missing

there was this point of my life.

i was in love with this boy after suffering from a major breakdown of a previous relationship. this boy had a great sense of humour. this boy was my world at that point of time. he was my everything.

but then again, the boy wasnt mine. but i was really in love with him. he was there each time i needed him. he was there each time i got hospitalised. he was there, each time.

but up to a point, he was gone. and he came back with a news. he loved this other girl. broke my heart to a million pieces. and the girl, was a friend of mine.

trust me, the feeling sucks. while chatting with him, i'd cry like mad. he doesnt know. and to him, he gotta turn to me for problems because he's already treated me like a close friend, and furthermore, i knew the girl he loved.

and as a friend, and admirer, i just wanna see him happy.

and i'd advice him, and tell him how to win her heart, but, it broke my heart to do that. but i kept on doing it. well, sadly, he still didnt win her heart coz apparently, some things happend.

what amazed me was that, i had the courage. to love in silence, without him knowing all the while that i loved him and that i could still give him advices on how to win her heart, when his heart was the one which i wanted so badly.

i didnt know where i found the strength, the will and the courage.

and now,

the boy is long gone and is a distant memory. he'd msg me once in a while to ask about the girl.

and now, too,

i'm in love with this other boy whom i can't shake off from my memory no matter how hard i tried. its not as if i've not tried. i did. but i cant help but feel jealous when he talked about this girl-friend, that girl-friend.

the boy was once mine. and it's so unlike me to think about boys who were once mine, not for this long. it's been 3 months. i just can't help but think, when's the next time going to be?

i love this boy with all my heart. i love this boy so much that, i couldn't bear to know any more guys. i love this boy so much that, it hurts.

it hurts knowing that i don't know whether this boy loves me back.
it hurts to see him each time, especially when i see him that often.
it hurts to think about the memories, even though the memories didnt last long.

it hurts to love, when you don't know what the future holds.

geez.

i dont think i have the strength and courage like i had the last time. coz no matter how hard i tried to forget about this boy, i cant. i cry coz i know he's not mine anymore. i cry coz i dont know whether or not he'll be mine in the future.

the feeling just sucks you know.

i was reading my previous posts when i came across this.. This was dated 7th January 2007

"... i want someone.

someone who can change me.
someone who can change my perspectives.
someone who can guide me in my life.
someone who can make me respect them.
someone who can always prove me wrong.
someone who can shut my ego up.
someone who can understand how busy i am.
someone who can make me have the time for him no matter how busy i am.
someone who is strong-willed enough to tolerate me.
and for once,
someone who respects me and my decisions.
....
i enjoy intellectual conversations.

not some sappy mushy conversations, asking whether i love you or you love me. no, i'm not that kinda person. i like realism. i like philosophy. get me to talk about that and i won't shut up. don't just ask me how my day was and shut up. if you shut up, i'll shut up.

i enjoy sarcasm and arguments.

yes, i like people trying to prove to me that i'm wrong. i don't like compliments much. i'm a flawed and imperfect human being. tell me my flaws and imperfections, so that i can work on them and improve myself. don't keep telling me that i'm right and i'm oh-so-perfect. no, don't lie to me.

i love humour.

if you can make me laugh sincerely, i seriously salute you. it's not easy to get me laughing sincerely. sometimes i'll just fake a laugh. just like how i'll fake a smile. i'm an actress remember? you can't tell when i'm faking it and when i'm not. but i'm not, you can see it in my eyes.

yes, that's who i really am and what i'm expecting."

sorry for being long-winded. but, i actually found out, the boy had all these qualities, just so to let you know.

sigh...

dear boy,

even though i act as if i don't care, or i act as if i don't love you anymore, the point is, i love you too much. i still cry at night, thinking of us. my heart still ache, each time i see you, coz i know i'm not special to you anymore. but dear boy, please understand, i love you more than i did the last time.

and this, i speak from my heart. sincerely.

love,
ChiCka.