Whee!

I'm like soooo happy!! hehe... Yesterday after school i met him!! whee!! hurhur... it's like a dream come true..

Ok so, after sch, went to Sengkang to meet him. It was raining so heavily that i got my shirt were totally wet.. Hehe... Snuggled on to him, so comfy and warm.. haha... Missed him so much that i was totally clinging on to him the whole time.. We took a bus to Yishun.. hmm.. watched Young Lions vs Geylang at the Yishun stadium.. Halftime, we went out and nv came back.. hehe... so we sat at the void deck and we talked and talked..

I can say that i've gone thru a lot of things with him and with him, i learnt wad sacrifices are and i made sacrifices. Loads of tears and heartbreak, yeah i noe.. but still, he's always been there for me when i needed him and he never gave up on me.. that's what i told him even b4 i stead with him... i need someone who will always be there for me, to lead me to the right path and never to give up on me... and he's done that... i'm just happy with that...

If i ever lose him, it's either i go back to my old kJ ways or just stay single and not move on.. well, kJ is actually a concept that me and my best friend Ridz adopted.. It's actually kaki jantan.. which is translated to english, would be man-niser.. haha... opposite of womaniser laa.. haha... in a way, it's abt getting to noe guys, bastarding them and cheating them.. i was like that last time.. sigh...

But i've changed totally after i met Ayul... Honestly i did... Ridz should noe how flirty i was last time... but now, i'm a one man girl baby! haha... He's all that i think off... its true that he is addictive... hehhe.. sigh... i can go on and on abt our bittersweet relationship... love him to bits!!! aaahh!! haha...

Bored Laa

Haiz.. Just not in the mood today.. Even though Communications is like, my fav module, I totally have no mood for it. Erk.. Sorry Ashz, Sam, Yong Quan and Chan... Just push me to work k and ask for my opinion.. Even tho i'm not in the mood, just ask.. This applies to everyone else who're in my team for other modules..

Been quiet the whole morning. I dunno if me and him are going to watch soccer later. Sigh.. I told him i'll be alone coz Maz cant come and that i have 2 more tickets. And his reply was, "Confirm later. Ask another couple arh."

I mean, what the heck. What was that supposed to mean? Is he coming along with another couple or he's not coming and i'm going with another couple? Aaah!! Pissed me off man... Haiz...

I was at the bus stop opposite Redhill Mrt Stn this morning, looking at the blocks (void decks of the blocks actually) where i always spend my time with Farizan and also Ayul when they came down here. Reminisce the times with them.

And i began to wonder, what if I had go on with Farizan instead of Ayul that time (Ashz, Md Noor, Mazlinda, Ashrul... U guys noe wad i mean...) Would I be happier? Would he have made me happy?? I honestly have lost my feelings for Farizan and i'm totally into Ayul. But i'm just wondering all this. Farizan has hurt me and i gave him back wad he did to me. I dun regret that actually. All i noe is that my heart is totally to Ayul and there's no doubt abt that,

Anyway, back to Ayul. Sigh.. I dunno for how long both of us can hold on. We keep giving in to each other's attitude. It's like, he thinks that i've been giving him loads of attitude. I'm just afraid that he cant stand it anymore and will leave me..

I am so feeling insecure this few days and i have no idea why. Maybe because of Rassida, the girl in his class?? Haiz.. Yeah... I'm just being sooo paranoid. Shucks... Haiz...

Shooo!! Not in the mood now...

I Need You

Oh God please... I dun want anymore arguements with him.. It hurts me to see us like this.. I cant help but feel helpless when this happens.. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it when u're unhappy with me or that i'm the cause of ur moodiness... I tried my best to make u happy but y does it seem that my best isnt enuff to u?? I dun want to make myself worthless to u baby, y cant u understand that?

I cant help feeling helpless when u're with her... Yeah sure, classmates... But how do u think i'd feel if u see her everyday and u refuse to spend any time with me?? Its not fair... Its just not fair.. Pls dun make me seem worthless to u.. How can u be unhappy with me just because of her, because of them? Are they more important to u than I am??

