JANGKIT

You Would Choose Money

You know that love doesn't always last forever - but money can. Why bother with jealousy, petty fights, and hurt feelings? You rather just go shopping! And while marrying for money may be lonely, you'll always be well dressed, well traveled, and well fed.

Would You Choose Love or Money?

You Are Very Happy Being Single

You're not anti-relationship. You just don't need one to be content. You find plenty of happiness from your life as it is. And if you find someone you love, then that's just icing on an already decadent cake!

Are You Happy Being Single?

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace. You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions. You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected. It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional. You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others. While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well. At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything. You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams. You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

You Are 95% Burned Out

You are extremely burned out. You work too hard, and you're not getting the results you deserve. It's time for a life change, as soon as you can manage it. You're giving away most of your energy to something you don't even enjoy.

Are You Burned Out?

You Are Really Not Happy

You may have noticed that things aren't going too well for you lately. Your life never used to be like this, but it seems like happiness is slipping away from you. You definitely need a change, because whatever you have going on isn't working. It's time for you to shake things up - even if it means totally changing your life path.

How Happy Are You, Really?

HAHA.

Damn bored lah can? Geez.. Jangkit survey from the Endang girls. Lolz..

Anyway, training has been really intensive these few days. But the girls have been doing great.. I'm really proud of them actually. At least they take the initiative to learn.

And there're a few, who.. kinda disappoint me abit. Let's not mention names. But, i really do not appreciate people who are not humble and don't take iniative. And, please remember, you're not experienced, you gotta ask and learn. And, i hate know-it-alls. When someone teach, you listen. And try to improve. Don't say you can do it and still, give the same.

Okay, need to go for meeting. Ciao.

grrr.

seriously. i cried teared.

how idiotic can someone be? telling me that he's migrating and never coming back. and how idiotic can it be, when that someone, is the one you love?

and can u imagine the whole situation which i thought?

"someone you love is going to migrate and never coming back."

bitch.

its enuff already that i lost him emotionally. i'm not gonna lose him physically. not anymore.

and i teared, wanting to cry but luckily i was in class, so i couldnt. and was just sms-ing with him, trying to make him stay, and i gave up.. and i said, well okay, gd luck in your future then.

and he msged me back saying he was bored and it was just a prank.

URGGGGGHH!!!

dearest, i just don't know how to tell you that i still love you. and it's been 3 months. and i still cant forget about you. you used to say, "maybe ade hikmah di sebalik ape yg terjadi kat kite.." hikmah aper? all i'm feeling is hurt. all i'm getting is loneliness.

i love you so much that it hurts.

LALALA

guess what?

i'm bored. financial accounting class sucks. i am so not gonna take it again. in the mean time, haha. i'm gonna do loads of blogthings stuff.

You Are 77% Perfectionist

You are a true perfectionist. You are both demanding of yourself and others. While it's great to have goals and standards, they don't need to be sky high!

Are You a Perfectionist?

You Are 76% Open Minded

You are so open minded that your brain may have fallen out! Well, not really. But you may be confused on where you stand. You don't have a judgemental bone in your body, and you're very accepting. You enjoy the best of every life philosophy, even if you sometimes contradict yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

You Are Low Maintenance

Otherwise known as "too good to be true" You're one laid back chica - and men love that! Just remember that no good guy likes a doormat. So if you find your self going along to get along... Stop yourself and put up a little bit of a fight.

Are You A High Maintenance Woman?

You Don't Have a Boyfriend Because You are Too Picky

You have no problem attracting guys - and even dating a little It's just around second or third date time where you start to see faults If a guy isn't near perfect, you're not into him. It's good to have standards - but yours rule almost everyone out.

Why Don't You Have a Boyfriend?

okay, i'm getting tired of doing surveys. haha.

the last survey is kinda true i guess. i'm picky when it comes to guys. hurhurhur. it's like, everytime i know someone, i tend to find faults, and see his imperfections and then, just leave em stranded. coz my expectation of someone is kinda high i guess. but the thing is, if i don't feel right for the guy, how can we even be in a relationship?

enuff about that.

yet again, i was lectured by abang zaid.

he asked, "so how's your studies going on? are you focusing more on your studies or your dikir?"
and i sheepishly said, "dikir"

and yeah, thats how the lecture came about. i came to school only once last week. i couldnt wake up. blah2.. and he said, if i don't start focusing on school, he's gonna make me stop dikir. wadderr.. haiiz..

i seriously miss a whole bunch of people.

i miss my smoking khakis in Adiratna.


