Some People Just Dun Get It, Do They?

I'm definitely moving on.. Well, yeah i mean, i'm smsing him everyday but i'm able to accept tt now.. and i noe that he still loves me but he needs time alone for a while..

abt the other girl, well.. lets just say she cant accept the fact tt he dumped her.. and is still clinging on to him.. Heyy, i'm not gonna be like that okayy?? i have a sense of pride and respect for myself.. i'm not going to stoop myself low just for a guy although i'm really hoping to get back with him again.. but if he doesnt get back to me, den, all the best to him.. i'll be happy for him no matter wad..

he said he's not gonna bother abt that girl anymore.. but.. he dunno if he still wants to be with me.. and i said simply..

"Its all in ur heart.. find the love that u once gave to me.. its up to u and i'll accept whatever decisions u make even if they hurt me.."

DUUHH!! I want u back!! *cries out*

Okayy, so, actually.. dis is wad happened since Friday night..

The other girl was actually jealous of me.. And she didnt want to let him go.. So she msged him at friendster and she said..

hi dian.. i appreciate if u stop entering ayul's account... well.. he told me dat u and him broke up few months ago and pls stop disturbing him... pls do it fer a girl sake.. i dun wanna fight but im ayul gerl... hope u understand wat i mean.. thank u.

Man was i pissed or what! Sheesh.. And i msged Ayul ahh.. I said:

U better call me nw! i'm seriously not satisfied! u're still with her right??! bitch! she msged me at friendster and she said *as above*.. i'm seriously pissed off right nw! u better call me nw or i'm gonna call ur house!

Like, WHOOAAA.... First time sia i used that tone on him.. and he msged me back and said..

Him: I'm not with her! She doesnt wanna let me go!
Me: u noe wad she said.. she saidd *as above* .. What the heck does she mean?!
Him: Dun care her ahh...
Me: Pissed Off sia...
[He nv reply]
Me: What wrong have i done to u all this while that u did all these to me? i have never been rude to u or hurt u.. i love u more than i love myself..
Him: i dunno ah! i was wrong! i'm stupid! pls ah! i'm having a fever!
Me: Ya Sure.. take gd care of urself..
Him: i'm sorry.. i regret wad i did..
Me: the chance that i gave u last time wasnt for fun.. i believed that u can change.. but u didnt.. i waited till nw.. u better get some rest since u're having a fever.. drink loadsa water.. i love u no matter wad..

see how caring i am.. haha.. ok2... back to the other girl.. so she said,

hi dian.. i appreciate if u stop entering ayul's account... well.. he told me dat u and him broke up few months ago and pls stop disturbing him... pls do it fer a girl sake.. i dun wanna fight but im ayul gerl... hope u understand wat i mean.. thank u.

so i replied..

fyi, bitch.. u came into our relationship first, ok! and u noe wad? we didnt broke up "a few months ago" but we broke up yesterday!!! and we were on for 3 fucking months. he was two-timing u all the while. and even after i knew abt it i accepted him back.. screw u bitch. u came into our relationship and now u're asking me to back off?! fuck the hell off...

i was really2 pissed off with her lorr... ok, actually all these while, it wasnt Ayul who has been chatting with her from the start.. It was me.. And back then, she already gave him attitude.. and i was like, wahlao.. i dun even give him this kinda attitude seyy..

ok then, she replied..

wat are u talking abt??? he said u an idiot women with no sense of shame... he called u a asshole and a hoe behind ur back.... and he said to all his frens dat he hate u more than ever...

Well, she's obviously lying.. Like i dunno Ayul.. No matter how he dun like his ex, he would never call them that... he'll only say that she's boring.. or like, gundu or what lahh.. never something like that.. i noe... she's trying to make me hate him so that i could get away from him.. uhh sorry ehh.. i'm not that gullible.. and his frens noe wad kinda person i am.. sheesh! LOL!!!!

so i replied.. (damn long sia)

ouhh well... u just cant seem to let him go cant u.. tell me.. which guy wants to stay wif an over possessive and unreasonable girl.. i quote "bz tgk bola ke gangbang??" (busy watching soccer or gangbang?) "asl u keluar tak blg i?" (why didnt u tell me u going out?) "asl i call u tak angkat?" (i called u but y didnt u pick up??) jeeezz.. spoilt brat.. pls... save it.. whatever it is that he talks behind my back. seriously, wad makes u think i'm gonna trust u? i dun even noe u.. puhhleeze.. i'm not gonna trust any lunatic who doesnt want to let go of a guy..

pls ah ehh.. jgn nak memalukan diri sendiri terhegeh2 dengan lelaki yang tak suka wif u.. (dun embarrass urself by waiting and making a nuisance out of urself wif a guy who doesnt like u) ACCEPT THE FACT. i'm not replying to u because of him. i'm replying dis for myself and my stand. he may have let me go.. but we're contacting everyday and i noe him more than u do.. and honestly, u do not want to noe wad he says abt u.. and msn thing, well.. it makes me laugh come to think of it.. all those times, i've been chatting with u, well.. i didnt like u the first time i chat wif u.. and neither do i like u now..

save it ok. whatever he says behind my back, i dun care. i dun even care what ppl say behind my back. furthermore, if it comes from a 3rd party.. bullshit ok.. i dun believe any of it.. and pls.. ACCEPT THE FACT. FACE THE MUSIC. if somebody is meant to be urs, he'll be urs.. and if u love him, let him go.. if he loves u, he'll come back.. i've done that.. its no use holding on to a person who doesnt want to bother abt u, u noe.. i emphasize on U..

