work.

end of 4 days of work. and now back to school.

the last few days were totally slacky i'd say. it's as if sentosa is suffering from bad business (choy!). but yeah, there was really a major difference in the crowd numbers compared december and january.

but these few days were great because i saw the marshals bonding together, finally. it's something which i've been wanting to do for quite some time. i have to thank cinemania for that, though it's already closed. and because of the closure, it brought my marshals closer to each other, not just in work but outside work.

on sunday, 9 marshals went to watch cinemania together during the last show for the day. it's very rare to get 9 marshals together at the same time. it's really cool lah. =) and i took this opportunity to take pictures with my marshals. and~ it's our first ever group pic! hehh.


The Guys.


6 guys and 1 girl


Me and MK.


Me and MK again. LOL.


Me,Limei, Melissa


Me and Faiz.


Me and Aizad Skip.


Me and Farid


Me and Nisham


Me and Tian Chan


Me and Farid


Aizad Fucking Faiz

Ok then for Monday,


Goodbye Cinemania.


Me and Nisham again.


Big Dee and Small Aizad. LOL


and i was working on monday too. it was totally slacky. i was at harbourfront. and it was the first day of sentosa express opening. geexz. harbourfront was totally normal. like, zilch. hurhur. i saw ali romeo tho. hehhh. he told me to call him if i wanna take the train from vivo.

after harbourfront, went to dolphin lagoon. and guess who i saw???

THE RANGER GUY!!!

omggggg. i was so happy laaaaah. hehhe. he asked me if i was stationed there and i said yeah. then he went off.

and at night, i took the express train back. met my family at vivo. then took aken to take the express train. and at beach station, a whole group of rangers board the train!!!!

GOSSSHHHH.

and, Shahid was there lah. and gawwwdd. he saw me and aken. and i was just thinking that maybe, he thought Aken is my son. Arghhhh. depression ahh.

Then Tuesday i was working too. I didnt see Shahid though coz he's working night shift. BAAAAH. but i took pics again. nyahhha.


me and abang zaid.


me and my name tag


jakonism

sighness. not gonna see him for a long time. bleaarghh.

nice suprise.

net is being such a bitch. can't log in to msn. hurrr. that sucked.

even myspace is taking such a long time to load.

so, me and Linda, we're at Shaw House Mac now. yes, we skipped school. and shit, i missed my 3rd Maths UT consecutively. damn cb. we waited for a cab for like, half an hour under the rain and still no cab so we gave up uhh. and came here, like any other days when i skipped school with Sandy, we'd come to Shaw House Mac.

oh yesyesyes! i've got a superterrificfabulistic news!!

i was sleeping last night at 8 plus, and someone called. i didnt recognise the number nor the voice. but i didnt know why i wasn't irritated at the fact that someone called me when i was sleeping. and i wasnt rude either. i was quite polite, in fact.

and i asked who the person was. and he said, "kawan lama tapi baru tapi lama" which meant.. "old friend but new but old" i was like"..."

and lastly he said.. "Ni Amy lahh"

i was so shocked that, i sat upright immediately from lying down. i was like, "Amy as in Amy amyyy?"

hahahaha. oh yesyesyes. Amy as in Thabri Amy. The Mr Ex-Ranger Amy. =))

i was so shocked. i didn't expect him to call me again. but he did. and talking to him again was great.. just like how we used to talk. our loyarness, arguments and debates. aha.. it was great. i thought that there no chance of us talking again. but yeah, we are.

just so happy lah. =)

ohh and you know, i just changed my myspace main pic to the pic which i went to tan with sandy and josephine. and, in 2 days, i've got 7 friend requests. geez. and i've got a few requests from African Americans. weirdness.

and finally, my myspace is active. haha.. if not, i couldn't be bothered with myspace.

i just don't get it with myspace actually. i mean, in friendster, i have like 740++ people in my first account but i know them even i'm not close to them. like, i know where i got to know them from. but myspace, people just add for the sake of adding, and then some, never msg or whatsoever and like, i don't even know who they are lah.

ohh whatever.

after this, i'm going to far east. then, no idea where to. maybe today going to meet Fan to get his passport size pic for the Islander thing. baaah.

bored.

woohoo!

i did the facial last night and it was greaaat lah.