I MISS FAZLIANA TETEK. I MISS SHIDAH. I MISS NADIA (of course, Nadia's not in Adiratna).

I MISS MY DRAMA MATES.

I MISS MY COUSIN DIANA VANDERH.

I MISS NOURU, JALILAH, RIDZ AND RUBY.

I MISS AISYAH AND SHAE.

I MISS JAY-JAY.

I MISS THE BULLDOZER.

2nd LASTLY,

I MISS MY PANTATS!


and lastly,

I MISS LEANNA JAZZ AND KHAIRUL!!!



HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY LEANNA!

THE SHOWGIRL AND MONA LISA.

missing them all.

missing

there was this point of my life.

i was in love with this boy after suffering from a major breakdown of a previous relationship. this boy had a great sense of humour. this boy was my world at that point of time. he was my everything.

but then again, the boy wasnt mine. but i was really in love with him. he was there each time i needed him. he was there each time i got hospitalised. he was there, each time.

but up to a point, he was gone. and he came back with a news. he loved this other girl. broke my heart to a million pieces. and the girl, was a friend of mine.

trust me, the feeling sucks. while chatting with him, i'd cry like mad. he doesnt know. and to him, he gotta turn to me for problems because he's already treated me like a close friend, and furthermore, i knew the girl he loved.

and as a friend, and admirer, i just wanna see him happy.

and i'd advice him, and tell him how to win her heart, but, it broke my heart to do that. but i kept on doing it. well, sadly, he still didnt win her heart coz apparently, some things happend.

what amazed me was that, i had the courage. to love in silence, without him knowing all the while that i loved him and that i could still give him advices on how to win her heart, when his heart was the one which i wanted so badly.

i didnt know where i found the strength, the will and the courage.

and now,

the boy is long gone and is a distant memory. he'd msg me once in a while to ask about the girl.

and now, too,

i'm in love with this other boy whom i can't shake off from my memory no matter how hard i tried. its not as if i've not tried. i did. but i cant help but feel jealous when he talked about this girl-friend, that girl-friend.

the boy was once mine. and it's so unlike me to think about boys who were once mine, not for this long. it's been 3 months. i just can't help but think, when's the next time going to be?

i love this boy with all my heart. i love this boy so much that, i couldn't bear to know any more guys. i love this boy so much that, it hurts.

it hurts knowing that i don't know whether this boy loves me back.
it hurts to see him each time, especially when i see him that often.
it hurts to think about the memories, even though the memories didnt last long.

it hurts to love, when you don't know what the future holds.

geez.

i dont think i have the strength and courage like i had the last time. coz no matter how hard i tried to forget about this boy, i cant. i cry coz i know he's not mine anymore. i cry coz i dont know whether or not he'll be mine in the future.

the feeling just sucks you know.

i was reading my previous posts when i came across this.. This was dated 7th January 2007

"... i want someone.

someone who can change me.
someone who can change my perspectives.
someone who can guide me in my life.
someone who can make me respect them.
someone who can always prove me wrong.
someone who can shut my ego up.
someone who can understand how busy i am.
someone who can make me have the time for him no matter how busy i am.
someone who is strong-willed enough to tolerate me.
and for once,
someone who respects me and my decisions.
....
i enjoy intellectual conversations.

not some sappy mushy conversations, asking whether i love you or you love me. no, i'm not that kinda person. i like realism. i like philosophy. get me to talk about that and i won't shut up. don't just ask me how my day was and shut up. if you shut up, i'll shut up.

i enjoy sarcasm and arguments.

yes, i like people trying to prove to me that i'm wrong. i don't like compliments much. i'm a flawed and imperfect human being. tell me my flaws and imperfections, so that i can work on them and improve myself. don't keep telling me that i'm right and i'm oh-so-perfect. no, don't lie to me.

i love humour.