It's really killing me inside. I wanna make u happy and forever loved. But how can i when i cant meet u and spend time with u? I feel so hopeless that i'm not able to do all that now.. Baby please drop the deal. I'm begging u... I really cant go on without meeting u for another month. I cant do it. I'm not strong enuff to face this.

I miss ur touch. I miss ur kisses. I miss ur hugs.

I MISS YOU. I NEED YOU. I WANT YOU TO BE WITH ME.

I LOVE YOU.

That's all that i'm feeling right now. I love u so much. I love u more than i love myself. I just want u to be happy with me. It really hurts me that i cant be there for u when u're in need. It hurts me that i cant be there to give u a hug when u're feeling down. Or even a kiss when u need it.

I'm desperate baby.

I LOVE YOU.

Love Me No More

Love Me No More - Bardot

I toss and turn in bed
Can't get you out of my head
Even though you're so far away

I need you here with me
Oh boy, why can't you see
That I can't live without your love

When I close my eyes I think of you
Well I wish I had you here with me
But there's nothing I can do, oh oh

(chorus)
Counting every day that goes by
And the tears that I cry (tears that I cry)
You don't wanna love me no more

Wish that you could hold me tonight I'm hurting inside
Cause you don't wanna love me
Cause you don't wanna love me
Love me no more

I tried to call your phone
But you ain't been at home
I need to find out where you are

So I can make you see
That you belong with me
For me there is no other love

When I close my eyes I think of you
I wish I had you here with me
But there's nothing I can do, oh oh

(Repeat Chorus)

All I know is that I can't live without you
Ooh, but I wanna know What made you feel this way
I'll be right here for you (right here for you)
And everything that you do (thing that you do)
But how can I get close to you
When you don't feel the way I do, ah hah

I gotta thank Ashz for introducing me to dis song...

It's soooo sweet, so touching and really made me cry...

herh

Ok.. Didnt go to school today.. Hey! It wasnt on purpose... Sigh.. I was totally ok in the morning... Msging with him and stuff... The next thing i knew, I nearly blanked out at Commonwealth...

Sigh.. Went home after that... Felt bad though... Coz I stuff to do for Drama today... Haiz... Sorry peeps...!!!

sTiLL eXhausted

Finally i'm having time off tml, err... today i mean.. hehe... its like, 1 am now laa actually... cant really sleep.. lol..

I really had a bad week dis week..sigh... I think i had 5 arguements/quarrel wit Ayul dis week.. haizz... sucks laa... really hate it when he's mad at me... den again... he was unreasonable... and i cant keep quiet when i was mad... and i guess my reply was rather rude instead of sarcastic... and we end up quarelling more... but den, we're ok now...

It's just that... well.... he's started skool in ITE Tampines... and he's been telling me abt dis girl in his class... and i'm just really infinitely jealous abt it laa... dunno how it came abt... but i'm definitely jealous at the fact that he gets to see her everyday and me???? i dun wanna start.... i miss him sooooo much.... its been, like, 3 weeks i havent meet him... sobz.... i miss him like crazy arhh....

*REALLY REALLY SOBZ*

Ok.. shall not talk abt dis anymore.. haha... anyway, work was ok just now... dunno y they always depend on me.. and i had to shuffle between dolphin lagoon and uww... and i was the last to go home... haiz... and i'm like flat but not out yet... hehe... and the pakcik2 drivers are calling me DIAN MATAKUCING.. which means, DIAN CATS'EYES.. hahaa... coz, i just bought COLOURED CONTACT LENSES!!!! hehe... so happy!! and i wore it on friday too... and they started calling me that... teehee.... aiyahh.. nth much happened at work... just that i found out ppl are asking silly qns today... i mean, more silly qns... ergh... irritated just nw...

hehe... miss my boo so much arhh... haiz... nvm.. will meet him soon.... I HOPE! haizz.... Love him to bits...