it was supposed to be 2 hrs but then it dragged to 3 hours. and the lady who did my face was great. she talked to me in mandarin all the way. =) what a way to improve my mandarin huh?

so, she did my eyebrows and she also gave me a face massage, head massage and a shoulder massage. how cool is that! and it's only $39. coolness. might be going there again next month. all thanks to abang man for all these pampered stuff.







heex. that's MY helmet. abang said so. he bought 2 helmets. one for him and one for me and that's mine! =) one day i'll take a pic of the bike. it's super nice okeh. it's red! my favourite color. and it's a cbr 150.

okeh. cik jamilah just called me just now and.. i'll be working at 9 am on Saturday. That means.. i'll be stationed at Harbourfront. and THAT means.. i can see Shahid. Coz i figured he'll be working night shift on Friday and the next day he'll be be out at 9 plus. So, yeah. AND. on Monday AND Tuesday, i'll be at Harbourfront too. So, yeah.

gosh. i'm obsessed.

these few days i've been really good. single. no stress. no pressure. except for one by fan. so, i've been good.

i'll just run away at any sign of guys trying to get close to me. haha. it got me really scared, really. i'm just not interested in getting to know anyone new. just let me be.

the other day, i was chatting with Kieysha. and i guess there were some thoughts and views that we shared in common. it's been quite a while since i had a view/perception exchange chat, so, i thought it was kinda cool uh. =)

and i guessed for her, she's got really good, no wait, excellent i'd say, patience and tolerance. i'm not like that anymore. i used to be. but now, i can't. somehow my realistic side keeps telling me stuff which, will overcome my feelings. in a way, it's good yet, perceiving at times. ah anyways, it was a good chat.

speaking of good chats, i had my nightly chats with Fan. Hah.. which reminded me of the time when we met last Friday. It was gerek uh. Like, there was this once that me, him and kak diana went to Forever 21 and there was this bra which actually caught my eye. and it was so interesting that i made such a big fuss of it. and the salesgirl came in and said,

"yes, it's interesting yeah? but it's only for C cups."

and i'm like, okay. this is the part where i shut up about my boob size.

and then the salesgirl, filipino i guess, actually said..

"oh.. i think u can fit in them"

and Fan was like, sniggering laaah. Geex. She was looking at my boobs! LOL. yes, i know i can fit in them but, like, you don't have to say it out loud you know. Gee. But that night was great i guess. Me and Kak Diana gave Tiara a surprise birthday thing. it was one of the first i've done and it was like, such a last minute idea.






Lil-Ti, ChiCka and Elia


Me and Kak Diana.
yeah, give some recognition to my 3 favourite girls.

you know what, i'm blabbering too much. everything's OH-SO-RANDOM. hahaha. bleargh.

ciao all.

do not lie to me. because i will find out sooner or later. try all u might to hide it, but i can always find out. so, don't try.

detailed specifications.

7th January 2007

I think today was supeeeerr gerek.

I was stationed at Siloso Point at 10 plus and Nazmi was supposed to be with me but he didn't come today. So i was alone there.

When i reached there, there was this ranger.

He looked exactly like Amy. He's tall like Amy. Maybe only a little slimmer than Amy. And maybe a little cuter than Amy. But then again, he looked sooo much like Amy. And i smiled at him lah, the only reasonable thing to do in Sentosa when you see another Sentosa-worker.

And he smiled back.

And he came over to my place and talked to me! LOL!

He asked me whether i've eaten, what time i'm going back and stuff. That was the first time i talked to him! Usually i'll see him around at Harboufront when i'm stationed there. But that was like, WOW! heh.. He's so cute lah can...

And i saw him like, throughout the morning. He came over to my place quite a few times. there was once or twice that he stayed there coz he had to chase the taxis away. i managed to talk to him again. =)

and then, i told uncle mohan that i found him cute but i didnt know his name. so, when the guys, mk, faiz and uncle mohan saw who he was, they TRIED to be nice and got his name for me, like as if i asked; which in fact, i did not. but anyway, his name is Shahid.

i guess the reason i kinda looked forward to see him again, is because he reminds me so much like Amy. and i kinda miss Amy.

yes, Amy the Mr Ranger. well, Mr Ex-Ranger, i shall say.