if you can make me laugh sincerely, i seriously salute you. it's not easy to get me laughing sincerely. sometimes i'll just fake a laugh. just like how i'll fake a smile. i'm an actress remember? you can't tell when i'm faking it and when i'm not. but i'm not, you can see it in my eyes.

yes, that's who i really am and what i'm expecting."

sorry for being long-winded. but, i actually found out, the boy had all these qualities, just so to let you know.

sigh...

dear boy,

even though i act as if i don't care, or i act as if i don't love you anymore, the point is, i love you too much. i still cry at night, thinking of us. my heart still ache, each time i see you, coz i know i'm not special to you anymore. but dear boy, please understand, i love you more than i did the last time.

and this, i speak from my heart. sincerely.

love,
ChiCka.

Batu Feringghi Pulau Pinang

12hours from home.

great. not bad for a last minute vacation. left home at 7pm and 12 hours later, i find myself in Batu Feringghi, Pulau Pinang. Roadtrips are great once in a while. Will be back tomorrow night i guess.

Oh, yeah.

Any matters for Dikir Barat or whatsoever, please update me asap. Just checked my mail and i've got lots of shows going on.

boo. will update the pics and the whole trip on Monday

templakkkkk.

the other day, went to meet the lyricist with them and fai.

and we stayed up till so late that, there were no trains or buses back. so me and the lyricist were stuck in BEDOK. he's staying in Woodlands and me in Jurong. ohh greatness right? so the plan was to take bus number 2 to CHIJMES and walk to Esplanade to take Night Rider.

So then, i thought, what the hell.. i called up Abang Zaid to ask to pick me up but he couldnt coz he was working night. Then Abang Zaid passed the phone to Abang Nazree and he told me to wait and Lavender. So i waited. Then Abang Man called. And he came to pick me up and we went to KTM to have supper then head back home.

Craziness.

Yesterday, i couldnt wake up to go to work. And when i came to work, like 2 1/2 hrs late, the Bus Supervisor, Uncle Peter, was like, "Dian cannot wake up ah this morning?" and i was like, "yeah"

then, the Executive Officer, Mr Sim, saw me, "Ah Dian.. Tak boleh mangun aaah pagi?" and i was like, "ya lah.."

WAAAAAHH.

One thing i do wrong, everyone will know coz, it's so unlike me to do a mistake at work or come late to work. hahh the Duty Manager for the evening was my TPT Manager. Geez. He was like, "Dian.. Yesterday you work hard.. Good lah. Eh, you look like you've lost weight lah.."

and i was like "...."

haha.. okay.. but i weighed myself this morning.. i lost about 2 kg. PEACE.

FYP-ING. BORING. DFD SUCKS. BIG TIME.

boo.

i'm having bouts of emotional spells. the temperaments are playing on me again.

if there's one song which can definitely make me cry each time i listen to it, would always be 'kusedari' by syed azmir. the lyrics, the way he sang it.. it's just.. touching lah can.

last sunday at work,

me and radiah went to sentosa cove. the moment we step out, i could just feel the surge of peacefulness that overwhelmed me. it's undescribable. the place was beautiful, the scenery, the yatches.. it was almost like paradise.

and we sat down.. the peacefulness is something which you can't get anywhere else.

might head there once in a while.

okay, well..

adios for now.

afterhim,there'sjustnobodyelsewhocouldtakeovermyheart.
whenyoulovesomeonesomuch,itjusthurtsyoucozwhenyouthinkbackofit,he'snotyoursanymore.

=)

harbourfront was crowded yesterday.

but dolphin lagoon 5.30 show was per normal i think. it was only 2300 but the havoc and chaos was REAL LAAAH. stupid tour groups. There were like, a lot of rangers there but they didnt help much.

Abang Khairul was there. like whooo. he's so tall and he's cute. hehh.
Abang Shahid was also there but he was like, looking so serious.

But then, i was no better myself. Got the pissed off look coz of the messy place that these tourist have made. blearghh.

Ended work at 7.

And it was like.. A COMPLETE PANTAT REUNION.

ALL 8 OF US WERE THERE.

