenario 4.
Me: I'm going JB tonite with my mum and aunts.
Ridz: Buat ape?
Me: Isi minyak.
Nouru: Tidak kah kau tengok, pergi Johor malam2 kan bahaya?

directly translated from: can't you see, going to Johor at night is dangerous?

Scenario 5. (me, Ridz and Atie at the coffeeshop on Saturday before comp)

Ridz: Order jer ape korg nak? auntie, teh-o satu, kau?
Me: Kopi. Atie?
Atie: Teh-o.
Ridz: ok auntie, SAMPOERNA MILD MENTHOL LIGHT satu.

Auntie came in with Marlboro Lights.
Ridz: auntie wrong la. SAMPOERNA MENTHOL LIGHT.

Auntie came in with Sampoerna Menthol.
Ridz: Auntie salah la. i want Viceroy Menthol Light.

Whaddeerrheell. hahaha. dengar2 Sampoerna ade menthol light per. huhu! ape saje si Wanny tu.

Haha. geez!

So anyways, I think i'm stuck with boy problems again. Well, i mean, i do want a boyfriend and all, but i'm just not ready to settle down. like, really and honestly. i dun think i'm ready for commitments just yet.

It's just that, i'm busy. yeah, school ALWAYS makes me busy. I have this and that. This meeting that training. So then, i don't have the time to selit for anybody. Luckily Jay and Atie are Endangs, if not, i prolly won't have any time for them as well.

But, this few weeks, i've been trying to make time for friends which i havent been meeting up with. Yeah, i made time for Ridz and Nouru last week. and met Rieza for just half an hour after work. And this Sunday, i'm meeting up with Ridz and Nouru again for Escape.

So bits and pieces everywhere.

I dunno how if i'm gonna have a boyfriend. I'm not sure. I still want to enjoy and have fun and go out with anybody i like as and when i like without any rope pulling me back. Oh you know.. Stuff which some couples do. Report kluar dengan siape lah and stuff. i don't like that.

And, i like the attention that i'm getting. The chats with Iskandar. The sms-es with Abang Arman, Imran Chingx3, Rieza. The calls from Abang Omar.

Ok, so i admit most of them are guys. Lol. My only gfs are from Endangs. I just get along better with guys i guess. So maybe, a boyfriend would just slow me down. Right? haha.

but of course. the loneliness kills sometimes. ah but.. ahakz.

berkawan itu lebih mulia dari bercinta.

and maybe.its not about all this. and maybe its just me. and everything is just about that 3 letter and 4 letter word. no not love. mine has always been based on that 4 letter word. oh wells.

Abang Arman for tmr! love. Abang Omar for next week,

Updates.

i have 2 events to update about.

firstly, the meeting with the bitches. and as usual, Jal didnt turn up coz she had some last minute stuff to do at work. So it was left with me and the guys. Met Nouru at Harbourfront. So, then decided to kol Ridz up. The best part is, both of us had different numbers. So, while searching for Ridz' number, Ridz showed up from the back. ahha.

Went to Banquet to eat.

The we went to the bayside. And Wanny (Ridz) here decided to call his friend from PCG, and dey came over to our place. And Nouru was jumping up and down mcm kera kene belacan. LOL.

After that, while, we thought we were waiting for Jal, we went to Starbucks.

and then, we went Daiso.

we crapped the whole time!

for example:

Scenario 1.

Nouru: See lah, every Dragon year, Singaporeans will try to make as many babies as they can. And when its time for the Dragons to take O' Levels, its like, overcrowded. See lah.

(looking at me) YOUR KIND! haiiyaa

Me: My kind?

Ridz: Yeah of course YOU DRAGONS arh! WE RABBITS, don't do this kinda thing.

me: ......

Scenario 2.

Ridz: Sejuk sak.

Me: Aah sey.. Sejuk giler.

Nouru: Sejuk amat sungguh-sungguh!

Me: tu la. Sejuk teramat sangat!

Scenario 3.

Me: (laughing uncontrollably at Outram Park Mrt Stn)

Ridz: Dah la Dian. Stop it laah.

Nouru: Dian, besar kemaluan aku kalau kau mcm ni.

Me: (LAUGHS HARDER AND LOUDER)

tsktsk.

Hancurs! All Nouru's fault. =))

Okay that's done. Now, about the Anak Seni Comp.

click here: http://www.atieekqaah.blogspot.com/ for our kebelohans that day.




but anyways, the comp was ok. something different i guess. Hentam bocai punye. But i really liked Panjy's and Keris' performances. It was totally coool! Merak was cute. i've only got these pics coz my hp went flat before i can take like loadsa pics.




Merak nye Karut, Kak Erni and Juara, Kak Zila. huhu!

Dalam toilet Old Skool Ayer Rajah CC.

Yeah, so thats basically it lahh. ahakz.

