personas.

i know online people think i'm really stuck up. oh no, i should rewrite that.

i know online guys think i'm really stuck up. that sounds better.

i don't chat much. halfway i'd ignore their messages. or i'd give 1 word answers. yeah sure, i'm unfriendly. thank you. i don't really care much when it comes to online people. i used to have an online persona. PunkChiCka to ChiCka LoLiTa.

both of them made lots of friends online. Both were popular on AnakMelayu, they were regulars even. both knew how to make friends stay. and were often, online and had the time to enjoy and have fun.

now the persona changed to ChiCka Emily.

ChiCka Emily (Emily given by Leanna-Jazz) is more reserved. Created late last year, ChiCka Emily didnt make as many friends as both PunkChiCka and ChiCka LoLiTa. Emily is more laidback, more quiet and she keeps a lot of her feelings in her. She doesnt even want to be bothered about guys.

it was only until she decided to give it a chance, hoping that this guy could make her happy. he did. but only for a short time due to the complications of which, both of them know.

and Emily, she's moping around. hurt, obviously. the grudge in her, the pain and the anger. but deep down, she's still in love with him.

the task now, to merge all 3 together. PunkChiCka to ChiCka LoLiTa to ChiCka Emily INTO ChiCka.

hard task. But, i'm sure it's do-able.

only that i need more time.

okay dang, quite a few ppl know that i have peavey. i love peavey. really, a lot. if i can, i wanna show the whole world what peavey can do but i can't. amanah orang tak boleh main2. he said to me, "... jgn byk tangan. u sorg and someone u trust jer"

how?

geez.

just like i've expected.
my hopes were dashed again.

that's why i don't like to put on so much hopes. they're easily dashed. oh heck. anybody up for a movie marathon this saturday?

i wanna get away. but i don't know to where.

i just wanna go somewhere; alone. i want to think. i want to relax. i fucking need a break.

and can u like, don't fucking disturb me asshole. if i don't reply, shoo off! stop disturbing me. i seriously hate leeches.

fuck.

depressing.

i realise that most of my recent posts were depressing and about my depression.

there's just so many things that has been bothering my mind and it's so bottled up.
leanna.. where're you..

i feel that i'm gonna burst one day. i already did 2 nights ago and it made me late for work. i have never been so serious in my life. i feel that i'm changing. for better for worse? i don't know. i'm not the person i used to be. the person with strong determination and willpower. the person who doesnt know how to give up.

now, i'm just someone who gives up easily, breakdown easily and i'm a damn bloody weakling already.

fuck.

i want my ego, which is gone. somewhere.

he smsed me last night. i've got mixed feelings about it. i was happy that he msged. but i keep fearing that he wouldnt reply my msg. the fear and the happiness. its making me nuts. it was kinda slow.. but, hopefully, i get what i'm hoping for.





and i personally love this one the best.




i don't fall in love that easily.
but once i do, i fall really hard.

gone case.

i'm not ready to grow up yet.
i'm not ready to be a year 3.
i'm not ready to be an adult.

i just feel like breaking down. life has taken its toll on me. it's really stressing me up. with school, with fyp, with my love life, and now with work.

i've never thought of work as stress until yesterday. Cik Jamilah wasnt around and we were dead short of manpower. and we cant rely on that stupid supervisor of ours. ass. and i had to do the job. and yeah, luckily faiz and aizad helped me out a bit, if not, i'd gone bonkers.

it's not fair. i'm only 18. cut me some slacccckkk!

i'm so tired of trying to please everyone but myself~! i need to be alone. i need to sort out my thinking.

it's weird that i'm feeling what i'm feeling.

the last time i felt this way towards somebody was with Amy. The fact that it took me months to forget about him. and now, i'm feeling it again. it's been a month. i can't seem to forget. and i don't feel like forgetting too.

every single day, i wish that he'd msg me. i wish that he'll call me or ask me what am i doing.. it just suck that he isnt and doesnt. i don't need anybody else for now. and i don't need any advices. just listen to me. i don't need advices. i just need someone to listen.

like farah once said, "don't fix me. just listen"

i watched "gurindam jiwa" ytd. and the character said, "luka di dahi boleh dinampak, luka di hati tiada siapa yang tahu"

which translate, "the pain on the forehead can be seen, but the pain in the heart, no one knows."