Like huhu. Kecohness. I'm happy that we had a final 8 reunion just before Faiz is leaving for NS. =) Sham went back first coz he's got something on. But the rest, went to fag first and hegeh2 went to the office and took the bus back. Lepak-ed at the entrance of the mrt station. then went to vovo with Fiq and tumpang-ed him back on his bike.

HUUUURRR. He rode fast lahh.. sejuk siotz.

ok, no holidays. WE'RE GOING FOR COMPETITION!!!

Like whoopee.

random.

I AM BORED

A SAGITTARIUS LADY.

A tall slim and graceful woman who walked proudly
like she is walking in a
beauty pageant competition. If she slips or nearly
falls, she will nicely
covered it up and continue with her graceful and
impressive walking step.
She knows how to use make up to enhance her
beauty. She looks at the world
positively, so her face always seem so happy. She
will not get up set
easily.

Self confident woman who belief in her own style.
She will not follow
fashion, but standing in between simplicity and too
modern. She is a very
open person, sometimes can be too blunt. She is
an honest person and never
try to cause troubles for any one.

She likes to say something that you do not want to
hear and yet she can say
something so pleasing at the same time. Example
she may say "I wish you
could make more money, so you could afford
better cloth, but anyway it is
better this way. If you make more money you could
be thinking of money too
much and become greedy". She can say such
thing and make you wonder if you
should get up set or love her more.

She is also a free spirit and does not like to stay
home. She likes to be
protected, but not to give her orders. She has no
respect to a weak man. If
she try to over powered you, then you have to calm
her down and try to
control her to be in a limit by doing the same thing
too. She will listen if
she respect you. She likes to be herself and likes
her guy to be himself.

She is a no nonsense woman, so you will not hear
she says " Guess what I
will do next", or "Guess what I am thinking"
because she always say what she
is thinking out loud like a guy. If you do not
understand her in this
matter, you could easily break up with her. She
sees problems in her love
life as another funny story.

She is clumsy and it is in her nature. You may
think it is cute, but for
some neat guys this could be so unbearable. She
is very friendly, so she can
easily turn her enemy to be her friends. She has
good taste in fine cloths,
good food, first class and first services. Even a
poor woman in this Zodiac
will struggle to afford such good taste. She could
spent lots of money as if
she can not understand how difficult it is to make
money. If you think of
let her borrow money, think again.

She is a paranoid. If she thinks you like her, she
may already think about
getting marry and lost her freedom and so on and
on. A jolly woman who loves
sports. She is an ordinary woman who could dress
like a tomboy. She has more
guy friends and sometimes could act like one of a
guy. She does not care
about rumors, so she can get home very late and
couldn't careless what her
neighbor will gossip about her. She thinks either
good or bad, you will know
it yourself , so you should not bother what people
think.

Her wit and innocent look are her charms. She is
often hurt from love, but
never afraid to look for a new one as if she is
singing "Do that to me one
more time". She likes going straight and being
straight forward. She will
not go around to get what she wants, or beat
around the bush just to say
something. If you meet her and tell her straight
what you think, she will
admire you.


“HOW BAD IS YOUR TEMPER ACCORDING TO YOUR HOROSCOPE?”

SAGITTARIUS NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 20

You are insensible and generally have no complete control over your emotions. You do get angry quickly and others marvel at your anger levels even when provoked. Actually, you get tongue-tied when angry and you will remove your anger waiting for the other person to calm down. Then you will reason with your opponent and convince the other person in a very gentle manner that the whole thing was just his mistake. You’re also likely to totally sever ties with someone when you’re upset with them.


i'm just plain bored.

and plain free to blog twice.

i can't wait for 530!

iloveyousomuchthatitreallyhurts.

random.

lemau.

i like microeconomics. but it would definitely be so much better if there weren't any graphs in it. it's so irritating to understand graphs. not that i was never good in maths but microecons graphs are so effing bleargh.

i'm growing sacks of eyebags. *random*

work has been crazy. like, really. not that i'm trying to be racist or what -coz i'm not one- but i really think that north indians are uncivilised lot of people. they push, they rush, they don't know how to follow the queue and they ask stupid questions. it's hard to be nice to these people especially when they get on your nerves.

yesterday this north indian lady tried to jump (as in LITERALLY jump) from 2nd railing to the 1st railing. and so, i screamed "DON'T PUSH AROUND!" and guess what, just after i said that, she fell.

and so, i mocked her and said "There you go.."