Oh, and there was about yesterday. I'll blog about it some other time.

till then.

excitement.

and so ended class early today.

oh can't wait to go out with the bitches later! haven't met them for months and months and months! heh. nouru, wanny (wan ducky) and jelly. my secondary school best mates cum my bitches. bitch and bitch and bitch over a cup of mocha or maybe over tom yam noodle, about the past.

ohhh wheeee.

and camwhore is a must!

whooohoo!

and tomorrow is THE DAY. for the first time ever, in the history of Endang, and also my dikir barat profile, Dee will try out a new position. huhu! maseh awok. not percussion though. hehehhh!

tak sabar dong!!

stuff.

haha. i was like in the bus near my place, aksyen2 main rebana, hitting the beats on my knees when 2 guys came in with a MYK t-shirt. dengan cepatnye aku stop. ahhaha.

so anyways,

i've been feeling kinda, depressed. and i hate it when i have to face him. like, fuck lar. sometimes, he disgusts me. and he pisses me off like most of the time. sometimes, i would really want to put my ego high and just hate him wif all my heart.

but of course,

its hard when he's been part of me for like, months and i've known him for years. and not when the heart and the brain are being total bitches for making me think about the memories with him. assholes.


bus 506 has loadsa memories coz it will then lead me to his house's bus stop, where, he would send me off.
so does 67 which we'd always take from tamp interchange to his house.

haiz. forget it. it's over and i'm moving on.

jasman!!!

yesterday night i was webcam-ing with JAS giler. haha. fun sey. and atie said, habes ah dah stuck. and i was like, stuck to Jas? haha. den she said, noo. stuck to webcam-ing.

ahaha. i took print screens. and yes, Jas is deprived as a kid. =)

Jas the musician.

The softer side. Awwww. How often can this happen? Hahaha.

Jas the terrorist. Sheesh, have the ICA not taught u well enough? HAHAHA.

Hahaha. so yeah. that was last night chat wif Jas the M&M. Now you see him now you don't. =) M&M kan? haha. or issit oreo? no, oreo twist link and dunk. ahh. no. M&M melts in your mouth not in your hands. ah tak tau lah.

last weekend went to work. mcm best pulak after so long tak keje. and this morning wake up, i thought i was going to work. haa! mcm paham. gi skola lah ok!

haiz. kat skola pun. malas nye. mata ngantok.

blaargh.

apology

twice. i felt the guilt. once for her, once for me.

i'm sorry jay..

i'm sorry mom and dad.

it was only this once that i skipped school for this week. on a module which i've been looking to all month round. haiz. felt stupid for skipping school. haiz. especially now seeing that she landed herself in trouble. haiz.

i promise i will try to keep myself in school and no more cabuting from classes.

i'm sorry.

areunion

i'm sure girl is happy today. because girl met boy. and spent almost the whole day with boy. and i'm happy that girl is happy. =)

so, anyways, training and after training was fun. ok la, actually training was okay ar. just like that but guess what?

ABANG ZOUL FAV KITORG DATANG!

khekhe. so, yeah, then after training, all 10 of us went out.

the girls - me, atie, yayan, liyana and najiha.

the guys - nizam, adi, hairil, zoul and fai.

and, abang zoul favourite kitorg belanja-ed all of us Pizza Hut lah eh! syiokness or waaad? hahaha. how cool was that? and after all that, went to lepak at titanic. but then, i had to go off coz the mum wanted to go to jb.

but, like, it was sooo fun. we laughed a lot. it was great to have that kind of atmosphere again. mcm, we can only have these kinda things when Zoul is around seh. if not, everybody would like, mind their own business. Thanks ah Zoul!

So, pics!

so that ended the day. =)

HAPPY LAH OK

aku happy giler lah sey nari! hehe!

first, nari finally jumpe abang Arman! even though he was about 45 mins late. nyahha. but, ok lah, he got back from work at Loyang and then went to meet me at Vivo and he has class at NAFA at 5pm.

He came with the tickets, den I bought the drinks and food, and we went in to watch Charlie Bartlett, which was cool and funny. and he bought 2 Milky Way chocolates with extra caramel for the both of us! ahaha. heh.. then after the movie ended ard 4.35, den he said he'll send me back home first before he goes to class.

then i was like, ...

then he asked, "naek motor ok?"

then, sudden thought came to mind. that time i tumpang-ed Amat Khayrul from Vivo carpark has became a phobia. so, then, i was afraid that the same thing would happen again. and lagi2, i was wearing a skirt lah eh. but then, as we walked to the carpark, it turned out that actually, the 'bike' was actually a car la eh. sheeesh! like thanks ah eh.

heez. then he sent me home. =) and, of course, he was late for class.

HAPPY LAH OK.

secondly,

when i reached home, like, actually outside coz i don't have the keys, i switched on my lappy and there, i can connect to a network. skali, when my parents reached home, aha.. it was actually from my own network. like, they've already installed a router at home, so YAAAA. now i can be online every day and every night.