Ouhh well, if u want urself to appear cheap to him, then, carry on with whatever u're doing to us now.. keep bothering me, keep bothering him.. but u noe, u're wasting ur time and effort coz even though we broke up, there is still the trust between us.. its up to u to think.. i can keep replying to u, its fine by me.. u can keep calling or msging him, if he replies, gd for u.. if he doest, U'RE WASTING UR TIME.

think abt it ok.. even tho i dun like u.. u hafta put others in ur shoes.. possessiveness is never the key to a gd relationship.. remember that..


Wahhh!!! LIKE WHOA!! Haha.. Dee power siaa! Hehe.. Serves her right! I noe when i'm wrong and when i'm not... Dun bullshit wif me lahh.. herrhh.. i'm soooo waiting for her reply.. hahaha.. then can shoot her summore.. YAY-NESS!

Although i am waiting for him, i dun want myself to appear that i'm needy.. yes, i need him.. and he knows it.. thats enuff.. i dun haf to show him more... the rest is up to him to decide.. coz i still respect myself as a person.. and yesh,

IF U LOVE SOMEONE, LET HIM GO
IF HE LOVES U, HE'LL COME BACK

Helpless

Thanks guys for all ur tags..

He may have hurt me but he's a nice guy.. Yes, he may be possessive but tt is wad makes me respect him a lot.. The stuff that he said hurts me a lot then but come to think of it, i shouldnt have spur the anger on.. He's already very angry at i made him angrier..

Yes, i shouldnt have lied.. And i shouldnt have told him the truth either.. If i didnt tell him the truth, we could still be together.. It hurts me to think abt that mistake..

It hurts not being able to msg him that i'm going out and i'm home like i always do..
It hurts that i cant talk to him anymore..
It hurts to think that he's going to treat me differently from now onwards..
It hurts to noe that he's going to be with someone else..

Arghh.. Its fucking killing me!

okayy so.. dis is the poem tt i wrote for him when our relationship was gg down... i'm so sorry its in mly...

Tangisan Seorang Kekasih - Dian Farini

Aku dilamun rindu kepada dirimu oh sygku
Aku mengharap kasih seperti dulu
Walaupun aku jarang menyatakan cintaku padamu
Aku menyayangimu lebih dari aku sayang aku

Aku sanggup korban apa sahaja demi kita
Aku tidak sanggup melihat kita dibiarkan begitu sahaja
Airmataku mengalir tatkala kecewa
Namun ia hanya kerana aku cinta kita

Kusedar sekarang ini
Aku tidak rela lagi bersendiri
Aku tidak pernah sangsi
Akan cintaku kepadamu yang abadi

Kaulah satu-satunya sinar harapan diriku
Kau lah tempat aku mengadu
Syg fahamilah aku
Aku insan yang lemah ini waktu

Aku hanya inginkan perhatian
Dan juga belas kasihan
Semangatku hilang dikala kesunyian
Berikan lah daku keyakinan

Tangisan dan airmata menjadi sahabatku
Tiada insan yang dapat mengubatiku selainmu
Tolong lah faham tolong mengerti sayangku
Aku perlukan dirimu seperti dulu

Aku melarikan diri dari kebenaran
Di tiap sudut hatiku terserlah kepasrahan
Tidak pernah ku tetap dengan kemarahan
Aku hanya mengalah di dalam percintaan

Mungkin suatu hari kau akan mengerti
Akan dalamnya cintaku yang tulus suci
Aku tinggalkan puisi ini
Untuk memori yang telah melukakan hati

Aku tidak membenci
Aku hanya menyesali
Peluang diberi
Jangan disia2 kan lagi

Namun engkau telah menghiris hatiku
Engkau tinggalkan aku
Sampai hatimu
Berderailah sudah duniaku

Aku tidak tahu apa lagi hendakku lakukan
Hatimu berkeras inginkan perpisahan
Aku hanya berserah kepada Tuhan
Agar engkau berubah fikiran

Sayang kasihanilah aku
Tangisan kekasihmu ini yang pilu
Berikanlah peluang kepadaku
Aku perlukan dirimu

Akanku menunggu
Pada hari yang kau akan memanggilku sayangmu
Tidak akan aku mencari pengganti dirimu
Cinta tulus dari hatiku hanyalah untuk dirimu

Nightmare came true

I dunno where to start or how to make this post seems decorated with fancy expressions.

All i noe now is that my happiness is gone.

He wanted a break up.

It all started when i skipped school today. I told him that it was a holiday today and that i'll be gg to town with Ash. So i did. And while we were near Serangoon, my mum called me. My parents found out that i skipped school coz they said some guy call home and said i wasnt in school. The person's name was Koesnadi or smt like that.. Fuck la.

And on the way home, i msged him. I told him i got busted. And i told him that i skipped school. And he blew up.

so, our sms session went like this ar...

Me: i'm really2 sorry. its just that i dun like today's sub that i skipped. pls dun make this any worse for me.
Him: i dunno lah. i've been so patient with u till u're stepping on my head nw..
Me: u.. tell me wad wrong have i done to u... i noe i made a mistake today.. i shldnt haf lied. but wad wrong have i done that made u say that u've been so patient with me?
Him: See! Now u're talking back to me. what's wrong wif u? u're not dian farini i noe!
Me: U.. U made me like this. U think i like talking back to u when i noe u dun like it? i may sound ok but deep inside i'm hurt. and i always try to avoid telling u all this coz i dun want u to think too much. if i can, i dun want to be rude to u.. but dis is the only way that i sometimes i try to make u understand.
Him: U lied to me! there are other ways for u to tell me but not dis! u're talking back to me!
[I didnt reply]
Him: I want u to go back nw! take cab back. heck Ash! she pisses me off!
Me: i'm at home nw lahhh... She piss u off but she's my friend. U really noe how to hurt me. ur words hurt me more than my dad's scoldings. Lies?? Patient?? Hmmm...
Him: From now onwards, i dun want u to mix with Ash. u skip sch with her! I forbid u to talk to her. if u still do, goodbye then. u can do anything u want!
Me: Why are u blaming her?? Wad has she got to do wit this? I was the one who asked her out. Dun get her involve in this..
Him: She taught u smoking! Fine! u still side her. 4get me! i wanna break! i had enuf!
Me: u... I started first then her.. thanks so much.. this is how u repay me after u lied to me but i've been very patient with u.. its no use talking abt it nw.. u blamed me as if i did a huge sin to u.. thanks so much!
Him: i'm really mad at u! u smoke! u skip sch! u talk back to me! satisfied?! u're not the dian i noe..
Me: fyi eh, i quit smoking already.. coz i knew u didnt like me smoking even tho u kept quiet abt it. and i fell sick coz i didnt smoke for a few days. but i just held on.. u.. i've never changed.. even when u were mad at me last time, i talked back to u.. i always do that.. i'm angry.. what do u expect? i dunno wad else to say.. its just sad that u gave up on me easily when i always try to understand ur situation..
Him: Whatever lahh! Leave me alone for a while!

