the never ending.

Yesterday morning i woke up with a heavy heart.

It's like as if my heart has been drowning in tears the previous night. I could feel it bleed. Horrible feeling. Throughout the day yesterday, at work, i wanted to cry so bad. and i sung to myself this song..

"tiada bidadari.. tiada pari-pari..
tiada seranum bunga menghurai ke bumi..
hanya dengan anyaman kasih sejati
di bina mahligai seindah syurgawi.."

and i teared. my heart cried. he sang that song to me one night and i cried as well. (yes, atie.. that's why i didnt want you to sing that song..) the song which never failed to make me cry.

last night, i had a long conversation with Abang Zaid at work. He told me to be positive. He told me that boncet and me would be back together again. but i just don't know why i'm feeling this way. my lost in faith and the faith in fate.

i used to be someone who puts her 100% faith in fate. And everything that's happened or going to happen, i would say, "That's fate.." But this time round, i don't know why i don't have trust in fate.

Maybe, it's the fact that this is the 3rd time we broke up. And, i'm just scared. The turmoil inside is unbearable. I nearly wanted to fall and breakdown at work. But, i couldn't. Not for the 3rd time as well.

And these few days, i can feel the change.

It's confusing me. One day, his actions surprised me, and i thought, why can't we just be this way? Why can't we stick to the way we were?

And the next day, he changed.

Abang Zaid said, i changed this week too. He said, i'm no longer the jovial and pampered person that i was. He said, my eyes gave away my feelings and there's too much sadness in my eyes.

I can't help it. I don't want to feel this way. I'm not trying to show what i'm feeling but like he said, my eyes show them.

Just the other day,

I was at my primary school best friend's place. She came back for holiday from Australia. And we talked for hours and hours and we talked about dating, boys and all girls stuff. and when she talked about dating, suddenly it gave me the shudders that i'm scared to date again. i can't imagine dating again.

(ouh.. just for the record, she has her own HOME THEATRE. like, LITERALLY. just imagine, a small room, with huge flat screen tv, 2 couches, surround sound, theatre curtains and a smaller room of collection of dvds. plus, dimlights like in the movies. HOW COOL IS THAT?!! And i, had the previlege to watch at THAT home theatre. And not to mention, her cat, Chloe, was super manje and her cat,made me overcome my fear and, i'm not scared of cats anymore!)

DILEMMA.

i really wanna cry really bad.

my birthday's like in 2 days and i'm so not looking forward to it. What's the point of having the birthday if i'm upset and really sad and all alone..

Dear God, grant me my wish...

whatevers

i wanted to cry when i read aky's post to his gf.
34th month anniversary pe. stay happy together alright aky and anisah. =)
best wishes you two.

and as for me, non stop tears each night. i can't believe that the day that i've been afraid of for so long has finally come. it's a nightmare. depressed over and over again. scared, time and time again.

tell me, what should i do to calm myself down. i don't wanna get over him. and that promise, i hope he keeps. i'm scared to go through the period again. that 4 months worth of wait, pain, hurt and sheer agony.

dear God, guide me through this period of my life.

let's just forget about this.

last saturday,went to work. and in the morning, abang madi, my ranger uncle, came over to talk to me and he said..

"rin.. budak ni nak kenal2 dgn kau."

and the new ranger guy was freaking embarrased. haha.. then at night, went to sit in the ranger truck then skali, Khai, Mansor and Hazri came.

and we went puffing at the corner of Beach Station. and Khai nye giler. keep singing and singing abeh i went on to 2nd fag and Hazri was like, eh... 2nd? and i was like stress la..
he asked, kenape eh?

and i was like, ditinggalkan kekasih.

and Khai, sang...

"KEKASIHHH TULIS NAMAKU DI DALAM DIARI HATIMU.."

and then...