Somebody

Somebody is very proud of you.
Somebody is thinking of you.
Somebody is caring about you.
Somebody misses you.
Somebody wants to talk to you.
Somebody wants to be with you.
Somebody hopes you aren't in trouble.
Somebody is thankful for the support you have provided.
Somebody wants to hold your hand.
Somebody hopes everything turns out all right.
Somebody wants you to be happy.
Somebody wants you to find her.
Somebody is celebrating your successes.
Somebody wants to give you a gift.
Somebody thinks that you ARE a gift.
Somebody hopes you're not too cold, or too hot.
Somebody wants to hug you.
Somebody loves you.
Somebody admires your strength.
Somebody is thinking of you and smiling.
Somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on.
Somebody wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun.
Somebody thinks the world of you.
Somebody wants to protect you.
Somebody would do anything for you.

And that somebody is me... I would do anything for you baby.. u now i will.. I love u so much... Much more den I love myself...

I LOVE U...

erm

It's 3.10 in the morning.. hehe.. just changed my skin... haha... its so lovey dovey.. hehe.. the last skin was abt being alone... I AM NOT ALONE... (for now tt is).. so its not really appropriate la.. hehe... but i still like Khairuls' skins though.. Lol..

Ayul's just started skool dis week.. Hmm... Dunno how i'm feelin abt tt... But i'll be lying if i say i'm not jealous la.. Haiz... But like i said to him.. I'll leave it to him to think.. I trust him too much... hmmm...

I'm just feel guilty of being too bz.. i'm scared tt he will feel neglected or smt... haizz... tts the reason Y i try to make my nites free so i can talk to him... it's already bad enuff tt i'm not able to meet him for another 1 mth and 2 wks.. sigh...

MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!

It's killing me... No kisses, no hugs, no Him by my side for a long time.... shucks.. aahhh!!! Stress sakk... hahah... but well, at least he calls me ah... tts gd enuff..

I LOVE HIM OH SO MUCH!!!

Time Management Sucks

I'm totally shitty in time management... Always have something to do or commitments everyday.... crap... work, drama, ambassadors, ndp rehearsals, hip hop dance, etc..... shucks... i dunno which one shld i prioritise... so many activities and yet no time... huackz..!!! *sobz*

HOW????!!!!! I want to take part in everything but i just dun haf the time to!!! and i nd work to have money to go out and buy new stuff!!! wahlao!! dis drama is eating up a lot of my time also la... NDP too... but den, drama is onli up till july... haiz... i nd hip hop dance too coz i havent been going to them... I PAID $70 goddamnit!! haizzz....

I NEED MORE TIME!!!!

Overexhaustion

I AM EXHAUSTED!

Sigh.. I dunno wad's up wit me.. SA Camp ended like, last last Friday, den weekends work, Monday school, den went to Indonesia, came back Saturday, den Sunday work.. And will be schooling till late later.. Tomorrow, Wednesday work, Thursday school, Then straight work till Sun, Monday new term starts

Sheesh... No rest... But i'm loving it anyway..been keeping me busy... Occupying my time and stuff.. But as long as i'm enjoying myself, hey... it's fine babY!!

Heheh.... Work was Ok just now... 2 new guys joined... Khai and Hafsyah... Khai is KC and Roger's fren.. while Hafsyah is Aishah's bf... Khai is ok ar... frenly... i wont go into Hafsyah coz i didnt bother muttering a word to him...

Got slammed by a tour guide just nw... IDIOT!! Made me so pissed... I was at the VAC since i started and went straight to VDC... BORING SIAL!!! haizz... i wanna go UWW or Dolphin Lagoon... Fun ar.. ehehe... sigh... cant sleep... haha... nvm...

WILL UPDATE SOON.. PROMISE!

Freaky

Sigh... Just came back from Indonesia yesterday... Didnt really have much fun there... Coz, u noe... it's a kampung and i'm not really used to it.. Should i spare u the details..??? hmm... guess not!!! AHAHA....

Ok, so the toilet is the squatting type... and the floor is cement... it was sooo slimy and icky.. and the toilet is those kind that goes directly to the sea... so eww.. and my bros were swimming near that area.. SICK!!! imagine if somebody pooped and u were swimming ard that area... YUCKS!!!!

No electricity in the morning... electricity onli came after 6pm.. and there were totally nothing for me to do... going out of the house means getting us looked at... i mean, when me and my cousins were out, everybody looked at us.. ergh.... leering eyes... gross....