Amy's having 2 jobs now and i guess, both of us have been quite distant from each other ever since the incident. but i still miss the times when both of us were really close and that we'd talk to each other every single day.. and we'd have our late night loyarness. and he's call when he's at work.

i miss all that.

but times have changed. both of us have moved on in our lives. and i don't think we're as important to each other as we were back then.

yeah well.. i still miss him very much.

Dear God,

please make me have the courage in life and pls guide me to the right path in life. please stop me from hurting people who have done nothing wrong to me.

why do You make me so complicated to understand? people can't understand me. i can't understand me too.

i want someone.

someone who can change me.
someone who can change my perspectives.
someone who can guide me in my life.
someone who can make me respect them.
someone who can always prove me wrong.
someone who can shut my ego up.
someone who can understand how busy i am.
someone who can make me have the time for them no matter how busy i am.
someone who is strong-willed enough to tolerate me.
and for once,
someone who respects me and my decisions.

i know it's hard to get that someone.

but i do know, there will be someone out there for me. but i guess, maybe not now. in the future. yes, hopefully.

Amin.

i'm single now.
my attention now, work, school and cca.

i think the only guys that are close to me, are my sentosa fam.
abang man, abang zaid, faiz, tian chan, nazmi, farid.

and some net friends.
jas, jayjay, zulkhairi, adek lili and a few more which i think i forgot.

and of course,
irfan.

would i let guys be close to me again?

i don't know. i'm just so tired of being in a relationship, only to find out a little later that we can't commit anymore. i'm just so sick of being in a short term relationship. i know i'm the one asks for the break up. but you can't blame me, when we have nothing to talk about on the phone.

i enjoy intellectual conversations.

not some sappy mushy conversations, asking whether i love you or you love me. no, i'm not that kinda person. i like realism. i like philosophy. get me to talk about that and i won't shut up. don't just ask me how my day was and shut up. if you shut up, i'll shut up.

i enjoy sarcasm and arguments.

yes, i like people trying to prove to me that i'm wrong. i don't like compliments much. i'm a flawed and imperfect human being. tell me my flaws and imperfections, so that i can work on them and improve myself. don't keep telling me that i'm right and i'm oh-so-perfect. no, don't lie to me.

i love humour.

if you can make me laugh sincerely, i seriously salute you. it's not easy to get me laughing sincerely. sometimes i'll just fake a laugh. just like how i'll fake a smile. i'm an actress remember? you can't tell when i'm faking it and when i'm not. but i'm not, you can see it in my eyes.

yes, that's who i really am and what i'm expecting.

and till then,

my darling will always be, abang. and i will always be his pampered little adik sayang. till i find a boyfriend who can really take care of me, abang will always be the person i look up to and also be pampered with.

i've been disappointed time and time again. and that doesn't mean i have given up or stopped searching. my heart will always be searching for the right one. but my eyes are too blind to see who that person is.

i have moved on in my life. but it doesn't mean that i have forgotten about Mr Ex-ranger. i've always thought that God doesn't allow me to be with him now because he will be with me in the future forever. i know it sounds kiddish, but that's what i think. it may not be true. but i have no idea why i still insists on thinking that way.

unless, someone can really get me over him. which i don't think anybody can.

for now,

i'm just happier being alone. no, wait. i'm not alone. i have the people mentioned above. and yes, you people reading this might think that i'm a flirt, i have lots of guy friends and blah3..

well, it's not easy being brought up in a family where you're the only daughter and the rest are guys. not that your mum is girlish too. she's not. so, you go figure. i'm raised in a surrounding of boys. it's not that i'm so gatal to be with a lot of guy friends. it's just that i get along with guys better that girls. that's that.

aaah. but anyways, it's up to you to judge.

and who knows,

you can prove me wrong. =)

muchlove.

2007

haiz.

the more i try not to think, the more i will think. i know i shouldn't. i know i should be strong and not think about it. but i just can't stop.

it's been a long time since i've been like this. i want it. all for myself. not seeing it, not having it, just makes me a weaker person.

haiiz.

this is wad i got off from some friendster bulletin. quite true i guess. hahaha. and they keep emphasizing that december ppl are horny. shut up laaaah. hahaha. i'm horny so wad? lolz.