ok. i'm in a state of depression.

i'm going bonkers.

sloooowww dowwnnn.

i skipped Banking and Finance last week coz i was sick and down a fever of 38.8 degrees. and today i came to class and like, OMG. it's like, zaaaaaap. Fast forward. fed up sia. i'm like struggling in today's lesson.

i lost my wallet. i have no idea where i've lost it. okay. i do not want to remember things which stresses me up.

ohh whatever.

so anyway, i've checked out how many girls signed up for dikir. anddd.. i've got 12 girls. hehhehh. and that's for year 1s only.. i haven't tally the yr 2s and 3s in. all in all, i think i'm supposed to have a total of 25 manpower. i mean, womenpower. ahaha. okay cool.

this is like, sort of confirmed.

Rebanist: DEE.
Anak: LIYANA.

yay. haha.. and we make quite a good combination. ahha.


i've read the CV of the guy tat the guys are gonna use. Not that i don't know who they're using. i know him well. and i think, he's a good choice. a very good choice.

and his name?

Hairil Annuar.

bleaggh

okay blog, my leg is hurting. syiok sangat laaa main rebana. LOL.

went to meet Hairil last night at Bedok. I was so nervous i could puke. i have no idea why i was nervous actually. i was like, too excited to get the rebana. haha. So yeah, met him, got the rebana and the video for CDM'S performance. And we just sat down at Mac and talked la...

and the BURGAZI! he burped so loud larr can. malu sakkk. hahaha.

ya that's the burgazi i'm talking about. ahaha.

last night, he taught me how to play the rebana on the phone. hahaha.. cool arr. and during the SLA Fair just now, i practiced beat bodoh.. and i can roughly get it lar. =)

ok fyp.

random.

i actually realise that the video takes freaking long to load. geez. but oh wells, i have the whole day with me.

microeconomics.

daaaaaaang. thought it would be easy but it isnt. you need to do a lot of reading and a lot of understanding and reasoning. oh geez. but, luckily, i have Dee (Diyana) in my team coz she's like this person who's on the ball and get's u working and so yeah, haha.. i actually do understand quite a bit of the lesson but... i just need to do some reading up on some principles.

i need a change of blogskin.

anybody nice enuff to design for me? i'm just too lazy to design myself. lolz. i've no idea too. ohh whadddeerrhell.

the guys are having dikir training today. and so, i have to be there. and dan was asking me whether i have rotan. i don't. he told me to ask Hairil. So, yeah, i had to call him ytd. He doesn't have one too. and i told him lah, if he's free, he can come down to training today coz, i know we don't have any instructors yet and no one is so much experienced in dikir.

but yeah, well.. he's going to MOS today. tingling feeling of jealousy there.

and at night, we were msging about the whole dikir thingy and he was telling to play the rebana. and i was like, i'm not confident. and he gave me advises and stuff. and he said, "anything just msg me.. i'll guide from the back k dear.."

and i was like, a bit saddened by that lar.

siggghh.

end of the week. friday. end of week 1 of sch.

schedule check:
busy.

dates?
sorry. no time.

heart check:
hurting.

tummy check:
aching.

LOLLLL.

ok fineee.

his voice melts me still.

i was watching a video online.




his voice still melts me. his singing touched me.

yes, he knows i still love him. he still calls me his dear. but it's just that the situation doesnt permit us to be together. it's not that he was a bastard. he's the one which i felt most comfortable with. the only one which i actually dared to call sayang and dear. i am waiting for the time that we can be together again.

the word is wait.
like how he's waited for me since 2005.

and please, i do not want to be fixed. let me be myself. i don't like to be forced, to be nagged at, or anybody to change me. i hate mushy and romantic stuff. i am unpredictable. and no horny guys please. i am straightforward so accept that~

bingit lah when this kind of things happen.

i know you'll be reading this. don't force me. i don't like it. i'll delete your number. you don't have to call me anymore. we're miles different. we barely know each other. so, it's a goodbye.

geez, i found out that abang shahid is married (yeah that i know), has 1 kid, stays in jrg west and, he's the youngest son of the stall owner which my mum's family frequents. haji sharikin at jrg east. haha. what sheer co-incidence. haha.. and my mum actually got an invitation letter to his wedding last time. wahahaha. ok fineee. coincidence giler.

