Janji Diana

last night i watched one of my favourite malay movies.

Janji Diana.

It was touching lah.. It's about this girl named Diana who can ride superbikes and she anti-guys because something happend in the past and also because of her dad. She went through so much in life. She's like, so not feminine. And then she met this guy Haikal who showed her the meaning of life, and made her change. But sadly, in the end Haikal died because he was trying to get revenge from Ijoy who raped his sister and also Diana.

Then i was thinking, i want a guy who will do that to me. Someone who can bring me down to earth and will help me change myself for the better. Someone who will be strict with me and hopes that i will be a good person and also, someone who will not use me to their advantage (get what i mean in this?)

But then, i thought again. Everytime i get to know a guy, i will be quick to judge. And if it happens that i don't like him, i'll give em the silent treatment. And if the guy ever wants to change me, i'll get pissed off. So, please tell me how the heck can i get the sort of guy i want, when, i'm the one pushing the person away? Lol.. I'm a contradiction.

I admit that I was a, urhm.. Bitch? no. Playgirl? Sounds wrong. HMM.

Let me just have a reflection of my life.

2005.

Chey.. Got internet already. Got to know different kinds people when i entered poly. Chat here, chat there.. Got introduced to Anak Melayu. Lols. It was crazy. I knew lots of guys then. My first chat boyfriend was Farizan. Lasted a few weeks. Then it was Ayul. That was the craziest time i had. 5 months with him. Then after we broke up, it was like, disastrous.

I think i was hanyut already at that time. I've got 3 boyfriends of whom i've never met before. But of course not at the same time lah. Damn2 crazy.

Then i stayed single for a while.

Only when i met someone (you know i know lah horzxz. LOL) in January 2006, Then, i changed a bit. Dunno for the good or for the worse. Haha. But i think for the good lah. I've never felt so loved like that before.

But of course, i couldn't keep up with the relationship because, one thing, i was too busy. 2nd, my relationship was deteriorating. We never have time for each other. It was sad laaaah. Like, cannot meet your boyfriend. But well.. What to do..

i remember, 2 days after we broke up. i cried till i went half insane. screaming and throwing my things, remembering all the memories and the promises. and the i love yous. it really hurt me bad lah. and i didnt go to school for 2 wks some more.

man that was crazy. like, seriously. i don't even know how i ended up like that. but then, i picked myself up again. i have to move on. and I DID!! hehh.

and i fell again. like nangka busuk. LOL.

Because of urhm. Mr Ranger. HAH well, i shan't remember what happened because it was fukken complicated.

then i went through lots of shit. broke down like dunno how many times.

and now, here i am.

it's hard to define the situation or the character i am now. i don't know lah. i just don't wanna fall in love.

firstly, if i get into a relationship now, my relationship with my parents will definitely suffer. i don't like it. i'm just so tired of arguing and quarrelling and lying to them. enough is enough.

secondly, i don't have time. really. tuesdays, wednesdays, thursdays are for Drama. Saturday Sundays are for work. So i'm left with Mondays and Fridays, which, i might just finish school at 5.

thirdly, i'm scared of commitment, hurt, and i'm totally not ready for a relationship right now. i'm just scared.

the fear of it.

but of course, when i went to Nami's friendster profile, i was like, AWWW. SO SWEET. haha. i still have feelings okay even though i'm as Snow Queen as it is. LOL.

okeh lah. going for lunch with sandy bo bandy. =p

toodles.