love.

in january 2007, i wrote this.

"someone who can change me.
someone who can change my perspectives.
someone who can guide me in my life.
someone who can make me respect them.
someone who can always prove me wrong.
someone who can shut my ego up.
someone who can understand how busy i am.
someone who can make me have the time for them no matter how busy i am.
someone who is strong-willed enough to tolerate me.
and for once,
someone who respects me and my decisions.

i know it's hard to get that someone.

but i do know, there will be someone out there for me. but i guess, maybe not now. in the future. yes, hopefully."


i've found that perfect being.. =)

i love you Muhammad Hafiz.

missing you. too much.

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the last time we met was last tuesday. =(
the next time i'm meeting him, is a question mark.
haiz. hate fulltime job.

miss you so much baby.

HAPPY. =)

i'm loving my life. =)
really.



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can't wait to have a hotdate with love tmr!
we're watching F1! whooootsss!!
thanks to Ayah again, we get to watch it this year too.

pay's out. gaji bomb!
SHOPPING!! spent $120 in less than 2 hours. =)
more shopping tmr, i'm making him pick which perfume he wants me to use.
gotta feeling he'll choose Escada.
howells.. he's got good taste in perfumes.

happyyyyy!

:)
didn't i say,
i'm loving my life.

=)

yellow ribbon? no way.

SO SHE DOES READ MY BLOG! I'M OVERJOYED!

yes, i know gila batang.
yes, i'm not decent, never said i was.
but at least i know what's right and what's wrong,
and DON'T HURT MY FAMILY with the things i do.

second chances are for those who are clearly repentant.
but you're not.

really? u tripped?
and what does this say?

http://sugarmylips.blogspot.com/2010/08/schizo-no-way.html?zx=f912143e202d8325

tripped eh?
kid, you're like a SINNER PRETENDING TO BE SAINT.
and that's a draft?
another cover up?

tell me, how to trust a person like you?
trust is earned by actions and not gained by words.

there's a lot of things which i'm not saying anymore.

clearly, you're still not changed.
and you're blaming others for not getting the attention.
hah.. you're such a big joke.
a pretender.
enough of your cover-ups lah kid.
ever heard of the kid who cried wolf?
you're like that kid.

you've too much anger issues, kid. go for counselling.
don't expect us to open up OUR hearts. YOU do that.

people can see when you're clearly sincere and when you're not.
oh well. who're you again?
coz the last time i checked, i don't have a cousin like that.

yes, i'm the second in the family who's not gonna acknowledge you as a relative.

so goodbye.

p/s: i learnt gila batang from my dad. he called you that. :)

pychopath

all i can say is,

"hopefully Allah will give you the retribution you deserve for all the heartaches and pain you have caused to your family and relatives. if you think that you are great by looking down on people, obviously you have forgotten that there is someone who is greater than you, and that is Allah. Allah can make you near-perfect. Allah can also make you handicap. If you are falsifying a story, Allah will shed the light one day. whatever you're doing right now, don't think that no one knows. Allah does. Hopefully one day, Allah will give you a lesson you will never forget, Insya Allah. Allahu Akbar!"

don't think i don't read that slutty blogpost of yours.

you're definitely proud of your boyfriend eh? LOL. pls get married quickly and stop creating problems for us all. please.
it's the same thing over and over again when you have a new boyfriend.
kid, deal with your life first, THEN TALK ABOUT OTHERS.

need i remind you, that you're doing the same thing that you're doing to us like that psychopath?
that you're staining your own relationship with your relatives, not the guy?
did we not advise you? but no, we were outcasted coz you loved that guy so much.
and now, you're doing it again?

coz kau dah gila batang!
you're always siding with the guy instead of your own family members.

let's see how long you stay with this guy.
the guy who breaks faces eh?
let's see if this guy who breaks faces can support you in life eh.

the guy who breaks eggs that you're talking about,
is doing it for OUR future.
so, what does your face-breaking guy do?
break face and end up in jail?

and,
STOP SEEKING ATTENTION ALREADY! WE'RE NOT GIVING YOU ANY OKAY.

what is your problem, crazy woman?
do you not see what you have done in the past?