It was pretty much boring... there was dis day that almost everyone except me, my cousin Nor and my aunt and her baby were out to the island across... and all 4 of us slept the whole day!!! haha... we had the whole house to ourself..hehe.. now tt was fun! haha..

Cheerios...

11 signs

11. You'll read his/her sms over and over again...

10. You'll walk really really really slow while you'rewith him/her...

9. You'll feel so shy whenever you're withhim/her...

8. While thinking bout him/her...your heart will beatfaster and faster...

7. By listening his/her voice..you'll be smilling byyour-self...

6. While looking at him/her..you cant see the otherppl around you...you can only see that person...

5. You'll start listening 2 love songs.

4. You'll really really like love songs...

3. You'll get high just by his/her smell...

2. You'll realise dat you're alwayz smilling to your-self..

1. You'll do anything for him/her


and that's when i noe...
i'm really in love with him....

Insecurities

I'm just feeling so insecure today.. shucks.. it's all that din's fault... din is Ayul's friend, btw... i mean, yeah i noe i shouldnt haf sent him that testimonial... but then, in was just joking on the things i said.. he got so defensive and called me names... like, whatever....

but stuff which he said really hurt me bad... like: "kau dah tak lawa tu nk step jambu".. which means, act chio buay chio... sigh.. i mean i realise i'm not that pretty but u dun haf to tell me straight in the face u noe... shucks.. and i've nv acted as if i was pretty... sigh... and he was went abt:"i noe wad u guys do and stuff..." wtf... and he said me and Ayul tak setaraf... erm, like... not equal... some sorta status kinda thing... wad the heck!

I dunno wad i did to him that made him so anti-me.... all because i'm not pretty??? haizz... tt is so dissapointing... how can he judge me by just my appearance??? i did nth to him and he was the one hu msged me first in friendster...

And because of his crude remarks, i'm actually getting insecure abt stuff... it kinda made me think y Ayul chose me among other girls.. i mean, he can get better and prettier girls wad... y the heck did he chose me??? honestly, i do admit that i'm just average and simple.. i try my best to be stylish... but i'm not up there yet... i just feel insecure.. heck! haizz... i really love Ayul and i just dunno how i'll move on in life w/o him by my side... haizz...

i'm wondering y alot of ppl are against our relationship... dunno wad went wrong... haiz...

But i noe dis...

I LOVE AYUL!!!

Exhaustion

Sigh... I havent had enuff rest these past few days... Freaky how i can hold on for this long... Haiz... Just came back from work... Yes... i'm working... in SENTOSA as usual... they gave me a 2nd chance.. I'm just so glad to be working... Although its so damn freaking tiring... sigh...

But den, haizz... venga was there... irritating fella... keep saying abt last time... fuck... i dun wanna remember that i stead with him... wad the heck... i stead with him for one day only sia... and he made it sound as if i've been with him for so long... heck... whatever... i so dun like him... urgh...

i'm like freaking tired arh... nothing much ah anyway... just worked like mad.. didnt get enuff rest... made new friends...

AND DEAD TIRED....!!!!

and...

I LOVE AYUL!!

ExhausteD Like Heck

Sheesh... Just came back from the SA Camp.. Well... SA is actually Students Ambassador in RP.. It's a CCA ar, which is kinda cool I think... It's like a leaders kinda thing u noe.. SA represent the school in events and also organises events and stuff... We also do emcee-ing... which is like, really fun...

And the people there were super cool ppl... Especially mah Wackoz.. Hahah... Had so much fun and we did a lot of crazy stuff... Hahaha.... Whee... Sheikh was there.. Didnt talk much to him but i dun really like his team... There're that bitchy mcdonald's girl and that banana guy.. Yucks... Autocratic ppl pisses me off... Haiz.. And then there was this really cute councellor.. hahaha...nahh... most of the councellors are cute la.. reall!! Dino, Ken, Ernest... Hmm... Who else.... ooo... My fav. are Zack and Darren.... Hahaha... Really cute... haha...

I'm shagged... Hahaah.... Update later yepp..