and pls, i do not have any feelings twds abang shahid ok. it's the same as how i anggap him, abang rafi and the abang2 at my workplace.

sometimes, i feel, i need not explain my stand. i have reasons. everything that happend has a reason to it.

hati direbut oleh seorang insan
yang pada dasarnya tidak ku kenal
pelbagai paksaan dan omelan
tidak senang pabila didengar

kucuba untuk memberi diri
kucuba untuk membuka hati
namun, tidak boleh aku beri
sesuatu yang tidak aku rasai

hati masih padanya
walau ku tau tidak akan bersama
tapi ku tidak tau mengapa
diri asyik teringat tentang dia

aku bukan merayu
cuma ingin luahkan isi hatiku
walau tersepit dlm kekalutan haru
aku masih mengingati mu

deeChiCka
hairilDiabz

backk.

I AM BACCKKK.

after being impatient for the past few hours with the network, i finally got a stable connection. geez. first days of school are always like that. hang, freeze, network connection. ouhh whateverr.

i actually have like, 5 classes. 1 for each day. and each day, it's a different class and all of them, are unfortunately at the same block, which is W5!!! wth. freaking far lahhh. i think it takes me at least 10 minutes to reach to class each day. goshhness. sucks aye.

okay so let's not talk about school anymore.

2 months of holiday. holiday? was it even a holiday for me? i managed to escape for 1 week from work and dikir trainings. now, that's holiday for me.

i worked like a dog.
no, i'm a female dog.
so yeah,
i worked like a bitch.

ahhaha. yeah i know. lame..

i think this holiday means a lot to me. learnt a lot, emotionally. i learnt that people can be two-faced and hypocrites and that office politics just sucks. some people may be all holy and religious but sometimes, they're just the most evil person around. it's just fucking stupid. stop the act siaa.

secondly, about the Piala Bintang Seni. or Seni Bintang. well, i just wanna thank these few who were there with me that day. Nadia, Fazliana and Shidah. Thanks for being with me when i was really down and got my dignity scarred. i love you girls.






yeah so, the girls.

when i was out from the grp, i sat amongst the crowd, watching the comp. and when it was CDM's turn, i looked for a friend. i asked him whether he was playing on this comp and he said no. i was like, okay.

and, well, he lied. he was the juara lahhh okaaay.

i was kinda happy for him coz he did good and i thought CDM should at least get top 3 sia. but well, they got 4th ah dengar2. and so then, i got back in the grp and then, after the performance, which i so totally do not want to think about anymore, i just changed and went out to meet my parents.

and i saw my friend. so, yeah, sindir lah kan.. "dgr2 org tu cakap tak main pe ni comp". haha.. stoned sia..

and yeah, 2 days later, he called me. and we talked. i haven't had a good conversation for a long time.

and, the most hurtful thing happend. yeah, well.. let that just be between me and him.

think about this phrase.

"When complications rise above love.."

yeah.

and i still love him.

sighness

i seriously miss serious blogging.

i've been blogging like meaningless post. and i've got the feeling that this is gonna be another meaningless post. rofl.

i miss work. like, really seriously. i haven't work since last sunday. went to sunway lagoon from monday to wednesday. thursday went out with the family to buy stuff. friday out to sentosa to bora bora. then to dikir training. today, dikir training from 11 am to 5.30 pm

I'M FREAKING SHAGGED LAH KAN.

seronok lah sangat..

i'll be working on monday. like, yeayy! COME ON DEE! LOLZ. siloso point! WOOHOO!! can see the abang shangri-la. ahaha. monday mr floppy hair won't be working. geez. so is abang rafi. and abang khai.

ohh wells.

see, meaningless post. i'll be damned. ahah.

argh.

i know he'd be working today. but i just don't know where he is now. i just wanna see him like, again. usually rangers would be passing by the beach and everything. but i don't see one at all. argh.

i feel like i'm desperate. i don't know why.

so, i'm at bora bora now. drinking vodkalime. gosh i miss that drink. and i need to puff puff too. i am becoming such a toot. hahaha.

ok gtg. training. hahaha.

hectic

life has been really hard for me these few weeks.

i found out mr floppy hair is married; thanks to my ranger uncle, who, had to tell me that. urggh.. i feel so freaking sucky. gossh.

net's been sucky. oh well.. it's macdonald's network, it's good enuff that they provided it for free. can't really complain much.

been to sunway lagoon recently. geez. was the worst trip that i've had in my life. it was crap. not fun. gee. we should really head somewhere apart from malaysia. it's boring me. really.

i am in need of someone in my life. someone new. won't somebody come forth?