Repent. please.

may i point out to you, the reason why your sister is not talking to you?

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU THREATENED YOUR SISTER WITH A KNIFE! THAT'S WHY.

mintak maaf time raye pon because you're forced to.
and what did you say, org tak buat salah nak mintak maaf buat ape?

does that sound remorseful to you?

ishk, seriously i thought you'd change after your abortion.
apparently you're still the same.
geez.

cakap tak guna tembak tak kene.

i leave it to the hands of ALLAH.
He knows best.

such as.. working shift.

shift work is super tiring.
my friend said in her status,

"it's either aku kluar rumah pagi2 buta, atau aku balek rumah mlm2 buta"

true.
morning shift with ot starts at 4.45 am.
if not 6.45 am.

afternoon shift starts at 3.30pm.
ends at 1230 am.
in my case most of the time, 1am coz i usually man the last train.

but my team is great now.
i love em! except of course, they know who.
i have the bestest senior in Iqbal and Asmah.
i have the greatest guys in my team. :)

buttttt....
i have not met my boyfriend for a week.
and we're only meeting like, once or twice (max) a week.
it's annoying.

i wish i can spend more time with him like i used to last time.
haiz..
and the fact that, we don't have alone time pisses me off at times.

haiz. i miss those carefree times.



and never once did he ever let go.
ily..

what say i? it's been 2 mths!

i havent been blogging. it's been 2months.
if only iphone has an app for blogger, wouldn't it be great?
then i don't have to rely on my laptop to update my almost non-existent blog.

eh, did i not mention that i'm working with SMRT?
yeah, finally achieved my ambition eh.
but i don't drive the train. i just man the train, in case of any emergencies.

it's tough and tiring, physically.
oh well. good things don't come in easy, so let's not dwell over it.
work hard now, for a better future?
who knows, when stage 4 and 5 of CCL opens, i get to be at the passenger svc.
and i don't have to stand in the train anymore!

that's more like it for a career.

shift work is notoriously energy draining.
i don't have time for anyone.
not me, not my boyfriend, not friends.

afternoon shift starts at 1530 ends at 0030.
and coz i'm popular for last train, i finish at 0100 at times.
i'll sleep at 2 plus and i wake up at 12 noon the next day,
and go straight to work.

how boring is that?

bf's been working for YOG the last 2 wks.
our shift clashes most of the time.
and we don't meet as often anymore.

i kinda like it.
coz its like all those missing yous collected over x number of days and when we meet,
it's like =D that.

the journey to adulthood. haiz.
i wonder how, when we get engaged nx yr.
save money, wedding planning. blah3.
haiz.. must work hard already.

hokay. i need sleep.
i pinky promise to update again tmr.

xoxoxo

missing

i'm seriously missing the boyfriend a lot.
it's been only two days that he's been away.
i still have 5 more days to go.

it's the first time he's gone on a long holiday.
haish..
he does call and sms. but it's so rushy coz of overseas call.

now i regret being mean to him most of the time. :(
it's difficult without him around.
i feel lost.
like, don't know what to do during free time.
don't know who to msg/call when something happens.
haish.

please let the days go by faster.
i miss him so much. :(

new sucky life.

hahaha! fancy me updating endang's account for my personal recounts.

tu laa.
suruh bace bukak mata betol2 tanak.
padan muka aku
dah lama tak blog.
khekhe.

i thought starting anew will be good.
but guess its not.

stuck in the middle between the good and the bad.
haiz.
what do i do?

well, i guess minding my own business will be one solution.
do as what i'd like to do.

haiz. entah lahhhh.
let's just wait and see.

i love this!

oh pls pls pls click this!

this is EXACTLY what i want for my wedding.
cream pink and white.
awesomeness.

was out at Expo with Yaty, doing research for her wedding.
already had which bridal gallery in mind.
and they were awesome.

i might want that bridal gallery too.
plus, this deco.

