EMO.

current mood: lost

updates.

I woke up at 4.15 pm today.. Quite reasonable since i slept at 4.30 am this morning. Dunno why i couldnt get to sleep even though i was kinda sleepy. Howells.

I've been letting my feelings get the better of me. I just don't know what the heck i want.

I was on my way to work yesterday morning and i was suprise at the fact that i teared when i was closing my eyes whilst listening to Only One Accoustic by Yellowcard. Picture: Song started on my mp3, i closed my eyes. And all the memories seems to be rushing back and i vividly saw each and everyone of them. And i began tearing in the train without realizing it.

Memories as in: Me and JJ.

Shit lah. I thought i've gotten over it.. But i havent. Sucks ar. But he knows and i know that we can never be because of our parents. That sucks more. I have to sacrifice my happiness so that he wont get screwed by my dad anymore. Sigh. I miss being with him.

OH NO. Tears rolling down. I miss him so bad. It sucks knowing that you love someone that you know you can't have ever again. Gawd! Like A Rose by A1. The song that was our background while we were at the Fountain of Wealth on the night that both of us got into trouble wif my dad.

SIGH.

But for me, break means break. I don't have the habit of asking my exes for patch.

Which, reminds me that my ex of a year ago msged me at Friendster. I unblocked him and we chatted for a while on msn. Gawd it hurts. He apologised and stuff uh.. And we're kinda okay.

Then, there's Him.

He used to be there for me in times of need. He used to be the one who would always cheer me up when i'm down. I used to like him.. And after that things change.. He changed. And his attitude just pisses me off. I don't like him like i used to anymore.

But then, he came back in my life again and he said things which suddenly made me feel that i should hope again. But then again, his attitude. Urgh.. I know who i am to you.. I am neither wanted nor needed. I'm just a friend, like i used to say to you. But you don't have to say what you did that night and made me hope for you. I'm gullible. I trust people easily. And i trusted you.

And now, i'm just trying to shun every person in my life. I just wanna be alone and sort my life out. And figuring how i should let my heart free of hurt and sadness.

I JUST WANNA SCREEEEAAAAAAMMMM!!!

SIGH... I figure that i'm not ready for a relationship yet. Well, partly because i still havent gotten over bof HIM and Him. But mainly, it's because i don't really have the time to be in a relationship.

A relationship needs time, money and love. So what if you have the love, but you don't have money to spend when you're going out and stuff. What do you do if you don't have money? And time. For people like me, i never have free time eversince i step into poly life.

I'm always busy in some kind of things. Be it Drama, Dikir or Dance. These 3 Ds. Either that, work. And since it's the holls and i dun have any Drama to think about, I'm gonna work my ass off to get the things i want. My parents are in a state where *her* jewelleries are getting lesser and lesser. Ok. I'll shut up now about my family's situation.

Sigh, so you see, i don't have the time to be in a relationship coz i dun want my bf to feel ignored coz i dun have the time for him. Haiz..

2months single and wad did i learn?

A lot. All thru hard ways.

if only i know how i'm feeling now. coz inmy mind, there's always our memories haunting me back. but in my heart, only God knows coz i too dunno. HAIZ.