some unsettled feelings.

i'm not sure if anyone has heard of this.
but, people say..
the longer you are with your partner, the more you two will look like each other.



don't know what to make out of it.
similar, no?

i am hating myself a lot for a lot of things which i've been doing to him.

i've been a total nuisance.
say mean things which i will later regret.
and him, being the lovable being that he is,
will always take the blame in the end,
so that i will shut up/stop crying and end the argument.

after everything's fine,
and when i think back.
it's all baseless arguments which can be avoided
but noooo, i insisted it to go on.

i can never get it in my thick skull,
that he's trying his hardest to change, for my sake, for my happiness.
but all i'm giving him is shit after shit.
and not making it any easier for him.

what the bloody fuck do i want more??!!!

haiz.
it hurts me a lot to see him trying to change,
trying his very hardest to give in.
or just be as sweet as he can.

and it hurts me more,
when i'm hurting him.
like when i scratched his arm till it bled.
or when, i don't trust him enough.
or the things which i'm doing to him now.

and he's right to think.
how am i going to survive if he's not around?
and the answer is never.
i cannot survive without him being around.

if he's not going to be around,
let it be that death do us part in a very old ripe age.
i don't know how i'll face every single day,
without him in my life.

i can barely smile or hold my tears when a night goes by
without his voice being the last that i hear before i go to sleep.
like as if a part of me is missing and being ripped off.
it's a horrible and miserable feeling.

i still don't know what i want from him.

my colleague farinah said,

love someone who loves you to death.

he loves me to death,
i'm the one who is doubting him.
but deep inside, i know there is no one who can love me like he does.
and i love him beyond any words can explain.

i know, he thinks i don't trust him.
but as a matter of fact, i do.
i trust, that he wont do things which will ever hurt me.
i trust, that he will love me unconditionally.
i trust, that i am the only that he loves.
and,
i trust him, with my life.

haiz, maybe i'm just being too hard on him.
what can i do to just, be a better me?
and a better girlfriend to him?

:(

i love him so much.
it's, unexplainable.

it's just so tiring.

I swear, my feelings are numb right now.
I dont feel sad, angry or whatever.

i'm just tired of the feelings.

i've given up in hoping for a change.
I've given up, hoping to be surprised.

i just want to be far far away.
Just wanna be alone.
without anyone in it.
at least for a while.

I'm doing everyone a favour.
Especially you.
So that i wont be a nuisance to everyone.

i'm just so tired to think, to even say anything.
i'm even more tired to cry.
i don't have that much strength in me to keep on fighting.
fighting, for the things that i want.

i just cannot do anything right anymore, can i?

Friggin Long Post. My January.

i'm in serious need of blogging. it's been sucha long time.

first up, 17th January 2010.
went out with babylove, Yaty and Akie and had lunch at Miramar.
Superb i tell you!







and the people, were great companies of course.




so first, we were having lunch at Miramar.
then, we walked up to Clarke Quay.




then towards City Hall, we stopped by Central Fire Station for the Heritage Gallery.





then went towards suntec city.








then yaty and akie had to go coz yaty had her part time work.
so me and babylove went to watch THE SPY NEXT DOOR. :)



oh i just find that this pic is so adorable finally.



and the day ended by him sending me back home, and my parents sending him back home.
HAHA.




okay next, GIRLFRIENDS MEET UP on the 20th January!!!




and the next day, ibu's birthday!
had dinner at the Hawa Restaurant somewhere Mackenzie Road.







the next day, met up with Yaty and her friend Ain!









last monday, on the 25th January, met up with babylove after school.
had late lunch at QIJI at Funan. :)






den went out to watch Tooth Fairy at Marina Square. :)



and then babylove sent me home. so sweeeeet of him. :)

LASTLY: 27th January.
Went out shooting with the class at Fort Canning.
gazillion pics but i'll publish a few only. haha..






and then chilled at Starbucks Plaza Singapura.
then, BABYLove came!
with his friend Alvin.

and we went to watch DAYBREAKER!



so after that, Alvin left.

and i was still hyperactive and wanted to walk.
So, we walked to Fort Canning again.




and walked to Esplanade, and we took 97 back to Jurong East.
he took 51, i took 334. :)

and that was that. =)

ps, i love you.

i hope this boy



knows:
how crazy i am about him.
how madly in love i am with him.
how he changed my life in many ways.
how happy i am when i'm with him.

and a whole lot of other happy things.

although it has been a roller coaster ride for the both of us,
i still love you the same.
more, even.