*melts*

haiz. kene tunggu lagik 4 tahon lah dian.
duit takde nak kawen apeee. haha

fucked up.

i am probably one of the last few who would complain about anyone/anybody/anything.
but seriously, this is pushing my patience to the limit.

firstly, we all know how bias things can be. *rolls eyes*
and that, makes people too blind to actually see the talent or ability or willingness to learn that the other person might have.
just because, you have someone who can do the work right, doesnt mean that other people can be shunned or not bothered.


secondly, issit-my-fault-that-i-cannot-come-for-selection-because-i'm-working issue?
okay fine. i'm not gonna be selected just because i cannot come on the selection day.
because i'm working.
korg nak bayarkan gaji aku keppa?
aku ni bukannye full time student cam korg.
aku keje kat a leading Singapore company.
fikir senang2 pe aku nak mintak off?

aku bukan part time tuition teacher ke, atau salesgirl tau.
bukan keje remeh temeh ni sume.
aku keje ade KPI. ade target.
target tak achieve, contract tak renew.

kalau contract aku tak di renew, ape korg bleh kasi aku keje gaji same pe?
fikir aku senang2 nak give up keje aku pasal hal ni?

so fine, if i'm not playing, i dont care.
but i'm not playing for any other positions.
thats final.

seriously, aku dah bosan.
ape gunanye kan aku ni senior tapi krg takde respect ke atau adab bile bebual dgn aku?
ape gunanye aku nie FOUNDER ENDANG tapi treated as one kan.

suke hati korang lah.
aku dah malas nak amek tau hal2 korang lagik.

plus, kalau org nak dtg, biar orang dtg dengan rela hati kerana die minat dan die boleh luangkan masa untuk berseni,
bukannye atas dasar terpakse atau diUGUT.

fikir2 uh sendiri.
kalau aku boleh unsubscribe to sms2 tu sume, dah lama dah aku unsubscribe.

hurhur.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Disorder:	Moderate
Borderline Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Disorder:	Moderate
Narcissistic Disorder:	Very High
Avoidant Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

lazy sunday

twitter.
facebook.
blogger.

so when exactly am i gonna do up my report for GP which is due next week?
grahh.
one final push lah dian.
come on. you can do it.

happy bday Yaty!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SITI SURIATI!!!
:)

wish you all the best in the future and happiness be with you always!

actually her bday's on 11th March!
:)

more pictures, more updates!
ciao.

first anniversary with love.

first year anniversary was a simple yet fun affair.

he fetched me from home at 2pm and we took 502 to Suntec.



Went to Suntec Convention Hall for the Bodyshop Warehouse Sale.
and HE WENT CRAZIER THAN ME!
so anyways, WE bought:

1 Cherry Blossom Shower Gel (mine)
1 Love ETC Shower Gel (mine)
1 Mango Shower Gel (his)
2 Shower Puffs (his)
1 Cherry Blossom Body Butter (mine)
4 ehems (Yaty's Bday Present)

yeah, and it all cost $58.
relatively cheap.

as we were q-ing up to pay, this filipino lady behind me was like,
"excuse me, you got stain"

sialla.. panic sia.

so yeah, after the whole washing up ordeal,
the stain was still there and what's worse was the fact that i wore white.
and so, went to Cotton on and bought 2 tops,
which was rather nice.

after that, went around Suntec to find Yaty's presents.
and bought tickets for Alice in Wonderland 3D.

while waiting, we went to have early dinner at Pizza Hut.
























so after pizza hut, we went to watch Alice in Wonderland.
as usual, Johnny Depp is superb!
i kinda find the movie a little scary coz of the Red Queen.
but, not sure why the movie was so dark.
probably coz it was 3d?
idk.

so after movie,he was still hungry and he bought himself doughnuts.
and we had bubble tea.