I think they're just so uncivilised people lah.

I mean, i have NEVER EVER in my whole life seen any Singaporean Indians act like that before. Singaporean Indians are so different from North India Indians. Singaporean Indians, no matter how rowdy they can get, they're still civilised and they're nice people. North Indians are generally the opposite.

I'm not alone in this but some of their tour guides can't even stand their tour members and sometimes, they're just beyond control.

And once, i heard this North Indian guy said, "Sentosa Island is full of Indians.."

so tell me, how do u think we survive them?

heck. forget it.

I'm estatic. I'm excited.

can't wait for training later so i can FINALLY spill the beans. HEHHEH.

laters.

emotions broke lose.

i'm going fucken crazy.

i'm just hoping that this class ends fast. coz i really cant stand everybody here. even the faci. if i didnt think that i need to be online, i wouldnt come again today. heck this chinatown uh. u can say anything if you all want lah.

i did something which i would probably regret sooner or later.

i subscribed back to anak melayu. hurhur. it's the last resort to kill my boredom. and plus, i need new friends. it's been like 4 months since i last subscribe. haha. it feels weird being back. i totally forgot what it's like being there. but i'm just gonna make it a point to get to know people from the arts scene. no exchanging numbers and such.

and i just read my sticky notes sent and received.

and i so happen to go to this profile and i read all the sticky notes sent and received. and just a simple "hi.. u in dk??" can lead to a friendship till now.

September 2005. till this very day. 1 year plus. wouhh.

stop the tears in my eyes.
stop the hurt in my heart.
never take the love away.
coz it's you whom i want to stay.


Sway - The Perishers.

I talk to you as to a friend
I hope that’s what you’ve
come to be
It feels as though we’ve
made amends
Like we found a way
eventually

It was you who picked
the pieces up
When I was a broken soul
And then glued me
back together
Returned to me what
others stole

I don’t wanna hurt you
I don’t wanna make you sway
Like I know I’ve done before
I will not do it anymore
I’ve always been a dreamer
I've had my head among
the clouds
Now that I’m coming down
Won’t you be my solid ground?

I look at you and see a friend
I hope that’s what you wanna be
Are we back now where
it all began?
Have you finally forgiven me?

You gathered my dreams in
When they all blew away
And then tricked them
back into me
You saved me I was
almost dead

the pantat family

yesterday's chalet was okay.

reached vivo at 730.. settled my phone and bill, then waited for the pantats till 830 and we reached the chalet at 915. and, to my surprise la.. there were like 5 people there. only. LOL. i thought it was gonna be happening or what but it turned out okay lar. there is only chicken there but it was damn nice laaaa.

then, drank, played taiti, 21 and whatever card games there were and fagged.

was out from there at 10.30 and went back with Taufiq.

Yesterday was like a reunion for Pantats after a very long time. Like, there were 5 of us out of 8 coz Nami is never around.

We have AizadPantat Paprik- the founder of Pantats


Next, the assistant Faiz Pantat Pattaya

Next, the members: Pantat Goreng

Pantat Original:

Pantat Bulat

Pantat Seafood:


Pantat Cool Dude with long hair:
*takde pic uh*

Pantat Kuali:
*takde pic uh*

and lastly...

Pantat Panggang:


Yeahhhh. So, basically, that's the Pantat family. The people who stick through thick and thin together and the only bunch of people who have so much trust in each other. We're not just best friends but we're like siblings already.

but, soon one by one will go off. NS or whaaaat.

but,

once a pantat, always a pantat.

=)

serious. seriously bedek.

i'm serious.

i'm seriously lazy to update my blog. but i've got to update to kill time in this oh so boring class.

but first, reply to tags..

mizz rai: hey hun, i agree w arip. stay focused and be professional. i trust u too dee. make me proud even though me wawa lala and arip didnt had the opportunity to. =) OH! i lupa nk kasi u my link! *bodoh rai*
==> hey rai~ thanks for your trust. i seriously hope i can bring the group to success and make u guys proud. =) haha.. thanks for the link..