LALALA

as you can see the time, it's waaay past midnight. and, i'm at work.

loll.

hurhur. cafe del mar had some kinda function. like, some dj is in town or something. not much crowd there actually. now, me and my pantats are slacking in the beach carpark office. hurhur, watching BHORAT. wth.

and recently, haha...

i was at workn when i saw the Mr Ranger. The one with floppy hair. =) and we didnt talk. i pretty much tried not to look at him though it was tuff. hahaha. and, when abang nazree's bus came in for Dolphin Lagoon, he was at the back. and i whispered to abang nazree "Shahid is at the back!"

and the bugger.. came out from his bus and actually signalled to him to give his number to me.

WHAT THE HELL!!

paiseh lahhh can.

then the evening, HE was talking to Abang Nazree and i had no idea what abang nazree said to him and abang nazree looked at me and said on the set, "you want or you don't want?"

arrrghh.

of course i wanttt. haha. but i said thanks eh.

and i asked abang nazree what he said to Mr Ranger. he said he can't tell me. wtf.

but i knew he said something about, "she wants to get to know you"

ARRRGHH.

i do. very badly. want to know you.

long silence.

so i haven't been updating.

net's been cut off at home and i've been freaking busy working these few days. now i'm at the beach carpark. huhu.. just finished drinking glen's. hahaha. dayymmn.

nothing much has been happening. dunno wad to update too.

so, yeah, when school reopen, that's when my next update is gonna be.

till then, take care.

think.

time check: 0420 hrs.

ahh yes. i'm still not asleep. not that i can't sleep. i think it sleepless nights always happen to me when my mind is clouded with things which i need to think about and things which i can't get off from my mind. thus, when my sleeping time has been altered, that means, i'll be suffering from humongous eyebags.

abang zaid expects an answer from me tomorrow. and, i only have a vague idea of the answer. he needs a definite answer. i'm gonna be screwed.

yes, he is trying to help me straighten out my thinking. it's just me who's been ignorant about it. that is so me. ignorant as always.

he asked me this.

"do you think you're prepared to be in a relationship? and, do you even think that you're prepared to fall in love?"

ohhh i hate it when someone knows me too well. coz they make me think of something which i don't ever wanna think.

he gave me 2 days to think about it. and it's due in less than 12 hours.

ahh well, he thinks that i'm in a state of denial. yesyes, i know i am. but it's for my own good. he says i'm being unfair to myself.

it's better that i be unfair to myself than i hurt myself.

okay, the whole thing came up because:

abang zaid thinks that i like shahid because he reminds me of amy. so, in actual fact, i don't really like shahid but i like amy. get the picture? pls try to get it coz it's hard for me to explain.

damn it.

i hate it when someone gives me a reality check.

i have to think of an answer like, real soon.

it's 0430 hrs. i'm supposed to wake up in 1 1/2 hrs. yeah geee. i'll be out of society today. will be stationed at the beach tram stop. yeah, like thanks eh cik jamilah.

oh fuck.

no sleep + beach tram stop = TOTAL DISASTER!

fuckfuckfuck.

i hate taking trains in the morning. BAHHHH~ the only route i can think of now is to take the train from lakeside to boonlay and bounce back to Outram.

it's so not gonna be my day.

hopefully, i get to see shahid. =)

ok. that's it. one stick and go to sleep and hopefully, wake up in time.

muchlove.

sighness

the story of the girl was lame. i guess. haha well. i don't know laaaaa.

amy called me just now. hurhur. gile. ingat funfair pe nak call2 org?? LOL! tu motor gi scrap sudah laaaa. kwangg3.. mengamuk seh member when i said that. wakakaka.

i'm like online at 1.23 am! like, miraculously i've got net.

work was fine. was at beach tram stop. geez.

didnt see Shahid today at work. haiiz. and my aunt said that my ranger uncle (her husband) told her that Shahid is a DKK. well, if you don't know, ask around. i've no idea too.

i am in utter boredom!

a story of a girl.

everybody has a story to tell.
everybody has a secret about themselves.

names have been changed to protect the identity of the people involved. (yeah right)

this. is the story of this girl.

this girl has a history waaay back.