"USAH BIARKU BERSENDIRIAAAAAN. USAH BIAR HATIMU DITAWAAAAN"

sial nye Khai.. ku dah sedih lagi nyanyi lagu gitu.

haiiz. but at least, heh.... =)

restlessness

Dear God,

please let me go through this process as painlessly as possible. it's so difficult to move on from here. just guide me out of this. i'm scared. i'm worried. so many things running through my mind. so many feelings in this heart. we promised, its for the better. maybe i can't see it now but i know i will soon.

dee.

my friend got herself twins. boy am i happy for her or what. i'm certainly glad that i was one of those who told her to keep the baby and now, they're babies! Babies are a bundle of joy really. well, i can't wait to have one of my own. hah.. dream on lah dee. your own financial sucks to the core and u wanna have a baby. geeeez.

its okay.. i have loads of babies around me. like my favourite..

huhu. my baby azakhir. my becokness baby.

haaiiiiizz.

stop the tears pleaaaasssee.

about 14th November

yesterday was utter disaster.

was out the whole day. initially the planned was to go to fyp but then, yayan called me up and asked what time will i be reaching her house. and since i promised her mum to help wif the sewing of costumes, i should go uh.. so then, i was already at woodlands then peng-ed to 168 to Bedok.

then, slacked a while then asked her mum what to do. and the mum said she'll teach me how to claim the pants. then, she said to yayan to buy some food. and yayan malas. haha. and in the end, me, Yayan and Cik Aini (her mum) ended up taking the cab to Century Square and had lunch at Food Culture.

and i thought we were just supposed to have lunch and go back. but, we went window shopping all around Century Square and saw Yayan's cousin Abang Herman. Then went around Tampines Mall and then saw Abu Zar. Then we were supposed to be on the way back but, we went to Yayan's grandma's place, also Budiman's mum's place.

anddddd.. the baby was dammmnn cute la. Her name is Marsha. =) She's hot! haha

ok then, reached back to their place. then, Hairil, Zoul and Nafis came over to have a look at the costumes. Then took cab to training.

AAANDDD, BLOODY MANGKUK.

Start training, i wanted to sedak my rebana and Nafis said no need. Use Hairil's rebana. And then, while i was using Hairil's rebana, Hairil sedak my rebana, sekali KOYAAAAKKK!

argh fed up siak. gasak kau lah hairil. mungkin pada kau rebana koyak takde pape ah. siak uh, ni rebana first aku sia.

whatever lar. dah tak kuase lar. bende dah terjadi nak buat macam mane.

that aside..

i'm single again. yeah. dun ask why. i think we're better off being friends. my mum was right. u can't put 2 hotheads together.

so i guess this is goodbye then.

ARRRGGHH

PFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTT!!!!!

FUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK LAAAAAHHH!!!

PEAVEY'S GONNEEE!

URGGGHHHHH!!!

i'm like so fuckingly not in the mood sia training. kalau aku tau tadi, aku sendiri siakk sedak! arrgghhhh.

fuckkkkfuckkkfuckk

long post ahead.

the other day, someone cried because she couldn't handle the pressure and stress of the expectations that people had of her.

and, i saw myself in her.

over and over again, people have been expecting my service. everywhere. i broke down time and time again.

they need me in dikir.
they need me at work.
they fuckingly need me in fyp.
and,
i'm very very much needed at home.

honestly, till now, i have no idea how to handle all these. if i focus on one, the other 3 suffer. so, yeah. and the only thing i can do is to take a day at a time. and the best thing that i let myself do to me, is to have a mental block.

i don't know how i do it. whatever things that stresses me up, i'd block it from my mind and not think about it until it's needed and then, i will stress myself up wif the stress.

and the other best thing that my dad taught me was to never mix and match everything up. he said,

"problems at work, are problems at work. problems at home, are problems at home. you cannot bring problems at work to home, coz then people at home will be affected. vice versa."

as shown to that girl, the handphone, the key and wallet analogy.

chin up, aight kiddo. it's just part of being in poly life, which will prepare you for your working life. and please try to control the mood swings of yours. let you control it, not it control you, after all, you're the human, IT is just feelings.

the holidays ain't holidays at all.