'SHACUTE™: BOOOOOOOO! I Was Here. Heh! Ilah Dengan Penuh Semangat Letak Full Name. LOL!
==> BOOOO BACK. LOL. Alah.. standard arr.. si Jalilah Bte Hassan memang macam gitu. takkan hang tak tau nohh. lolz

attica: babe, would you mind changing the PHASHION.STARR to ATTICA instead? ty. & u tc hunss. (:
==> sure will babe. u tc too.

Restive-Jazz: Oh My Goodness!! Well Done FoR DK!! I Knew U'll Pull It Off.. Missing U Lyk Heaven LaRh.. WoRkin Now.. Susah To Hav FRee Tym.. But When I Do, We'll Chill Yeah?? Call Me Anytime.. Always HeRe FoR U.. :
==> I MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH LAAH. =( plsplspls be free soon.

Niezza: hey.. now i understand why u were feeling fucked up in ur last post.. Well.. hope for the best ya.. Hopefully things will go as what u guys had initially planned.. So see ya.. Cheers!!
==> Hope so.. =)

wai: well dee, DK looks like it's doing fine, thanks to your efforts! Anyway, relac abit when you have to okay? =)
==> thanks Shaun.. haha.. i'll try to relax IF i can. =)

boom: chicka? prasan pe?! puke!
==> why do i even bother to copy this?

okay.. last Friday, we had a Welcome Tea Party and.. These are all the pictures of my dikir girls.. (and a guy coz Firdaus Samat sebok. LOL)









keselengean me and fir samat


the two kecohrable people. fai and fir









so yeah, that's my dikir peeps fyi. cool bunch of people.

tonight, might head down to Venga's chalet at Costa Sand's Sentosa. I need to destress. oh speak of the devil, he just signed it. haha. he was like, come laa.. got drinks and alcohol all. i was like.. OKAY. haha. like, he's trying to lure me to come coz he's going to NS soon. Not nice lah if i don't go.. And summore, got Uncle Nadaraj there. so, yeah.. might go and get myself high on drinks and fags.

i'm just a normal human being. i have flaws. so deal with that.

i didnt mean to say what i said. not that i meant it in a bad way.

cruel

THANKS SO MUCH LIFE FOR BEING CRUEL TO ME.
THANKS FOR TAKING AWAY ALL MY PRIZED POSSESSIONS.

THANKS FOR TAKING AWAY THE PERSON THAT I LOVE SO MUCH.
THANKS FOR TAKING AWAY MY WALLET.
THANKS FOR TAKING AWAY MY HANDPHONE.

WHAT NEXT HUH?

WHY DO YOU KEEP STRESSING ME UP?

FUCK LIFE

i've decided to delete away some links coz, most of them've changed links and no point keeping them right?

watched Jangan Pandang Belakang yesterday and it was spuki (ooppth..spuki lah sangat..) i mean spooky lah. but Pierre Andre was freaking good and Mak Mah too. gosh.. and please lah. i watched it alone sak. spuki terus. but the row behind me were all makcik2 and they were so noisy lah can. and they melatah. omg. they made people laugh instead of scared. hahaha.

OK FUCK.

NOW,I'VE LOST MY HANDPHONE.

SCREW!!!!

LIFE JUST DOESNT GET ANY BETTER FOR ME!

dikir-ing

ytd dikir was a success.

the girls were more than the guys. that, i'm happy about.
everyone's semangat. that's cool.
the instructors were great, that's cool too.
everyone had fun, that's the greatest thing.

yeah, could see that the ex-boyfriend had fun too.

suddenly, the confidence went low again. i know i have all the reasons to be confident. we have good manpower. good support from cikgu. good instructors.

but the problem is..

no one can change this fear. fear that what happend last year, might be repeated. i hate failure. the one most absolute thing which i would not condone. i don't want Dylz to die halfway like it did last time.

and the most important thing..

the biggest challenge is my emotions.

what more, with me being the rebanist, the frustration is going to mount. with ex-boyfriend being there, it gets harder for me.

i've never said that i'm going to forget you baby.
now, i really can't forget you.
i get jealous.
coz i iwant you all for myself.

i love you. i really do.

personas.

i know online people think i'm really stuck up. oh no, i should rewrite that.

i know online guys think i'm really stuck up. that sounds better.

i don't chat much. halfway i'd ignore their messages. or i'd give 1 word answers. yeah sure, i'm unfriendly. thank you. i don't really care much when it comes to online people. i used to have an online persona. PunkChiCka to ChiCka LoLiTa.

both of them made lots of friends online. Both were popular on AnakMelayu, they were regulars even. both knew how to make friends stay. and were often, online and had the time to enjoy and have fun.

now the persona changed to ChiCka Emily.