DECEMBER= BEAUTY
Loves to chat.
Loves those who love them.
Loves to takes things at the centre.
Great in bed.
Inner and physical beauty.
Doesn't pretend.
Gets angry often.
A meaningful love life partner.
Treats friends importantly.
Brave and fearless.
Always making friends.
It is all about love and fairness.
Easily hurt but recovers easily.
Daydreamer.
Horny but does fullfill.
Opinionated.
Does not care to control emotions.
Knows what to do, to have fun.
Unpredictable.
Someone to have close to you.
Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.

and with the new year here, i guess it's resolutions time, yeah? but let's kick it off with some reflections.

A review. Of 2006

2006. A year of ups and downs of the extremes. It was a year of unexpected things happening. It was a year, of happiness, joy, sadness, and strength.

i've got 2 exes in the year of 2006.

one being, my now-good-friend-and-then-boyfriend J. It was a good relationship i think. Only that both of us were always busy and never had the time for each other that, i think the love failed. and also, because of my dad. i ran away from home for the very first time of my life. met his siblings. met his mom. his mom doesn't like me. neither did my dad liked him. it was hard on us. and it was especially hard on me when i got that tag from someone. and it ended everything.

it was such a terrible period of time for me. i was really looking forward to the 6th months anniversary. but before we got there, we went our separate ways. it was horrible. the memories, was so vague, so clear. the promises. the sacrifice i did. i went totally berserk. and the only people who stood by me, were my parents, my brother, and also my sentosa family.

it wasn't easy, to let go of a good guy. but then again i thought, if he's happier without me, then i will let him go. and i wanna see him happy. if it means being with me makes him unhappy, i'd let go. and i did.

all sorts of advices came to me.

and i will always remember what abang azri told me.
"a relationship without parent's blessings, will never work out"

and from then onwards, i respected my parents. i changed. abang man was with me every single day because i used to skip school for 2 wks after my break-up. he'd advice me. talk to me.

and uncle goh would tell me.

"kamu masih muda... masih byk lagi lelaki di luar sana.. tidak apa kalau satu tidak mahu kamu, pokoknya, ramai lagi org yang masih sayang kamu.."

i guess that's true. i may have lost one person. but there are lots of others out there who loves me as their friend, their sister and also their daughter.

that period was one of the craziest period in my life but, i sure did learn a lot from it.

then, the highlight for 2006 was my first ever theatre performance. I PERFORMED AT ESPLANADE!!!

it was cool. totally.

and then, i performed for create.fiesta.

and, then i turned 18. ahhh. the legal age.

and i got myself into another relationship. and it was a 5 day relationship. it was a total mistake. i should've known better. tattoos? sec 3 education? went to prison b4? tagging? what was i even thinking?

i know i had a lot of impact in his life. but i'm sorry that the only impact that i've got was just pure hate.

2006 saw me made a lot of great friends. and i lost a few of them.

amy. scandalous. his friend liked me. i liked him. he liked filzah. how much of a conflict can that be. i've been thinking of typing a script about it. because it was so controversial and so much drama in it that no one would ever believe me if i told them. and i lost this dear friend of mine. we were so close. but now, everything just feels so distant between us.

irfan. the one i have intellectual conversations once in a while. the one who made me think and woke me up from lies.

abang man, nazmi, faiz, tianchan and those in sentosa who are close to me. these people are like family to me. they're not just colleagues. they're my brothers, and also my godfathers. <3 these people to bits.

and then, now, i've got it and it makes me happy. lol.

i just hope 2007 will be a good year for me.

2006 was a good year. really.

my resolutions for 2007 will be..

- quit smoking. like every other year's resolution.
- make more money
- come to school more
- get good grades
- lose weight.
- have faith in myself.
- don't sin too much. lolz!
- get a bike.

and lastly,

bring myself closer to God.

yeah, i guess that's my new year's resolutions. might have summore though. but i can't think of anymore for now.

okay. that was a long post. toodles all~

school's in.

and school is in.

baahhhh. first day of school reopen and i've got a China faci for my maths class. lolz.. he's okay lah just that the accent is a little distracting. nyahha..

guess what. last night talked to Fan. i was sleeping then he called lah. somehow i woke up but i checked, i got another 2 missed calls from Izhar. Lol.. So then we talked. And we cried. It was quite emotional lah. I guess everyone has their own weak points and it's kinda unavoidable.

ok well, i'll reply to my tags first before i begin rambling about other stuff.