Monday had FYP and Endang training for the next day show.
Tuesday had Show at Bukit Timah Primary then went home, changed and went out wif the family coz it was my brother's bday.
Wednesday, supposed to have FYP but overslept. went to Endang Khatulistiwa training.
Thursday worked at 10-5 then rushed to Bob's place at Tamp for KCC Show training.

Today supposed to go bf's place but he had to help Bob to carry the chairs for KCC Hari Raya show tmr. Going back in a while, watch Hikmah 3 then out again at 6.

life is a whirlwind. how do i slow it down? tell me. in one day, i've to rush in and out in and out. haiz..

but at least, this past week, i managed to spend time with my family. and i really2 miss my brother.



NIE BAPOK SUNDAL KU!

huhu. i'm done. go home and watch HIKMAH 3!

=)

crazy days

4th November 2007

i'm burnt.
i'm drained.
i'm fucking exhausted.

my arms have 2 colours.
my whole body ithes like heck.
my pinggang hurts gile babi.
my calves are aching like mad
my feet's gone case.

as like every year for Singapore Open, i'd be effing shagged the last day. but this year, there were differences. Lots and lots of differences. Major differences this time round.

Well, initially, i was told that i wasn't involved in Singapore Open this year. That, coming from a driver instead of any of my supervisors. And i wasn't the only one who isn't involved. ALL my colleagues weren't involved. So i was thinking, what the hell. My chinese supervisor (i've 3 supervisors. 1 chinese, 1 indian, 1 malay), hired new people to work for the Open and didn't want any of us, the usual bunch, to work for the open.

It wasn't fair to us AT ALL. ALL of us were looking forward to the Open for months and then, we're not involved. What siaa... I called my malay supervisor and asked how come. and she said, even she, wasn't involved too until the manager fucked the chinese supervisor to include her.

and, i was surprised that my colleague, who is the EO's son, wasn't involved too. LIKE HELLO, ME AND HIM ARE THE SENIOREST BATCH! HOW COULD HE LEAVE US OUT?

So what the hell. The first day of the Open, at about 6 plus, my malay supervisor called me up if i could work for the Open and i said of course. So, i suspected something wrong.

And true enuff, first day was haywire.

and they had to call me and the EO's son back. Heh.

so, the saga continued for the 3 days. the Chinese supervisor is the No.1 Hated Guy on the everyone's list. So many things happened these 3 days that i've worked.

Like how, for the first time in the 3 years that i've worked for Singapore Open, i wasn't stationed at the Main Clubhouse. So, i didnt get to meet my favourite golfers like Mr Chris Rodgers and Mr Gerry Norquist and Mr Chan Song. I was stationed there on the 3rd day when i was training the new girl. And the Clubhouse people were so happy that i was there. But it didnt last long. So anyway, i checked the tee-off times for the day. Chris and Mr Norquist were out. Chan didn't participate this year. Still, i saw lots of familiar faces, and apparently, some of them remembered me.

Oh, and so.. i was at the Main Entrance roundabout most of the time. And, haha.. there was this cute cute security guy at the Main Entrance. Tall and botak. Saw him all 3 days.

But the best part of today was..

Today's my Ranger Uncle's morning shift. And that means, Abang Rafi, Abang Khairul and Abang Hazri are working. Huhu.. I saw Abang Rafi like loadsa time. Then saw Abang Hazri wif him. Then, there was once Abang Rafi stopped over and talked to me. He said, "you dah minum? nak beli air tak? you dah makan?"
read: you drink already? want to buy water? you eat already?

typical abang rafi. ahha.

den we talked for a while den i asked him. "abang khairul mane? satu hari tak nampak dia.."
read: where's abang khairul? haven't seen him the whole day..
den he said, "dia kat post. kenape? rindu die ehk?"
read: he's at post. why? miss him eh?