I dunno wad happens now.. i may be angry.. but i still love him.. Its not fair... He only cares his side of the story and didnt bother abt mine...

I'm really hoping that he would change his mind..

I'll blog soon. No mood.

i want my hair!!!

damn! my hair is short. like wtf!! i'm now having phobia of cutting my hair already.. my cousin cut my hair tt day.. and i thought it was longer.. i had no idea it'll be THIS SHORT!

Like, damn!! i took 2 yrs to grow that hair and now its gone... arrgghhh!!! and oh yeahh.. haha... sneak peak of me during break... wahaha...

Bad2 Dee... but i have company.... wheee... here they are... my fagging kakis.. the Phoenix.J.Faggers.

From Left: George (extra.. not from our class.. Clown u!), Sid n Wan..

Down Left: Ash, Sandy And Me..

Fuck. I still hate my hair.. look how thick and frizzy it is!!! arghh!!

Ah.. ANW....

The semester is ending in 2 days time.. Gawdd!! I cant survive without my PANTAT 01-02.. i lurve them to bits man! We've been together for 16 wks... And we really bonded a lot... Including the facs...

I missed Cedric Tan's lesson today.. GOSHH! He's such a great fac.. irritating at times but yeah, he's fun la.. He SHEESHes alot.. Like me.. Hahaha....

I'm gonna miss all u pantats in the class... u guys light up my day everyday wifout fail wit all the craziness and the madness..

haizz.... i love u guys!!!!

huggies and muackies...

ExEs

he called. finally. after i blew up yesterday on sms. i guess we're KINDA ok now..

Siggghh.. i realize that a lot of ppl are tired of telling me to give up and that there are loads of other guys who can make me happier and stuff.. well, it's just that, i dun give in a lot to other guys.. okayy, a brief history abt me..

i was never serious in a relationship. Apart from the first one, which was with Md Noor aka Nouru, the rest of my relationships were just for funs. After Md Noor was Taufiq. Gawwdd! He cant even spell airport (he spells it as airpork) and ampun (which means forgiveness), he spells it as angpom. Sheesh! My P3 brother can spell better than him. Hilarious. I went on with him for 4 times, 9 days, 5 days, 3 days and a day respectively.

Den came, Faizal.. Well, Faizal was more of a fling. No romance. This is Faizal..

Next was, uhh.. Shaari.. Yeah.. Another fling.. Then came, Murshid.. yeah, 9 days.. told em my dad found out and wanted us to break.. when i already got bored of em. So, Taufiq, Faizal, Shaari and Murshid were guys from Home Utd Fan Club. Aack. They knew each other. Haha...

After that, hmm... yeah.. Hafiz. He is this uberrrr cute Sentosa carpark marshall.. Damn!! He was really really cute and okay, i actually fell in love with em... Goshh.. Like, really hard.. but he wasnt boyfriend material.. hard core clubber.. and he left me with silent treatment.. fuck. i really loved him then. tts him. uber gorgeous in real life.

Next was Shahkhir. Well, i like him, he likes me but its just aint right between us and he knew it. And when i was getting to noe him, i actually grew closer with this B-Boy i saw ard the neighbourhood for 2 yrs.. And yeah, we like each other a lot.. And loadsa hints.. His name is Shaffie btw..

But then!! Sigghh.. I guess he was too slow, i end up going out with another guy... Named Farizan. Okayy shuckss... Its like, i got away from Shahkhir coz of Shaffie and i got away from Shaffie coz of Farizan.

Okayy.. And i lovED Farizan. Like, i wasnt really serious abt Shahkhir (sorry Shah.. u noe y it happend..) and Shaffie.. And i was still hurt abt Hafiz thingy.. And he kinda cured me out of that hurt. I WAS happy THEN. And 3 weeks after we went on, HE WENT SILENT. No calls, no msg. Unanswered calls and unreplied msg. And yes, it was over.. I still miss him sometimes though.. And i took this pic from his friendster.

And yeahh, heartache, tears and loneliness.. Like, i really lovED him.. and he gave me silent treatment.. As if Hafiz's silent treatment wasnt bad enuff for me.. Cried every single day man..

It was May this year.. And a few days after i realized that Farizan has been giving me the silent treatment, i chatted with this guy i know from chat. It was really funny coz we chatted at alamak chatroom in late march.. and i found out that we've actually seen each other before in Sentosa in December last yr. That time, his friend's bike got some problems right in front of the Monorail Station at the Visitor Arrival Station. And i was sorta laughing at them. I didnt remember any of it.. But he did. He remembered me first and he reminded me of it. Was funny come to think of it..