TAG REPLIES.

Ilah: awak semua takde..tinggal saja jer sorang.wahaha..dee!! aku miss ko!!
==> ChiCka: aku pun miss kauuuuuu!! hahaha.. alaaa. kan dah cakap.. aku nie busy woman.. ishk kau ni pun!

syasya: i was here..heh bz giler yea kamu? hehe
==> ChiCka: hey babe! yeahh busy giler these few weeks. i miss you girls!

ninishasha: i was here!
==> ChiCka: EH HELLO! thanks for dropping by.

Nouru: HEYA! Hmm...I think U find a song w/o and high vocals.That is your limit.Try Tsukiko Amano =P
==> ChiCka: HEELLOO! Tsukiko Amano song? GILA! She's got a high pitch voice.Mine is low pitch. LOL. Jordan Hill would be good. or Christina Aguilera. And how to get Minus 1 song?!! Argh!!


ok, back.

ok now, i don't feel like updating much, lol. laters~

i miss you.

back again.

ahhhhh yes. i'm back again.

been busy working after i came back from Indonesia. From the 23rd December to the 2nd January, i only had 1 day off. That means, 10 days of work.

And yeaaa, it was 10 days of hell.

Let me see..

Sat: 0900-1900 = 10 hrs work
Sun: 0900-1900 = 10 hrs work
Mon: 0900-1900 = 10 hrs work
Tues: OFF
Wed: 0900-1930 = 10.5 hrs work
Thurs: 0900-1930 = 10.5 hrs work
Fri: 0900-2100 = 12 hrs work
Sat: 0900-1900= 10 hrs work
Sunday to Monday: 1300 - 0800 = 19 hrs work
Mon: 1200 - 2200 = 10 hrs work
Tuesday: 1200 - 1900 = 7 hrs work

TOTAL HOURS OF WORK: 109 hours.

WHOAAAAAA!!

Siallah. I must be superwoman. Like, really. Who is human enuff to do 29 hours of work wifout any sleep?

yeah, only me, Faiz, Tian Chan and Khairul.

gila..

But it was cool lahh. We thought the countdown was gonna have a lot of people since, they said the expected was like, 15,000. but guess what, the ticketing ppl said, it was about 3,000++ only.

but it was kecohrable at the Beach Station. People fighting, drunk. Crapstuff. So, i was the only girl again. As usual laahh kan. and so, we finished work at 8. 6 of us slept. 5 of us continued work at 12. And 4 of us finished at 10 pm.

Mcm siak lor.

But the best part was at Ferry.

I feel that Sentosa is not just a workplace for me. It's like a 2nd home and that's where my 2nd family is. =)

yeah well. school starts tomorrow for me. yeahh so, now back to Republic Poly.



and tell me, my new uniform is ugly, isnt it?
urgh.

OFFICE CLEANER!

merepekness. what was the designer even thinking! the color. urgh.
merepek.

back in business.

and so i'm back.. from outer space..

haha.. wadderr...

i'm back from Indonesia.. i've been going to the island like, every year.. but i don't know why we go there.. i mean, like, does my family even have any relatives? coz from what i know, it's my uncle's wife who came from that island.

only yesterday, i found out from my mum.. that my granddad was from that island. and he fled to Lazarus Island and then to Singapore.

so yeah.. NOW I KNOW.

lolz. so i'm part Indonesian and Boyanese. Coz my late Granddad from my dad's side was from Pulau Bawean in the other side of Indonesia.

hah.. so i have Indonesian blood in me.

i've uploaded the pics in my flickr.

click here.

well.. talked to someone who worked in sentosa last night. he said he admire me. i was like.. okaaaay. den he kept asking if i wanna go on a date. lol. yeahh sure.. like i don't owe THAT many people any dates.

urhhh..

the most obvious is Si 'SHACUTE laaaahh! hahhhaha.. keep pestering me when to go out with her. hahaha. i totally cannot find the time. the only free time i have is today. and next tuesday which, i've already made plans with Aisyah since she's back from Australia.