and sat by fountain of wealth, like what we did on our 2nd date. :)
only, dis time was better.

so then, he sent me all the way back to jurong.
with all the bags in his hands.
and i got my hugs. :)

iloveyoubaby.
no matter how many times, i've said i hated you,
or how many times i screamed i do not want to talk to you anymore,
but the truth is, i'm no one without you.
i'll struggle everysingle day if you're not in my life.

i love you so much.

and i promise to be your life..

alone

it has come to a point that my feelings have become numb.
it has become so cold.
so stoned-hearted.

and nothing can change it for now.

i just want to be left alone.
i want to be alone.

thisiswhatyouwant

shitstuff

so many things have been happening the past few weeks.

it's not that i'm showing off that i'm happy,
and it's not that i'm forgetting my real self, now that i'm happy.
and it's not that i want to be kurang ajar..
whatever i said, is how i feel.
but if that's the way you want to react,
then i guess, there's no point for me to be around anymore,
if i cant tell you the truth.

and i'm not gonna be the one who's going to give in.
it just hurts too much this time round.

whatever makes you happy.
coz that's the only thing that i have, and always be hoping for you.

that aside.

february has been brutal.

barred from exams.
suck at exams.
losing.
hurting.

whatever la.
i seriously cannot be bothered anymore.

life

some unsettled feelings.

i'm not sure if anyone has heard of this.
but, people say..
the longer you are with your partner, the more you two will look like each other.



don't know what to make out of it.
similar, no?

i am hating myself a lot for a lot of things which i've been doing to him.

i've been a total nuisance.
say mean things which i will later regret.
and him, being the lovable being that he is,
will always take the blame in the end,
so that i will shut up/stop crying and end the argument.

after everything's fine,
and when i think back.
it's all baseless arguments which can be avoided
but noooo, i insisted it to go on.

i can never get it in my thick skull,
that he's trying his hardest to change, for my sake, for my happiness.
but all i'm giving him is shit after shit.
and not making it any easier for him.

what the bloody fuck do i want more??!!!

haiz.
it hurts me a lot to see him trying to change,
trying his very hardest to give in.
or just be as sweet as he can.

and it hurts me more,
when i'm hurting him.
like when i scratched his arm till it bled.
or when, i don't trust him enough.
or the things which i'm doing to him now.

and he's right to think.
how am i going to survive if he's not around?
and the answer is never.
i cannot survive without him being around.

if he's not going to be around,
let it be that death do us part in a very old ripe age.
i don't know how i'll face every single day,
without him in my life.

i can barely smile or hold my tears when a night goes by
without his voice being the last that i hear before i go to sleep.
like as if a part of me is missing and being ripped off.
it's a horrible and miserable feeling.

i still don't know what i want from him.

my colleague farinah said,

love someone who loves you to death.

he loves me to death,
i'm the one who is doubting him.
but deep inside, i know there is no one who can love me like he does.
and i love him beyond any words can explain.

i know, he thinks i don't trust him.
but as a matter of fact, i do.
i trust, that he wont do things which will ever hurt me.
i trust, that he will love me unconditionally.
i trust, that i am the only that he loves.
and,
i trust him, with my life.

haiz, maybe i'm just being too hard on him.
what can i do to just, be a better me?
and a better girlfriend to him?

:(

i love him so much.
it's, unexplainable.

it's just so tiring.

I swear, my feelings are numb right now.
I dont feel sad, angry or whatever.

i'm just tired of the feelings.

i've given up in hoping for a change.
I've given up, hoping to be surprised.

i just want to be far far away.
Just wanna be alone.
without anyone in it.
at least for a while.

I'm doing everyone a favour.
Especially you.
So that i wont be a nuisance to everyone.

i'm just so tired to think, to even say anything.
i'm even more tired to cry.
i don't have that much strength in me to keep on fighting.
fighting, for the things that i want.

i just cannot do anything right anymore, can i?