Dec 2005. She got to know this guy named Tabby, who works as a ranger at her workplace, while she was getting to know James. So when 2006 came, she met James and they became a couple.

One day, She was hospitalised. James didnt visit her. Tabby did. It was the first time they met each other but she realised that she enjoyed spending time with Tabby more than James.

As her relationship went on, she realised that, she was much much closer to Tabby than James and she began having feelings for Tabby.

She was hospitalised again. and again, Tabby was there.

After a while, her relationship with James deteriorated because of her busy-ness and also because of her parents. James asked for a breakup soon after. She went berserk. She went nuts. she cried. and she cried. and she cried non stop.

but Tabby came in. Tabby talked to her and cheered her up. along with her other friends and family members, they cheered her up and got her back her strength.

and then, Tabby was gone. she didnt know where he went. she missed him so much. and one day he got back to her. he was different. like suddenly he gave her hope. and he dashed it.

but she guessed, her feelings have been in too deep that she kept on loving him.

and one day, when he said he was madly in love with a girl she knew, she cried. and she cried again. she thought,

"Why can't he realise that i'm the one who has been loving him all these while? and why does he keep letting himself get hurt by other girls?"

but, because she loved him, and she wanted him to be happy, she stuck on to him as his good friend. she would advise him, give him strength and make him happy so that he can go on with his pursuit on that girl, since he believed that he really loved her.

one night, Tabby came over to her place and they decided to slack at the void deck. so she brought over her guitar and let Tabby play her guitar. and she teared. Tabby was hurt. She was certain of it. He looked angry but in fact, he was hurt.

At that time, it was hard for her too.

Her friend. His friend. Az told her that he loved her all these while and was pestering her to get into a relationship with him. But she couldn't bring herself to. She loved Tabby.

It was a confusing scene for her. Az loved her. She loved Tabby. Tabby loved the other girl.

She rejected Az but only to know that he made a rumor about her and told Tabby about it. 2 am, she received the meanest message from Tabby, saying good luck in her relationship. She was so fucked up. She tried all sorts of ways to get the message across that she wasnt attached.

and she said this to Tabby..

"why can't u realise that i'm the one who has been loving u all along?"

and he said.

"i don't know why until now, we can't be in a relationship"

she cried. it hurts her too bad. and she realised, thats it. it hurts too much.

so she fell silent. she didnt contact him anymore. it was for a few months, until he came online and told her that he was sack from his workplace.

and that was the end of them.

until recently, she was at work. and she saw this ranger at her workplace. and she teared seeing him.

she thought, it was Tabby. But when she came over to talk to him, it wasn't. His name was Sam. He looked like Tabby, talked like Tabby.

and now, she realised, she likes Sam.

She doesnt know, whether she is in a state of denial. whether, her feelings for Sam was because he reminded her of Tabby.

But the thing that hurt her the most, was that she knew Tabby but she barely know Sam. that hurts her the most.

and now, all is left to fate.

much love,
ChiCka

sooo happy lahhh.

like, i am so happy~

wheee.

yesterday, after wasting $7 on a stupid movie, (the last king of scotland), i went to sentosa to find Abang Nazree. but only to know that he didnt come for work coz he overslept. lolz. okay so, Nazmi and Taufiq were there. and they were like, asking me to go and watch the soccer match lah that they were gonna play under sentosa.

and their excuse was:

"SHAHID is gonna be there!!"

i'm like, thanks eh!

geez. but yeah lah.. i followed them to the ranger station to wait for Abang Nazree. Okay so he came, and.. guess what??

Shahid was in the van as well.

hahaha.. like crap kan?? but he went down at the merlion bus stop to take the express out to vivo coz his bike is there. so yeah, then we met again at the PSA Club's pitch.

and i watched THEM play. haha. please eh. i didnt just watch him play. i watched the rest as well.

OHHHH!

he's a LEFT-LEGGER LIKE ME!!!!

whooooooo!

lolz. okay so screw. i was blushing half the time and i was so unlike myself. i was quiet. hahaa.

so yeah, hahaha. =)

the only question.

WHAT'S WITH ME AND RANGERS??

nyahhahaha.