And this guy, he wasnt online much.. he didnt haf my num either.. and tt night, we exchanged num.. and i took the risks.. the idea that i have abt him is that he's a clubber, a drinker and a *** maniac. but he called me the next day and we talked on the fon for more than 3 hrs... And what amazed me was that he wasnt wad i think he is.. i told him abt farizan and he advised me.. talked to me.. and gave me hope again.. and yes, he did mention that he was a bit possessive.. i didnt think that it would happen between us.. but it did.. sparks flew when we met. Imagine.. This guy, i knew from chat in march, but turned out that we saw each other waaay back in december. and we chat for less than 10 conversations in msn.. never had each other's num... he was rarely online.. and when i got stranded, he came in at the right time to pick me up to my feet again.. he gave me hope in love.

the first month was tough.. i wasnt used to anyone being possessive to me.. furthermore a bf... but i worked my way thru.. it was hard but i did it. my parents were against the relationship.. but i kept it a secret from them. my mum is able to accept him nw... fyi, its not easy to win my mum's heart.. i learnt a lot in this relationship.. abt sacrifices, patience, perserverence and also love. it may be difficult.. but i learnt it the hard way. i dun give up easily and i'm not going to give up nw..

Yes, i was a bitch back then. i wasnt serious abt any guy. i cheated them. i two time them. until Hafiz, i knew wad it was like to love.. Farizan, i knew wad it was like to be cheated. And through Him, i learnt to be a better person. Honesty, Trust and Commitment. Tt was wad he wants in a girl. I've given him more than that. And he knows it. And i vowed. That, if ever something goes wrong in this relationship, i wouldnt give up that easily, i wouldnt never for a break and that i can be strong to face all this. And i would never leave my man stranded. thats my promise. that's my oath. THAT is how much i love him, and guys, i would NEVER ask for a break up. I noe it may hurt me a lot, but lessons in life doesnt always come in the easy way. To end this off, yes, this is the guy i'm talking abt..

Yes, it's Ayul. Khairulludin. i just dunno wad i'll do without him. no guy ever understood me like he does... we may be going some rough patch nw.. but i just hope, things are going to get better soon.

Dian Loves Ayul.

Alone. So Alone.

Things are not going better. And he's not doing anything to make it any better.

Sometimes i wonder, how long can i last? Can I still continue to be patient and perservere in this relationship? I just feel like giving up sometimes.. But i cant bear to lose him...

"Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I'd let go, but there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only my only one"

I'm too tired to cry.
I tried to understand.
I tried to be strong.
I tried to give him time.
I gave him the chance.
I took the risks.

Pls tell me where this is leading to. You left a scar in my heart but you're not treating the hurt that comes with it.. I miss the old times when we would just crap on the phone for hours and hours on end.. u told me you'd change. but things are the same. i long for the guy whom i fall in love with 3 months ago..

i feel so alone. its as if i'm single again. Alone.

And i leave with this song which describes perfectly how i feel. Same plot. Same feelings. Sorry to those non-malay peeps who dun understand. my mly sucks. i cant translate.

Mahligai Dari Airmataku - Lestari

Izinkan diriku meluahkan rasa
Maafkanlah aku andai kau terasa
Biar kupaparkan apa yang terjadi
Moga engkau tak ulangi

Sungguh tak kusangka kau berpaling tadah
Setelah lamanya menjalinkan cinta
Dalam diam-diam kau sudah berpunya
Tanpa aku menyedari semuanya

Aku mendoakan agar kau bahagia
Bersama si dia insan yang kau suka
Percintaan kita tak sampai ke mana
Setakat di bibir saja sayang

Kau bina mahligai dari air mata
Yang jatuh berderai di wajah sepiku
Hancurnya hatiku bisa tak terkata
Terhumban rasa diriku

Oh aduhai ku masih ingati
Janji manis dan saat romantis
Kau pintaku supaya setia
Akhirnya kau yang berubah

Oh tuhanku tabahkan hatiku
Temukan ku dengan ketenangan
Jiwa ini dibelasah rindu tetapi apa dayaku

Kucuba pejam mata tapi tak terlena
Kerana ku masih teringat padamu
Begitu payahnya nak ku melupakan
Pernahkah engkau fikirkan oh sayang...

chances and risks

I FINALLY MET HIM TODAYYY!! LIKE, YAY!
Things happened so fast today that i'm still in maze... So, in the morning, went to school.. met shahrain on the way.. we talked and talked.. aha.. after that, i saw sandy and met ash at the smoking point.. and we fagged awayy.. and i stayed there till 10.. haha.. skipped basic science again..
after that, went to sengkang.. to meet him.. bloody belo.. he came 30 minutes late.. when we're just meeting at the void deck.. he came down at 12.. and we went to mac and stayed there till 3.. we took pics.. haha..

Uhhuh.. Like nothing happend.. but!! i found out y he's been acting the way he's acting and my suspicion is true.. i wont say wad it is thoughh.. if it didnt happen then i'd probably not noe abt it till nw.. and its been gg on for a mth already.. like, i totally went silent.. i didnt noe wad to say or how to react.. he tried to deny at first.. but look, i aint born yesterday.. and i questioned him abt it.. and yeah, it was true.. fuckin broke my heart... but i cant say anything coz it already happened..

we were at mac.. and i didnt talk to him.. he got so restless.. and he chatted with ash.. and told her how he felt.. he said he was stupid for making me like this and that he feels so guilty.. and he said sorry non stop... i noe i was stupid to forgive him.. like any other girl, they would probably blow their heads off if they knew what i knew.. but i gave him another chance.. and took the risk that he might probably do it again..

anw, after that, i went to check my pay and i got 80 bucks.. i bought him a pack of cigs.. bahaha.. he knows i smoke nw.. and he said he doesnt mind.. but he wants me to quit because he's worried of my condition.. he gave me 2 sticks to smoke with him.. whee.. haha.. then we went to tampines mall... and i bought a NICE AND OHH SOOO BEAYOOOOTIFUULL MANGO TOP. haha..

he was tired. his frens sleptover at his place and he onli slept for 5 hrs.. but he tried to cheer me up and make me forget abt IT. otw back to the busstop to sengkang, he gave me another stick.. hehe.. in the bus, i clung on to him.. and i told him..