wahlao. takder la. just that i havent been working then i havent seen him around for so long also.

anddddd.. here comes the best part..

i was going to 7-11 wif Salina, and we saw Abang Khairul! hahaha.. den saw Abang Rafi. Den Abang Rafi said, "tu Khairul kat depan. Gi la bebual dengan dia"
read: there Khairul in front. Go and talk to him la.
i was like. "sshhhh. tknk larr."
read: dun want arr
den.. abang Rafi went to Abang Khairul and said something and Abang Khairul looked at me and said,

"Eh, tadi kau carik aku eh?"
read: eh just now u finding for me eh?

wtffff. carik or wad. gee..

but. =)

my brother took off to Thailand this morning for his NCC thingy. I teared ok. He's off to Thailand and i couldn't send him off to the airport coz i had to work. haiz.. 9 days wifout my brother, my best friend, my bastard. i hope he takes care of himself. Haizz..

ahh anyway, i miss the boyfriend a lot. Met him last on Wednesday after dikir training. tu pun skejap jer. haiz.. i tot i could meet him on Friday but they changed the venue to Bukit Panjang. and the worse part was,

it was at his EX-GIRLFRIEND'S UNCLE'S HOUSE.

what the hell. it was fucking akward and uncomfortable lah ok. i've got nothing against her lah but it just felt uncomfortable when the mum asked about him. Coz her mum wanted them to be together so badly. she was like, 'Mane Annuar? Tak datang ke?'
read: where's annuar? he's not coming?

then the guys told her that he had rehearsals at the CC. and si polan nie pulak looked at me and asked,

"Dee asal kau senyum2 ni?"
read: Dee, why're u smiling?

GEE. I know what the heck is going on ok. Apparent her mum still hopes that they're together and still looks for him.

and i was talking to him the same night and he said that the mum msged him and asked him why he didnt come. and i said to him lah it was uncomfortable and awkward for me that time. and i said i don't know why i felt that way. and he guessed right actually about the awkward feeling.

it's the fact that i was at the house of the ex-girlfriend who's mum seems to be wanting them back together and having the mum there was uncomfy. i'm ok with the ex-gf. really. just, the mum i guess.

haizz.. crazy week i've had. crazier week ahead. haiz.

cheebayleestress.

i've been fucking stressed up. with so many things. so little time.

and i thought work would be the last thing which would stress me up but apparently, it's still stressing me up. and i was so confident that i would get selected for the Singapore Open thing but i wasn't. it wasnt until i made a fuss about it and cik Jamilah talked to the manager about it and i managed to work for it.

work, one thing.

dk another. that's the biggest stress right now. i think only Ain knows how stressed i am. and i definitely noe how stressed she is. haiz.. entah lah.. somemore ader odyssey, even though i'm not involved, it's definitely putting stress on me. and to add on, Khatulistiwa, dah ler tak main awok. stress siak.

and fyp. pp. school.

django? ajax? ah buto la. pp due at 2359 hrs tonight. i havent do my rework. pp evaluation next week. ah fuck lah. i'm just gonna have to take it next year then. i'm repeating year 3 anyways. i havent been going to class. mampos lah. school is something which i'm totally giving up sia. i've tried. i can't continue seh. haizz. dunno la.

family.

my mum is so gonna merajuk if i dun go for the Indonesia trip coz it's her wedding anniversary on 20th Dec which is like, 2 fucking days before Khatulistiwa. and apparently, she's like not understanding it. and she says i've no time for family already, which is kinda true. but, siakkk uhh.. it's not that i don't want seh. i've got other commitments. PLUS, kalau this comp aku main awok takper sakz. URGGGHH.

oh my dearest cousin, i'm definitely not stressed about relationship. it's going on pretty well, actually. we're bof stressed about things but not each other. okay, maybe he's stressed wif me if i don't get my beats right. haha. but, other than that, we're pretty ok lah.

only, i just hope what she said during our training affect him lar.