Never Be Replaced 2

I love him... I love him more than i love myself... I noe he makes me mad a lot of times, but i just love him so much... Too much, i would say... Sigh... There're's just isnt anybody like him... His Belo-ness is someone i really respect and am totally in love with... Hehe... I've gone thru so much to save our relationship and i'm not going to give it up now.. I noe a lot of people are against our relationship.. But i dun care.. I mean, even if someday if we break, i want it to come from him and not from me.. I love him too much and i cant bear to leave him.. All the sacrifices both of us made and all the memories are too precious to let it all go...

Tomorrow'll be 3 weeks that i'll be with him and all i can say is that I'm really happy with him... He's funny, protective (over protective sometimes), easy going and dis is the quality that i want that has been redundant because i can never find it in my exes ---

THE ABILITY TO CONTROL ME WHEN I'M OVER THE LIMITS

He's the only one who managed to do that.. I mean, if my ex tries to do that, i'll usually retaliate... But him, i dun dare to... He actually reminds me of my dad... He'll always wanna win in arguments... But when he's wrong, he'll admit it the next day... i just dun wanna lose him and..

I LOVE AYUL!!!

Never Be Replaced

I dun wanna lose him please... Please dun separate me from him...

I never thought it would end up like this.. I chose him over the job.. But i told my parents i'd be working.. I went out with him to sentosa of all the places.. I really had fun with him the whole day... We went to the Southernmost Point.. Walked from Pahlawan to Siloso, to Ferry Terminal and back to VAC.. We sat at the ferry terminal area, along the seaside, and talked.. And reflected wad he's done and he admitted that he made a mistake in not letting me work.. And we talked about us, and abt life.. Even though i complained about him alot, i just love him so much.. That day was memorable and that night was a night which i would never forget..

Because of other reasons as well....

My parents picked me up from Harbour Front Int... And i got in the car, i got whacked in the head 3 times.. Hit the seatbelt thing at the side.. Bled... I guess they found out... I've got nothing to defend myself... Chua accidentally told them abt it... Haiz... Then at home, i got scolded, insulted and whole lotta other things... They said i was cheap, and fucking other stuff... Insulted me and Ayul... Forced me to choose between school and him.. I cant.... I cried the whole night... Cant think of my life w/o him...

I LOVE AYUL!!!

bingit sakkk~~!!!!

I am so pissed off with Ayul today. I mean, i noe that we're supposed to go out tml.. But i had to cancel last minute coz of the job. Sigh.. I've been waiting for dis job for, like, 2 months.. And he's not being understanding about it.. He even forced me to choose between him and the job. Fuck... Either way i''ll lose... I want both... Haiz... In the end, i chose him over the job.. I dunno wad i was thinking... It's just that, i love him too much la... I'll give in dis time... Anw, he sarificed for me his job too... and i just wanna return the favour...

Ouhh Really?? Thank You!

Haha... talked to Ashrul on the fon yesterday... First time... Hehe... He's a really nice guy la.. So sweet... Hahaha... Talks a lot also, like me... Hehehe... Like, nice to talk to him... And he blew up coz his fren used his num to get to noe me... Lol... Kecoh arh wit him... He's a certified good fren of mine already... Whee...

Hmm... Went out wit AYul yesterday.. It was brief la.. Typical stuff... Den he told me abt his ex who wanted him back and actually taking him as her bf already.. I was like, damn bloody furious... And he didnt wanna tell her that he's attached to me coz he's afraid that he will break her heart coz her bro's getting married dis weekend.. He wanna tell her after that... But the thing is, she thinks of him as her boyfriend... and calling him hubbie and stuff... Gosh... SO IRRITATING!!! Fucker bitch...

Sigh...

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! I'VE GOT A JOB ALREADY!!! GUESS WHERE???? SENTOSA!!!!! I'M LIKE FREAKINGLY EXHILIRATED AND OVERJOYED!!!! Hahha... But nw, i'm under carpark marshall ah... Sigh... I miss my old monorail days.. Shucks... Miss everyone there...