"pls dun do that to me again.." and he said..
"i wont.. i promise... i'm really sorry for hurting u.."
"and no more silent treatments"
"no more. i promise.. i'll msg u.. and i'll settle IT soon ok.."

sighhh...

and he gave me 2 more sticks to bring home.. HAHAHA.

Okayyy, reflection time...
like i said, most girls would probably ask for a break up or just blow up if they knew that this happend to them. i wont say what happend coz its just between me and him. but, i was so calm. so silent. so hurt that he became guilty and restless. that he couldnt stand it. and he said, "dun give me the silent treatment pls..."

and i gave em a sharp reply.. "well, u gave it to me too u noe... and that was a week.."
he couldnt take the silence.. and he tried so hard to make me happy.. i dunno y i'm able to forgive him.. and just be patient with him.. hmmm... i guess its my own retribution.. i did wad he did last time during our first month of relationship.. he didnt noe abt it.. not now and not ever. i guess its retribution.

i just love him too much.. ash, sandy... i noe u guys are probably sick of telling me to be less patient with him.. but i vowed. i vowed that if anything happens in this relationship, i wouldnt wanna be the one asking for a break.. that is how much i love him. too much. too much that it hurts..

sighhh

i hope things change from now onwards..... i'm hoping hard....

MaH bRo

okayyy fine.. so i changed my blogskin again.. haha.. well, html is a lot of fun.. no doubt abt it... i'm like friggin bored... just when i wanted to go to tarian todayy, they cancelled it coz cikgu's got something on... errgghh..

[[Gawdd! Will my mum just stop bitching for one sec??? its friggin irritating me]]
anw, Guess who cooked dinner?? haha.. my 13 yr old bro.. he cooked spaghetti and damn it! its uberr nice.. really.. he cooks better than me man.. shucks.. but yeah, i enjoyed it larr.. okayy.. this is a pic of me and my bro.. haha.. we look like a goddamn couple.. wtf..



haha.. he looks stewpid like he always does.. haha.. but he's not just a bro to me lar.. he's also my fren and the person who puts me to the ground sometimes.. haha.. but yeah, i'm so guilty of being busy and ignoring my whole family.. haiz.. i'm not in the mood to talk abt this right now..

*i'm trying so hard not think of him... but i just cant help it... tears just roll out of my eyes.. it hurts too much... i hate myself for loving him more than i love myself..*

ah well....

well, things are getting better.. well, not at one shot la.. its just that, its picking up really slowly.. and i mean.. really2 slowly.. like, 1 m/hour.. sighh.. but at least, he's starting to call me again and yeah, we're talking.. although he doesnt do the little things that he normally did, like saying i love you so much and calling me back like he said he would.. still, i'm just okay that we're kinda talking..

i'm like, hoping that he's able to meet me tml.. coz i'd skip school just to spend time with him and make things better.. and clear the air.. the last time i met him was when he visited me in the hospital.. which was like, 3 wks ago... damn.. i miss him so much... its just that, i'm not used to dis kinda treatments from him. all he ever gave me was soooo much love and the endless attention.. and now, its like, its a struggle to get these from him.. sighh...

okay.. nuff said abt that.. i've bumped into my dad's nsman from ang mo kio fire station last week in the train.. haha.. gawd was he cute.. he alighted at tampines also.. but he was walking at the back so i didnt noe where i used to have a crush on him.. but then, hah.. wouldnt wanna date nsman la.. like, not ready for that yet.. hmm.. he's a nice guy actually.. heh.. and he's really shy.. aha.. so unlike me.. and then, guess wad?? i saw him again yesterday.. haha... during a wedding reception.. haha.. so cute..

going to the hospital later to have my blood test.. geez.. when is this gonna end man?? errrrghh.. i'm like, having a phobia of needles already... eeks.. okay.. gtg.. mum's calling..


SOMEBODY SAVE ME!

i cant stop crying. nobody can help except him

i am so hating him for now.

i thought everything was ok after i the talk at 840.. I told em how i felt that he's too busy for me and that i dunn0 anything that has been going on in his life.. Basically whatever ive typed in this blog.. at first it was ok..

den he told me to go to his msn.. and chat with this girl.. never seen her in msn b4.. and fuck! i typed wrongly and he scolded me and said i embarrased him. Like he called me all sorts of name. LIKE FUCK!! HE SCOLDED ME BECAUSE OF ANOTHER GIRL. I was damn bloody pissed off...

And when i told him i wanna meet him, he said he's got no money.. well, its not as if i'm asking him to spend on me.. but when his friend msn him and said they're gg out, he said ok.. and he suggested clubbing sommore.. FUCKKK!!! cant go out with me but when his fren ask him out, he immediate says ok...

WTF!!!!

All ive been doing is just cry and cry and cry. I wanna give up. Give up on love and give up on life. I hate myself for loving and trusting him too much. I feel so stuck. I wanna make things better but he always makes it worse.. What kind of relationship issit if the boyfriend doesnt want to meet? Fuck. i dun wanna let him go. i love him too much. but y doesnt he get me??
i tried so hard to be patient and understanding. but he's not helping me and he keeps asking me to be more understanding.

JUST TAKE A KNIFE AND STAB ME INSTEAD OF DRAGGING THE LIFE OUT OF ME. IS THIS HOW U REPAY MY LOVE, CONCERN AND TRUST??? I DUNNO HU U R ANYMORE. PLS GIVE THE OLD HIM BACK TO ME. I BEG U.. STOP HURTING ME!