FUCCCK

BLOODY FUCKKKKK!!!

i kena fine $50 siakk for smoking at the overhead bridge. bloody ass of a security guard. fucking cheebye!!

fucked up giler man. it's just a first warning wad.. fuck. ok so fuck. i don't wanna think about it.

my weekend was great i guess. had soccer on saturday morning. yeah. and we lost. howells, so much for soccer. and work, was ok on saturday. nothing much happend.

but on sunday, i was so happyyyy lah..

ok, so i met Fadli at Harbourfront at 9. then, we started work at 10 but we reached Siloso Point at 10.30. and when i was teaching Fadli the stuff about Siloso Point, the Ranger came. and i had no idea why, i turned my head and looked at him all the way till he stopped his bike. fuck. i made it look so obvious. i mean, like, c'mon lahhh. its been a month since i last saw him.

and, when i went for the 1.30 dolphin show, he was there. omggggg.

and, i saw him like, from time to time lah.

abang zaid didnt help much too. he finally knew who i was referring to. and he wanted to get his number for me. and i was like, no way! like, maluuuu lah. and he said,

"abang tgk dian terlompat2 biler nampak dia. muka merah2, kalahkan clown!"
(whenever u see him, i'll see you jumping around, and u'll blush. even clowns will lose out!)

thanks eh!

then, he called me up when i was busy.. and you know what he said...

"Dian.. he's right in front of me.. your pretty boy.. cute nye dier.. so handsome.."

i was like.. WAHLAO EHHHH!

geeez!

then, after work, my parents wanted to pick me and my ranger uncle up. so, i said, i'll wait at the ranger station (was hoping that i could see him lah.) but well, i didnt.

howells... that's it. i won't be able to see him in a long time.

and not that it helped that my uncle also mentioned Thabri's name in front of me. haha. and i said to my uncle at the ranger station, in front of the k-9 dog:

"si Shahid looks like Thabri."

and the dog suddenly barked non-stop.

so my uncle said: "jangan cakap nama Thabri depan dia. Dia takleh dengar nama Thabri".
(don't say Thabri's name in front of him. He can't hear Thabri's name)

LOL. whatever eh.

but like, i' feeling down uh. i don't know. whenever i think about him, i feel... helpless. low self-esteem. haiiz. i don't know lah eh.

gonna skip 3rd meeting tmr to go to Sentosa.

haiiiz.

and ohhh.

i wanna buy that top! but, i just don't want it to make my boobs jut out so much.

but i bought this top at forever 21.




and yeah, loookkkk!!! my new helmet~!

ok done. see y'all.

heex.

Sandybobandy's display pic is superrrhot. hahaha. yeah2, she likes looking sexy. HAHA.

i am superhungry lah can.

ahh so anyways, people, when you look at the pics on the right side, don't think that Irfan's my boyfriend okay. He's just a very close friend. that's all. nope, not my boyfriend. and nope, i do not have a boyfriend. =)

i'm hating my faci. i'm hating the module.

and, i'm hungry.

baaaaaah.

soccer training today!! goshh. it's been ages since i last played soccer laaah. last year was like, the last time i played soccer. ishishish. i'm freaking rusty already. but i guess sid and the gang have faith in me thats why they're asking me to play. i'm not hoping for anything much, i'm just gonna have fun. =)

lunch, pls.

thankyouverymuch.

i had this.





i know, it doesnt look that nice. it doesnt taste very nice either. but, well, it did made me full.

and...

I LOVE TODAY BECAUSE WE CAM-WHORED!!

Me and Farah and Syasya cam-whored today.. =)

These were from my handphone cam.


looking freakingly pale


see, i know they lupp me the many2. hahs.


this one, i like.


sungguhfake.com


very the boncet lah can. hurhur


heh


yours truly

ok now, for the pics in syasya's hp.


pretty? i know.


syasya doesnt want to stop kissing me. =p


i like this one too


stiff sia.


=)


hug2


awak nak kiss?


apeje


pretty picture


boncet again


shake that booty


yours truly,
ChiCka
so anyway, i dreamt of,

Mr Traffic Management Ranger. GOSSH. i dreamt of Shahid. I guess i havent seen him for such a long time then, wahlao, the dream was soooo vivid lah.

crapness..

for the first time, i'm seriously happy to get my period. =)
happy but wrong timing. iyo. =/