ChiCka Emily (Emily given by Leanna-Jazz) is more reserved. Created late last year, ChiCka Emily didnt make as many friends as both PunkChiCka and ChiCka LoLiTa. Emily is more laidback, more quiet and she keeps a lot of her feelings in her. She doesnt even want to be bothered about guys.

it was only until she decided to give it a chance, hoping that this guy could make her happy. he did. but only for a short time due to the complications of which, both of them know.

and Emily, she's moping around. hurt, obviously. the grudge in her, the pain and the anger. but deep down, she's still in love with him.

the task now, to merge all 3 together. PunkChiCka to ChiCka LoLiTa to ChiCka Emily INTO ChiCka.

hard task. But, i'm sure it's do-able.

only that i need more time.

okay dang, quite a few ppl know that i have peavey. i love peavey. really, a lot. if i can, i wanna show the whole world what peavey can do but i can't. amanah orang tak boleh main2. he said to me, "... jgn byk tangan. u sorg and someone u trust jer"

how?

geez.

just like i've expected.
my hopes were dashed again.

that's why i don't like to put on so much hopes. they're easily dashed. oh heck. anybody up for a movie marathon this saturday?

i wanna get away. but i don't know to where.

i just wanna go somewhere; alone. i want to think. i want to relax. i fucking need a break.

and can u like, don't fucking disturb me asshole. if i don't reply, shoo off! stop disturbing me. i seriously hate leeches.

fuck.

depressing.

i realise that most of my recent posts were depressing and about my depression.

there's just so many things that has been bothering my mind and it's so bottled up.
leanna.. where're you..

i feel that i'm gonna burst one day. i already did 2 nights ago and it made me late for work. i have never been so serious in my life. i feel that i'm changing. for better for worse? i don't know. i'm not the person i used to be. the person with strong determination and willpower. the person who doesnt know how to give up.

now, i'm just someone who gives up easily, breakdown easily and i'm a damn bloody weakling already.

fuck.

i want my ego, which is gone. somewhere.

he smsed me last night. i've got mixed feelings about it. i was happy that he msged. but i keep fearing that he wouldnt reply my msg. the fear and the happiness. its making me nuts. it was kinda slow.. but, hopefully, i get what i'm hoping for.





and i personally love this one the best.




i don't fall in love that easily.
but once i do, i fall really hard.

gone case.

i'm not ready to grow up yet.
i'm not ready to be a year 3.
i'm not ready to be an adult.

i just feel like breaking down. life has taken its toll on me. it's really stressing me up. with school, with fyp, with my love life, and now with work.

i've never thought of work as stress until yesterday. Cik Jamilah wasnt around and we were dead short of manpower. and we cant rely on that stupid supervisor of ours. ass. and i had to do the job. and yeah, luckily faiz and aizad helped me out a bit, if not, i'd gone bonkers.

it's not fair. i'm only 18. cut me some slacccckkk!

i'm so tired of trying to please everyone but myself~! i need to be alone. i need to sort out my thinking.

it's weird that i'm feeling what i'm feeling.

the last time i felt this way towards somebody was with Amy. The fact that it took me months to forget about him. and now, i'm feeling it again. it's been a month. i can't seem to forget. and i don't feel like forgetting too.

every single day, i wish that he'd msg me. i wish that he'll call me or ask me what am i doing.. it just suck that he isnt and doesnt. i don't need anybody else for now. and i don't need any advices. just listen to me. i don't need advices. i just need someone to listen.

like farah once said, "don't fix me. just listen"

i watched "gurindam jiwa" ytd. and the character said, "luka di dahi boleh dinampak, luka di hati tiada siapa yang tahu"

which translate, "the pain on the forehead can be seen, but the pain in the heart, no one knows."

ok. i'm in a state of depression.