1. Aiman - The gilerest of the gilers... haha.... So fun to talk to him although he's the last one that i got to noe there
2. Hasyer - Mr Usher... Used to like him.. He's a nice guy... Really2 nice and sweet.
3. Ismail - The Americano... Hahaa... I like to argue wit him.. coz he's got a super cool American accent
4. Kadir - My shortee cousin... hehe.... crazy fella...
5. Shuhail - The Cute One... Haha... Girls just go gaga over him, except me...
6. Kasturi - Chua's daughter... ahha.. no la... she's just close wit chua
7. Ganesan - Kasturi's boyfriend... always wit his middle finger
8. Anis - Disappearing ACT... haha... always schooling
9. Razak - Papa Bear.. Cool guy... SUPER COOL wit a SUPER FOUR.. haha
10. Zuraidah - The Shortest but Eldest.. She's completely mental... haha
11. Rajesh - The "SENSIBLE" one... Not really... he's insane!!!
12. Uncle Naga - Fierce!! Still cool
13. Kak Raf - The coolest of the coolest kakak!! haha

Guess there's some m0re but i'm kinda lazy to type them all... Hahaha.... But tml, me, A CARPARK MARSHALL????? tts different.... haiz... working wit the likes of Aisyah, Skip, Kai, Venga and the rest.... Sigh... But there's still SHULHUL!!! Yay!! He's a pal.. Totally cool n decent guy.. Hahha...

CANT WAIT FOR TML!!!!

Case of The Exes

OH MY GOD!!! Why must dis happen to me again.. Please dun put me in a spot again.. Yesterday nite i quarreled wit Ayul because of Faizan... Or Farizan or whatever his name is.. Coz i went to Faizan's profile in friendster and found out abt the name diff.. so i told Ayul abt it and he blew up at the fact that i went to Faizan's profile.. That was that... I dunno if he's still mad at me coz he hung up in a huff..

After he hung up, my hp screen showed "3 messages received" Crap! Haiz... i thought it was Ashrul... So, ok la.. didnt actually thought much of it.. Den i saw.. All 3 messages were from Md Noor... Quite happy that i saw his name on my mobile.. B4 dis, he actually msned me when i fell asleep beside my laptop... It was onli when Ayul called me later den i woke up and saw that he and fitria msned me.. wanted to reply but he was already offline... sigh... but when i saw his msg, i was like so bloody fucked up... Didnt noe what i did for him to say something like that..

He said:

"I noe u haf a guy orready so dun be arrogant. If no reply come from u then consider this the last sms that u will receive from (me). I've had enuff of being ignored. I noe i'm no meaning to u orready and my smses are worthless. Up to u, u decide the fate. No matter what, I'll still lose. Dun use the xcuse of batt weak coz tt's impossible as u can sms/call other's day in, day out."

i mean, wtf!! wad did i do?? I really do not need dis from him.. He's like, my bestest of my best friends... Y would i wanna ignore him? He should noe me well wad... Fuck la... WHY??? I replied him and got back a msg... Probably Nazri or Nazrul msged me back.. I dunno... Sigh...

It was like, 1 am when I receive a call.. From this guy at the jYc.. youth centre.. Azhaari... He asked me if Shaffie could call me and i was like, huhh??? All of a sudden?? Den Shaffie called me after a whole month he didnt.. He said he lost his hp and he dun remember my num.. He tried asking ard for my num and no one knew (fair enuff). In the end he got it from Khalil (who took my num from the logbook and passed it ard). He gave it to Shaffie 3 days ago... Remember Shaffie??? The hip hop guy.. The one i had to let go of my feelings because of Faizan... Hmm.. Try my May archives if u dun remember.. He says he still likes me and thinks of me.. And i was like, shucks..! he asked me if i have a bf, and i had to say yes.. i cant lie anymore and i didnt want him to hope for me anymore.. I felt sooo bad... He searched hi and lo for my num and still likes me.. When he got my num after a mth, he found out that i'm attached.. I feel soooo bad! Now, he says he wanna wait for me.. I dun want him to do that!!

HELPLESS......

Why must 3 guys create trouble for me in one night??? wahlao ehh.. I really dunno how to react to all dis... Haiz.....