Matters Of The Heart

Fuck. I'm bored. New facilitator for computing.. He's an Indonesian. Well, that does not make any difference. In fact he's accent is irritating me. And I can barely understand him. Arghh.. Ah, well, its computing. Not that I cared. Friggin sleepy. Arrrghh!

HE smsed me yesterday afternoon when I was on my way home from the dikir performance at TP (which sucked)… And I asked him how he's been.. he said ok2 ar.. and that he has the feeling that we're gonna drift apart one day.. and that he still love me.. He also said that he noes he's hurt me a lot and that he’s sorry.

Which, made me think… If u noe u've hurt me a lot, then why are u still continuing wad u've done? Continuing to hurt me…

I was crying as I was listening to these two songs back to back: Mahligai Dari Airmataku by Lestari and Biarkan Aku Merinduimu by Liza Hanim. Felt jiwangy yesterday so I tuned in. And I started crying and crying non stop. I thought he wasn't going to call again. But he did when I was crying. I told em I had a blocked nose but he didn't believe me. He knew. He knew I was crying. And he didnt say anything much. He knew how I was feeling. He knew how hurt and angry I was at him. I told him how I was feeling and how I AM feeling.

I noe that he's kinda trying to make things better. But its kinda difficult when we rarely talk and hardly meet. I really want to meet him so badly but its either I'm too busy or that he doesn’t want to meet up. Argh.

Do I think too much? Maybe he’s just plain tired to talk. I just love him too much. This is just a challenge. What if he really leaves me? Fuck. I dun even want to think abt it. LIKE, DUN EVEN THINK ABT IT!

I really wanna meet him. Like, soon.

i'm dyingg inside.

StiLL NOT oKay

Sighh...

The class is going mental playing heartattack. And i'm like so sucky with my heartache. Sigh.

He called me yesterday. And we talked. But i'm still hurt. He didnt explain y he acted that way. That hurts. Still, i should give him credit for trying to cheer me up and apologising non stop. Haizz.. Maybe i'm just thinking too much. Haiz...

"I'm going crazy crazy crazy thinking about you lately...
I just dunno what to do"

I'm really hoping to bump into him later at Tampines. Sigh. Just to see him, i haf to HOPE to bump into him. Haizz.. Its so difficult to meet him.. Haizz..

I'll update later... Going to TP now for Dikir..

*hoping soooo much to meet him*

*rolls eyes*

For starters, yeah.. He called me today.. But i was taking a shower.. Argh.. And he left me a voicemail.. I called him back, and he said change first, he'll call me later.. And guess wad,
HE DIDNT. And I actually waited.. GAWD! i am so friggin angry with him these few days..

But deep inside, i really miss him a lot.. And I missed his voice, his stupid antics and his singing.. There i went, playing his voicemail again and again.. Sighh.. All i want is for things to be back to normal...

Let's just stop talking bout dis and talk abt todayy.. Ergh.. Went back at 430 instead of 7 coz i was friggin weak to continue working. Coz that stupid NUS Triathlon really tired me down.. It was friggin hot.. and den it rained den it was hot and then it rained. sheesh! But guess it was okay coz i was with Uncle Zul the whole day.. Haha.. He rocks man! Seriously.. He's the uncle i just got to know.. He's my mum's cousin and i've never met him my whole entire life. I only got to know him when i started working in Sentosa.. He's sooooo cool even though he's past 30..

But seriously, Dolphin Lagoon was sooo packed just now.. Like everybody wants to go to Tanjong Beach.. And NUS, like, ERGGGGHHH! Had sooo poor organization on the triathlon.. Cyclists are cycling in the middle of the roads and our buses were driving there, like hello?? and when they were blocked, they cursed and swore. Seriously stupid. And there was dis causasion cyclist, a car was driving in front of him and he shouted, "FUCK! GET THE FUCKING CAR ASIDE!"

LIKE HELLO!!! The cars are moving.. Wad do u want me to do? CARRY?? LOL. Stupid ppl.. And KM8 manager came out coz they say we're blocking cars = blocking their business. Like, SHEESH! Dun u noe how to read? CARPARK FULL. As Uncle Zul would say, "Read my lips. CAR PARK FULL." And he still insisted on us getting all the cars in. Uncle Zul got so fed up, he shouted, "Stop all blocking. Let all the cars in. But in case any accidents happen, we're holding u responsible"

Fierce... Haha... And the Caucasian lady, who was a photographer for the triathlon, keep saying it was dangerous for the cyclists that there were buses and we were diverting cars and they were cycling in.. And i was like, HEY! DUN TALK ABT SAFETY HERE WITH ME. IF U WANNA TALK ABT SAFETY, TALK TO THE BLOODY ORGANISERS! They shld take proper precautions instead of letting their cyclists and runners go all over the place, distrupting traffic... At least have some kinda barrier so that the cyclists and runners are being separated from the moving vehicles. It was totally poor organization from NUS.. The cars and buses are coming in and their cyclists are whizzing all over the place.. SHEEESH!

Seriously, poor organization...

Suspicion arouses.. Fuck!

Fuck. I noe i shouldnt have done it.. But yeah, i did it.. SO BEAT IT! *rolls eyes*

I checked his email.. and there were 2 mails. one from a girl name shahidah.. like, who the heck is that?! and another was from his ex nisha.. The mails were unread so i cant exactly read em... Ergh! Wtf!!! WAD THE HECK IS GOING ON?!

I'm soooo friggin pissed right nw.. I'm tired of crying! And the silent treatment... Like, wad the heck.. he jolly well noes that i hate silent treatment for one and he's doing it! Fuck.. Look, i'm not trying to be the over possessive girlfriend.. Its just that, 4 days of no news is UNACCEPTABLE! I have never been demanding or possessive to him and i'm the more patient one.. It's just that this time, i'm impatient. I NEED ANSWERS. I WANT TO KNOW WAD IS GOING ON.