other than that, i still owe a lot of other people dates. join the queue eh please. LOLZ.

okeh. now that i'm back. my schedule has been set again. nyeeehhh. and believe me, my schedule is tight. and.. i need to do my PP. arghh. stress sia. i don't know how to survive year 3 man. i guess i can work as much anymore. haiiz. suckks ahh.

and to add on, i still to prepare for the Republic Quest. Yeah, a singing competition in school. I need to prepare one English song, and a song in another language. Haiiz. i dunno what song to do. I wanna do Christina Aguilera's I Turn To You. But i'm not really confident about it. That's why i'm still searching for other songs. For the other language, i still don't know what song to do. argh. stress.

and, when school reopen, i'm gonna have to re-start the dikir girls in school.

ok, i'll be a damn busy girl.

heh, wad's new?

howells, i'll update when i have the time okay. haha.. and i wonder when that will be..

picking up.

to all my sayangs,

i'm sorry for the lack of updates. been busy, tired and the network's been on and off.

so, last saturday started work at 5.30 pm. zoukout duty 5.30 pm to 8pm. i was suprised that Cik Jamilah told me to work overnight coz usually, girls weren't allowed to. so, was stationed at Harbourfront with Siew Yong, Cik Jamilah and the new guy Farid. Me and Farid were talking non-stop while stationing ourselves near the slope. but then, he had to go in the island, left me alone there. and i saw... Ayul. LOL. i should've known. haha.. he was with Ceety and his friend which, i've forgotten the name.

i took pics. and i realise, i can make a mood story again!

One Day, a girl named ChiCka, who was a Sentosa Marshal, had to work for Zoukout and she was stationed at Harbourfront.

She soon got bored at Harbourfront after 11 pm so she requested to be proceeded to Sentosa after 12.30 pm. Then, after proceeding in, she was placed at the Gateway Carpark Entrance.

she was okay with it until Singh came to fetch her and her friends, to Beach Station. So they stayed there. And at 5 plus, she was like this...

so, looking at her condition, Singh decided to pity her so at 6.45, Singh sent Nazmi and her to go to the office to rest.

She was soooo..

but her happiness was shortlived. So.. she decided to....

Haha that's all..

Today went tanning with Sandy and Josephine. Too lazy to blog about it. Pictures will tell it all.

okeh.

MY REPLIES TO TAGS!

'SHACUTE™: Weiii. Bila Nak Keluarrr ? Set A Date Please. Ajak Orang Ramai Join The Party Too Okey? Oh2, Si Ilah To Pon Alrite. HAHAH! =)))))
==> ChiCka: HAHA. biler ehh?? i also dunno.. Maybe after i come back from Indon k.. Nak carik laki untuk kamu! hahaha.. =p

syasya: i link u alr dear..at last! =)
==> ChiCka: haha.. thanks gal~

Hikerl: relink
==> ChiCka: okeh. relinked already!

LIN: hello DEE! hope everything will turn out fine. i know u will come out of this mess unscathed. i have faith in you for that! cheers! oh, and me lup u. don't forget that
==> ChiCka: hello LIN! thanks for the faith baby.. me lurbb euu too. =))) haha.

Jalilah: its ok honey. you got me! hugs. njoy ur holiday!
Jalilah: eyy afer tuh aku nmpk name aku si ilah. hahaha
==> ChiCka: thanks sweets. haha.. nampak aje eh name kau.. ahha..

'SHACUTE™: A'aah! Nama Ilah Macam Terselit Dicelah Gigi Gitukan Kan Kan Kan. Hahaks!
==> ChiCka: HAHA. terselit dicelah gigi perrr.. LOL. pandai jerr ehh kamu..