WOOHHOOO.

and,

thirdly, i mean, i know i was grumbling about it ah but then, I HAVE CLASS TMR! yaahoo. I'll be taking Network Infra-structure tmr. A brand new module for me. And then, on Friday, i'll have Network security. That is so gonna be fun. Better than taking business modules sia. cool2.

oh i so love today~

and, plusss, he says that we might go out again on friday. =))) ohh happy sungguh.

so i was brash. i just acted on anger and disappointment. but it turned out to be different. i enjoyed his company and i was happy, like finally in a date. =) i felt honest and sincere about it. =)

oh you just melt me...

gone case

i wish he would do what he says he would do.

but too bad, i know him well enough. he's fickleminded. he can never do what he would say he would. i would be damn glad if he would do what he said just now. at least i won't see him anymore. but then again, yeah, he said it was just a joke. oh what the hell.

i did what he didnt like me to do. i smoked in front of him. with adi and the rest. i can't be bothered anymore. why should i hide just to smoke? to please him? hah. i can't be bothered anymore. there's no link between us so, i can do as i please.

NYAH.

whatever lar. fed up already.

that day i just blasted to Aky about him and HE was getting on my nerves. Gosh, and i felt so stupid for being crazily in love with him. AAARGH. So i complained and complained and complained. Mampos ah. I'm glad that it's over and i'm happy now that i am single and can mingle. huhu.

oh anihoos malas nak bebual about him.

i am so bored right now. my fyp ended like, after 1 1/2 hrs and it's only 11.23. AARGH. I so do not want to go home. But of course, the Starhub cable man is gonna come and install the router at home. Like, finally i'll internet at home la.

But then again, i don't wanna go home! it's too early. ishk. sape nak kluar ngan aku nie?? effingly bored. ouhh bloggie, if u're a guy i'd marry you already. you're like, the best place to pour the feelings of the heart.

alahh sayang, intan payung, emas, berliaaan.....

ok. crap.

takde maknenye semua ni.
takde arah tujuan hari ini.
macam ajer aku ni
nak pegi membawa diri.

MAMPOS.

NANTI NAK DATE NGAN ABANG ARMAN! =)

back to school

I won't want to bore anyone with tales of the first day of school.

But, just, the fact that, it's been sucha long time since i last went to class. Maybe 7 months ar. and this post, is about the memories and events that happend during the 7 months that i've been away from school, which most of the time, i've been at work.

and that's the post for today!

(abang zaid in blue)

abang man and abang zaid. my 2 favourite abangs at work. oh well, they're not around at work anymore. both of them pun resigned already. abang man went to Rhino Tours, and Abang Zaid has become a technician.

it's so boring without them around. Like as if losing my pantats was not bad enuff.

i miss AZIZ!! all the fun times we had last time. laming around. huhu.

This was during the CNY Period. haha. our kegilaan. minum teh power. =))

kekentalan dee and hilmi bile naek abang man nye rhino bus. =) jakon lah katekan.

haiz. gone case la. all those times can only be experienced time weekend. and haizz. aku rase aku pun boleh jumpe si detu weekend jer.

ABANG ARMAAAAANNNN! where're you laaa? i miss you gile rabak. abeh i mimpi about him last nite. =))

moving too fast

gosh, my life is a whirlwind.

i think that i'm moving way too fast, starting school in like, 3 days. ok, 2 days in fact. new class, new people, new modules. haiz.

yesterday, i met with my troubled niece. and i realised that we have so many in common. and well, i adviced her, though i thought i wasn't fit to even advice her coz i'm not perfect myself. she's 14 btw, adolescent i suppose. but, well, i guess, i've gone through a lot in life, so, i should, and might as well advice her. hah. and a lot of secrets were revealed. heh.

oh so, Aky asked me if i wanted to join him for a project. huhu. NAAAAK. But, i dunno if i'm qualified enough. Stakat awok2 and tulis lyric okeh ah. Buat lagu? JANGAN HARAP. Beats? MAMPOS. hahaha. but we'll see how.

Okay,

Recently, me and a friend at work were talking about how, people in sentosa have scandals and stuff. yeh, well.. i feel so sinful that i have this uber crush on a married man. nyahhhh. crappy kan. oh well.. maybe, because, he looks a lil bit like abang arman, which i have a crush since forever.

so abang arman looks geeky in this pic. but, haha. i love geeks, rmb. ok corny. haha.

but then, haiz.. i dunno lah eh. this married man, is of course, songsang jugak. huhu. but, oh well. i dunno lah. maybe just a passing infatuation i guess. just go with the flow jer walaupun today i was supposed to meet him to drink. but, none of us contacted each other so, haha. buat bodoh jer la. besok pun jumpe jugak wad at work.

But the one i reaaaally want is the guy in the pic there. aaaaargh. that selambarish face and that cool aura surrounding him just melts me. huuuu.

ok blah3...

so, the ex-bf found out that i am smoking again. heck la.. it shouldn't be any of his concern. since, he moved on, i should move on too and, I ALREADY HAVE. it's just that incident about the chalet which pissed me off and made me realise things, which i should have realise a long time ago. ah well.. the past is the past and i shouldnt be dwelling in it anymore.

i want a MAN. a MAN i say. not a BOY.
HE is a Man. But HE is married. ouhh geee.
but the other MAN, who's melting my heart, arrh.. where is he..?