*cools down*

Its just unlike him to keep things from me, thats y i feel so tense... i need to know coz i dun wanna lose him.. He should understand that.. I wish i can tell him all the stuff that i've been saying in my blog for the past few days... Well, thats kinda useless since he doesnt even want to talk to me in the first place... Or even meet me... He was online yesterday night... i wasnt in the mood to chat either..

Me: is dis u or is it someone else?
Him: huh? wat u mean?
Me: nth.. just wonderin..
Him: Who signed in my msn?
Me: huh?
Him: Did u sign in my msn?
Me: No. Why would i wanna do that?
Him: ok
Me: i tot u asked someone else to sign in fer u.. tts y i asked
Him : smbarang je (anyhow say)
Me: hmm.. was just wonderin
Him: ok

I didnt have the mood to chat if he's giving me that kinda answers... well, before the whole chat thing, i sent him a msg an hour b4.. i said..

i dunno wads up with u nwadays, i can feel something wrong but since u dun wanna talk abt it then i dun want to force it out of u.. its sad that we havent been talking much..den again, if u're not ready to talk, den dun call coz i wouldnt want to talk either.. i want to be there for you but i feel so hopeless.. Just take care of urself and if u need someone, i'm just a call away..

he has no idea how much he's hurting me dis few days.. and honestly, i've slipped to my weak self.. i'm crying every single night.. just like when the same thing happend the last time.. FUCKK!!!

i havent slept for 2 days nw.. Sighh.. I dun friggin care.. Its 730 am.. Going to bath and out to work later..

I NEED TO SMOKE.

What The Heck Is Going On??

Ergh.. I'm hating this.. He's not the same anymore.. Like, he doesnt have time for me.. He didnt call me for 3 days now.. And yesterday, i had to call him so that we talk but it wasnt the same.. I can tell.. And i just felt that when i called him, i'm like a disturbance.. i dunno.. And yeah, he told me that he'll let me noe if we're meeting and wad did i get?? Zilchh! He said he was going out, he didnt mention where...

Goshh... I'm like, so upset.. I noe he is too but he didnt want to talk about it so there's nth fer me to do.. Wish i knew wad was going on.. Its kinda kiiillliiinnnggg me man... I so feel like crying right nw.. Well, yeah, he did say he's got no mood to meet me... Aaargghh! Here i am, trying to make time for him and he said something like that.. Sighh.. Its not like we meet everyday u noe...

Something is wrong. I noe. I'm certain of it.. But y didnt he want to talk abt it? And THAT QUESTION?? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?? Is he going to hurt me again like he did the last time when he went out with his ex TWICE without telling me and noeing that i dun like her...???

Just..... WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?? He's hiding something from me.. Argh! I tried to think of the stuff which might seem possible for him to do... Cant stop guessing wad it is.. Yeah, i realize, the truth hurts.. But not knowing the truth hurts more.. All i hope is for him to open up to me... And SOON,

Before i go into a depression like i did the last time he did this..

baby.. where r u??

Insecurities are starting to set in.

It's been 2 days. No calls.

okay.. i called him.. and things are weird.. i dunno... i just dun feel right.. something is wrong and i can feel it.. he's not telling me... gosh..

He said he's just frustrated with himself.. And that he's hating himself... And i asked him wad happend that made him said something like that.. He didnt want to talk abt it.. And he asked me that question again..

"No matter what, will u still love me??"

and i was like, "Of course..." and he went silent... i told him this...

"U noe, one of my greatest fear is actually losing you.."

He didnt want to talk abt it.. Ouhhhkayyy... Since he didnt want to talk abt it and was feeling down, i had no choice.. So just told em to haf a rest and just calm himself down..

I know something is wrong. He is not himself. Like, it was sooo quiet and he was sooo down..

And THAT QUESTION. I remembered the last time he asked me that. After he asked me that question, he told me abt him meeting his ex and stuff.. and it really hurts me a lot..

I'm guessing that he did something wrong.. Something that he knew would hurt me if he told me.. Tts y he didnt want to talk abt it...

Well, there's nth much for me to say.. Lets just see how it goes...

i FAINTED!

OMG! OMG! OMG!

I FAINTED!

Can you guys believe that?! I have never fainted in my whole entire life, and just nw I FAINTED!

Heez!! Okay.. My fault for actually going to the mass signing thing.. well, i thought that, i practiced hard for it and deserved that 8 CE points.. tts y i went..

and when i reached Marina South, WTF?! It was so bloody hot...!!! Erghh.. Seriously! And i just got so giddy and dizzy.. like, everything is so blurry.. i sat down while everyone was doing the sign language thing.. and then, things changed....

i cant seem to open my eyes, everything just seems to be so fast... all i heard was noise.. gosh.. freaky.. and i heard Fazli (SA Fazli) and Kenny.. Fazli seems to be shouting and giving instructions... Kenny told the army ppl abt my hospital admission.. I guessed Fazli was the one holding my head.. Like, my head was leaning on his stomach or smt.. hahkz.. dunno la.. didnt realize anything much man..

And the army ppl asked me qns, keep telling me to open my eyes.. dey said if i dun, dey're sending me to the hospital.. sheesh... not back there! They took my blood (another bunch of blood suckers).. and sent me to Tanjong Pagar Mrt Stn so that my parents could fetch me..

Gosh... Everything went as if it was whirlwind.. So fast....

Ouhh.. And i saw my 22 yr old nephew there too.. He's in Guards doing Marshall.. Luckily he wasnt ard when i fainted.. Haha.. If not so paisehh..

Now, everyone knows that i fainted.. Gosh! Its like, soooo embarrasing... Sigh!!!

Well, gonna sleep nw.. Going to watch movies with the crazy PJ0102 peeps.. hakz...