Okeh i'm done. toodles~

=/

yes i was the bitch.
and i was the liar.

but the last thing in my mind was to treat you like a fool/bastard.

if i was thinking of treating you like that, i would have held a little longer so that it would make u crazy about me. but i didn't. the earlier i leave, the lesser pain you would feel. and it caused me some pain too. you're not alone.

i just can't bear being with someone, while thinking about another. you made me believe in love for awhile. but then, it faded.

i just don't want to lie anymore. not to you. or to myself especially. please don't do anything stupid and take care of yourself. well, that's done. just leave me alone. i'm just not ready for another relationship.

i don't think i'm high-maintenance. but i just want someone average. nice. not rude. not vulgar. haiiz.. someone like, astroboy. like, mr ranger. my 2 favourite guys even though we're not close anymore.

haiiz.. i need to pick myself up again.

haiiz.

i don't like the feeling of being attached.

i don't like being attached.

how the hell did i get myself into this mess? how can i be someone whom i don't have any respect for? or in the matter, someone whom i don't love?

been crying these few nights.. coz i can't stand being in the relationship anymore. he's so different from me. he's so different from most guys i know. and i just can't take that anymore. the best thing is to leave.

i know i've made a difference in his life in such a short period of time. i know how happy he is when he's with me. but, i have to be selfish for my own happiness. i don't love him anymore.

or, it has never been love but just pure infatuation.

Dear God,

You must have a reason for meeting him and me. But i can't stand it anymore. I don't wanna do the things which you forbid anymore, at least not in that kind of manner. I can't stand hearing vulgarities every single minute, even though it's not for me.

You know what kind of person i am, God. You know he's the exact opposite of me. i'm just not like that kind of person anymore. i've changed. please don't make me go back to my old ways. Give me strength to tell him that i want out.

You do know who my heart is for. Please guide me. I need your guidance.

Amin.

where're you astroboy? i miss you loads.

2nd December!

okay so i know that 2nd December was like, 3 days ago. but yeh.. i'm still gonna blog about it.

andd.. I'M FINALLY 18 LAAAA!

ahakz.. so, my parents planned a pit. and the night before, mummy gave me a green handbag. and inside, there were:

- 1 wallet
- 1 blusher
- 1 mascara
- 1 lipstick
- 1 face pallete
- 1 perfume
- 2 pair earrings
- 3 deodorants

like, omfg!! so happy lahh can.. and they were all from avon. geex.. must've cost her a bomb! then, on my bday, daddy came back home and gave me this plastic bag. he said his friend went to australia so he asked his friend to buy stuff for me lah. so i got a t-shirt and 6 nougats and 2 koalas. =)

and so, about 4 plus, we went to the pit at changi.. about 6 plus went to changi village to pick kak diana and her boyfie. and she gave me a red long sleeve fila top and a pair of earrings which is red and black in colour. i lup you so muchh laah! hahaha..

so the bbq went well... kak diana went back.. den about 12 plus, a guy i got to know, Apai called me.. we talked.. and when i was talking to him, i saw... a white cloth flying at the beach side. lawl...

and guess what, Apai asked me to be his gf! haha.. and i must've been crazy to accept coz we've never met b4..

i guess, it's because, i'm just so tired of rejecting ppl and losing friendships over that. and like i said, if i feel like i wanna accept, i will accept. and i did. will talk about him much later.

so, then on sunday, we went back at about 8 plus pm. siannism lah. my laptop batt flat, hp batt flat. hurhur. so reached home, quickly switched on my laptop..

and i wanna thank all these ppl..


irfan
babaji thana
abg siraj
din
malik
mazlinda
zul
daniel
nouru
songye
abang alias
jalilah
natasha
abg wady kuntare
abg man
tiara and family
jas harlequin
kecik
amir
faizul
kumar
farah
busu ayu
khairul
jumali
jae
ami chelopz
linda
aisyah
sid
leanna
tianchan
'shacute
arip
yida
manboi valentino
shast
ash
afique
krishna
yanyan
juita
sandy
lin
ernest
firdaus
hafidz

and of coz..

mr apairazkal.

god! that was a long list. nyehhh. that shows how much i appreciate all of you for wishing me happy birthday!

so here are some pics...

me and ayah

me and ibu

me and abang (my kid bro lah actually)

and lastly...

me. heh.

okay so enuff of the birthday...

let's talk about mr razkal.

yesterday was the first time i met him. and shit lah.. he's so damn tall.. i feel so short. but he's okay i guess. i mean, he's not that good looking or the pretty boy kind, but i feel so secured when i'm wif him. and he makes me happy. and i just hope that we can last long.

if only, they don't interfere. and they don't take him away from me.

baby, thanks for coming into my life and for making me believe in love again. iloveyou.