mama n abah.

sesungguhnye, aku merasakan yg diri aku ni hanyut dek mengikutkan halwa nafsu yg tak tentu arah. nafsu, dalam subjek ini, bermacam-macam perkara. jangan setakat fikir nafsu itu hanya untuk nafsu seksual.

dan aku merasakan, fikiran ku sudah buntu. mcm sudah tidak waras untuk memikirkan apa yang baik dan apa yang buruk. semua asal boleh go jer. entah la.. sendiri gali lubang, sendiri tutup ye.

untuk post di bawah, sesiape yg rase jelak membace aku crite pasal ex aku, rase2 jangan bace ah. but, it's just for me to think through.

i talked to the ex's sister just now. and she was telling me how, abah said, he and mama would really be happy if me and him get back together. for awhile day, my ego flopped. i know it's impossible for me to get back with him. knowing the condition and situation that both of us are in now. and i know, there could never be another us.

we never really talk unless its business and we have to discuss it. other than that, we are nothing. and i told mama the other day, i don't talk to him anymore.. and she said, maybe because he's always busy.

mama.. sometimes, i do wish that things were the way it was. but it isn't. i know, you and abah want me to be with him, and sometimes, i hope your wishes come true, but i realize, this is reality, there can never be us agn.

maybe because your son changed. and he moved on. and he left me far behind and in the lurch. i hated him for that. it took me almost 5 months just to forget about him. i loved him a lot. i really do. but i dunno how i feel twds him now. coz i just don't want to get hurt again coz, if i love him, i wont be able to face the fact again, which took me 5 mths to overcome.

but mama, abah and adik, i love u all like family. i've never been close to a bf's family and u guys were the first, to enter my life. and i've treated all of u like family.

i remembered how.. all five of us would sit and talk and crack jokes and we'll always end up talking about ghost stories.

and i remembered how, mama taught me how to bake chocolate chip muffins even after i broke up with him. and also, i remembered.. watching soccer with abah. and the family chalet during adik's bday..

i miss all of that. but mama, abah.. i need to move on for the sake of my happiness. i can't be waiting for your son for ever. though, today, i've finally rejected my ego and thought that i missed him.

and thats it.. if fate decided to be nice, who knows we might reunite. but, the way i see it now, there's no hope.

and i'm in search of happiness.