Dian, Dian.. When r u gonna learn ur lesson? U're not even okay yet..

Sigh... nth more to say....

I'm back baby!

I'M BACK!I'M BACK!I'M BACK!I'M BACK!I'M BACK!I'M BACK!I'M BACK!I'M BACK!I'M BACK!I'M BACK!I'M BACK!I'M BACK!I'M BACK!I'M BACK!I'M BACK!I'M BACK!I'M BACK!

Hahaha... okay! Nutters.. Holla Back! OMG! i SOOOOO MIss blogging.. Hahaha...

I was hospitalized for 4 days since Thursday. Gosh.. Was so happy abt it at first.. Then it got so boring... Okay2.. i'll start frm the top...

I had fever since last friday.. Went to the doctor on Monday, she gave me 2 days mc.. so fine, when back to sch on wed, still not feeling any better.. den, went to the doctor's again on thursday..

And he said, something must be wrong if ur fever hasnt gone down for a week.. and i was like, "ouhhhhkayyy..." so he sent me for a blood test.. and when i got back to him, he said, " u might haf dengue..." and i was like, "wtf?!"

and then, he said.. "Because from the blood test, i found out that ur blood platelets are rather low.. for a normal person, the platelets are 100 thousand over... for u, it's 65 thousand... and since u haf fever, dengue is known to push ur blood platelets down when u contract it.. so u might haf a possibility of having dengue..."

Cheyy! My low platelets are heriditary larr~! sighh.. but he referred me to the hospital aniways.. NUH.. At first, like, yay! aha.. finally hospitalized... And then, the nightmare came...
Everysingle day i had to have my blood taken... sheesh... it friggin hurts okay! and the docs and nurses sometimes inject at the wrong places... erghh! i felt like i was a blood bag man! and the docs and nurses were vampires, sucking my blood.. haha..

yeah, friday, kak diana visited me.. =) so happy that she did.. i was getting bored.. haha... and on Saturday, uh... let me see... who came???

Ouhh yes!! Md noor came!! heh.. He's such a sweetheart... love those cookies that he bought for me.. =) and yeah, the card was nice too.. hearts it.. =) he came with his fren cum foe Izza.. haha.. she's okay i guess... uhh.. at least she came lah.. haha.. after that, mak uteh and mak busu ina came with Iman, my cute ickle cousin.. =)) hehe.. okay, then my aunt frm my dad's side came... after that was.... Ash and Ricardo.. Haha.. Omg! They made me laugh and laugh and laugh... Gonecase lah the two of them.. haha... and then, Linda came with her family.. heh... then it was mak ling and followed by Abg Lan and family.. Teehee...

And gosh! On Sunday, my dad was working on that day la.. and my mum came with my bros.. and guess wad my mum asked??

"The boyfriend never come and visit u ar??"

I was like, huhhh??!!! My mum asked me THAT?! I was friggin surprised man! And to top THAT off, she said,

"Tell him to come lahh... Ur dad's not here..."

Herhh??? Ouhhhkayy... Haha.. Tt is soooo strange.. I msged him lahh.. And he said he'll come after his bike practical.. sheesh! and he came, met my mum. And my mum was okay with him ard... heh... And he said he enjoyed meeting my mum... wouhh.. hahaa... gosh! i felt so weird the whole time man.. but den, my mum was ok with him.. so happy abt that.. haha.. He stayed with me till the end of the visiting hrs.. My mum went back half and hour earlier..

*smiling like nobody's business*

haha... so today, the doctor said, i'm better.. the doctors didnt say anything much abt my condition though.. which kinda made me think that i wasted my time there... with horrible food! sheesh..

and Ayul was saying on Sunday that because he came, the next day i'll be discharged... and it came true! wahahaha....

=)

beeeetchhhh

ergh, i hate her. i fuckin friggin hate her. Hibiki Shota. Total flirt. Bitch. If she wanna flirt with other guys, heck ar that's her prob... BUT SHE IS FRIGGIN FLIRTING WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!! ERGH! WTF!! and that idiot also layankan (just play along)... ergh!!!!

Hibiki Shota - Her pics are here if u guys wanna see.. please haf ur friendster ready

and i found out that Haiqel also noe her from frenster.. wahlao eh.. mega bitch.. all along i was the one who was chatting with her and when her dad passed away, i sympathise her and gave her advices and stuff and not Ayul! ergh! and nw she's getting on my nerves and asking him to call her and stuff...

BITCH!!!!

I generally do not hate a person so much.. and she is totally getting on my nerves.. and.. if i cannot take it anymore, i'll personally go find her wherever she is. Believe me. I'll do it.

Just watch out Hibiki Shota.

Or Iqa.

Or BITCH.

whatever

i've got 2 days mc.. haha.. well, mr alvin tay wont be happy that i've been in his class on alternate weeks.. i didnt do it on purpose ok! it just so happen that i'm sick on alternate tuesdays.. haha... coincidental..

just came back from breaking with the peeps from whitehouse.. whitehouse is actually the Jurong Youth Centre.. haha.. nicknamed white house.. okay so, went there, played pool (i sucked at it now.. dunno y..), breakdanced and danced.. haha.. and.. gosh! shaffie was there! lol.. it was uncomfy arr.. but we talked as per normal ar.. and, the reason y i wanted to go to the whitehouse was actually to wish shaffie a happy advanced bday. his bday is on friday.. hakz.. just that lahh.. nth much.. didnt want him to think that i still like him or whatever.. coz i dun..

ergh... i'm still having my cough and runny nose.. i wondering how ash is doing.. i'm really worried for her man.. how is sandy?? arghh.. evrybody is sick! sheesh.. i dunno if i'm comin tml.. i hafta come la... it's cedric's module.. hafta come.. he'll think we'll cabut his lesson.. argh..

okay. lets face it. today's boring.