it's just.. unexplainable.
:)

mistakes and limit.

sometimes, when i think about things,
i don't know how long i can endure.
at times, i think it has reached the limit.

but most times, i tend to ignore it,
and continue my life with new sets of limit.

still, it all comes snowballing into one.

i'm sick and tired of it.
but i'm not ready to give it all up.

sometimes, i'm exhausted of trying,
exhausted of a one-sided understanding.
exhausted of being the one who has to understand.
exhausted of being misunderstood.

exhausted of every single thing.

am i the only one, who's trying to make things better?

when trust is being brought up,
everyone should know.

trust is earned, not given.
and when trust is broken, its very difficult to restore.

i don't know anymore.
i really don't.
and i wonder, who am i to you?

a friend, or a foe?
a present, or a mistake?
the past, or the present?

if there were things which i could allow myself to say,
i'd never stop saying it so that you can understand.
but i couldn't bring myself to.
i just couldn't.

if i could bring myself to be mean,
i'd do a million things.
but, i'm not.
i don't have the heart to.

every word i say is true.
and i have not lied about a single thing.
it hurts to know you think i did.
am i that bad a person?

dear God,
all i can do is just cry.
i have no more strength in me to fight this.
no way, to think that i'm strong for the kind of challenges you're giving me.

i don't know what else to do.
i wish i could just vanish, disappear or whatever.

i'm just, not strong enough.

TRUEEEEE!

READ THIS!!!

What Are The Keys To Your Heart? and got the result: Your Heart Takes Love Lightly

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free *(that is sounds sooo like bb..) In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime (this is so untrue) You're feeling self centered.

its so so so true!
:)

met babylove yesterday.
and of course, i wasn't being very understanding at the fact that he wasn't feeling very well.

met at dhoby ghaut and watched Alvin and The Chipmunks 2 at Iluma Bugis.
then went by hougang.

and finaaaaally.. :)

iloveitbaby!
iloveyou.iloveyou.iloveyou.iloveyou.

and i wonder..
why is it never enough for me..

feeling your hugs and your kisses..
i just feel like i'm dreaming..
whether all of it was true..
and i realise,
that i never wanna leave your arms.

no matter how difficult things can get,
i will still remain by your side.

no matter how you push me away,
i will still be near to you.

i♥you
happy10months.

whoots!

I LOVE JAY!

okay well.. more to her blog song.
i've been searching for this song for nuts eversince i heard it on the American Top 40.
but i only know the tune, no key word and dont know who the singer is.

while bloghopping,
FOUND IT!!

thanks jay!!



lyrics

I got your emails
You just don't get females
Now, do you?
What's in the heart
Is not on your head
Anywhere

Mate, you're too late
And your weren't worth the wait
Now, were you?
It's out of my hands
Since you blew your last chance
When you played me

You'll have to cry me out
You'll have to cry me out
The tears that I'll fall
Mean nothing at all
It's time to get over yourself

Baby, you ain't all that
Maybe, there's no way back
You can keep talking
But, baby, I'm walking away

When I found out
How you messed me about
I was broken
Back then I believed you
Now, I don't need you
No more

The pick on your phone
Proves you weren't alone
She was with you, yeah
Now, I couldn't care
That you weren't aware
We're through

You'll have to cry me out
You'll have to cry me out
The tears that I'll fall
Mean nothing at all
It's time to get over yourself

Baby, you ain't all that
Maybe, there's no way back
You can keep talking
But, baby, I'm walking away

Gonna have to cry me out
Gonna have to cry me out
Boy, there ain't no doubt
Gonna have to cry me out

Won't hurt a little bit
Boy, better get used to it
You can keep talking
But, baby, I'm walking away

Listen, I got the emails
I got the text
The answer's still the same
It's the way it is
I got to go

You'll have to cry me out
You'll have to cry me out
The tears that I'll fall
Mean nothing at all
It's time to get over yourself

Baby, you ain't all that
Maybe, there's no way back
You can keep talking
But, baby, I'm walking away

You'll have to cry me out
You'll have to cry me out
The tears that I'll fall
Mean nothing at all
It's time to get over yourself

'Cause baby, you ain't all that
Maybe, there's no way back
You can keep talking
But, baby, I'm walking away


and i find the song rather relevant after reading the lyrics.
parts of the song, that is.

coz i still believe you
coz i still need you
coz i'm definitely not walking away.

ijustwannabeinyourarmsrightnow