HAPPY LAH OK

aku happy giler lah sey nari! hehe!

first, nari finally jumpe abang Arman! even though he was about 45 mins late. nyahha. but, ok lah, he got back from work at Loyang and then went to meet me at Vivo and he has class at NAFA at 5pm.

He came with the tickets, den I bought the drinks and food, and we went in to watch Charlie Bartlett, which was cool and funny. and he bought 2 Milky Way chocolates with extra caramel for the both of us! ahaha. heh.. then after the movie ended ard 4.35, den he said he'll send me back home first before he goes to class.

then i was like, ...

then he asked, "naek motor ok?"

then, sudden thought came to mind. that time i tumpang-ed Amat Khayrul from Vivo carpark has became a phobia. so, then, i was afraid that the same thing would happen again. and lagi2, i was wearing a skirt lah eh. but then, as we walked to the carpark, it turned out that actually, the 'bike' was actually a car la eh. sheeesh! like thanks ah eh.

heez. then he sent me home. =) and, of course, he was late for class.

HAPPY LAH OK.

secondly,

when i reached home, like, actually outside coz i don't have the keys, i switched on my lappy and there, i can connect to a network. skali, when my parents reached home, aha.. it was actually from my own network. like, they've already installed a router at home, so YAAAA. now i can be online every day and every night.

WOOHHOOO.

and,

thirdly, i mean, i know i was grumbling about it ah but then, I HAVE CLASS TMR! yaahoo. I'll be taking Network Infra-structure tmr. A brand new module for me. And then, on Friday, i'll have Network security. That is so gonna be fun. Better than taking business modules sia. cool2.

oh i so love today~

and, plusss, he says that we might go out again on friday. =))) ohh happy sungguh.

so i was brash. i just acted on anger and disappointment. but it turned out to be different. i enjoyed his company and i was happy, like finally in a date. =) i felt honest and sincere about it. =)

oh you just melt me...

gone case

i wish he would do what he says he would do.

but too bad, i know him well enough. he's fickleminded. he can never do what he would say he would. i would be damn glad if he would do what he said just now. at least i won't see him anymore. but then again, yeah, he said it was just a joke. oh what the hell.

i did what he didnt like me to do. i smoked in front of him. with adi and the rest. i can't be bothered anymore. why should i hide just to smoke? to please him? hah. i can't be bothered anymore. there's no link between us so, i can do as i please.

NYAH.

whatever lar. fed up already.

that day i just blasted to Aky about him and HE was getting on my nerves. Gosh, and i felt so stupid for being crazily in love with him. AAARGH. So i complained and complained and complained. Mampos ah. I'm glad that it's over and i'm happy now that i am single and can mingle. huhu.

oh anihoos malas nak bebual about him.

i am so bored right now. my fyp ended like, after 1 1/2 hrs and it's only 11.23. AARGH. I so do not want to go home. But of course, the Starhub cable man is gonna come and install the router at home. Like, finally i'll internet at home la.

But then again, i don't wanna go home! it's too early. ishk. sape nak kluar ngan aku nie?? effingly bored. ouhh bloggie, if u're a guy i'd marry you already. you're like, the best place to pour the feelings of the heart.

alahh sayang, intan payung, emas, berliaaan.....

ok. crap.

takde maknenye semua ni.
takde arah tujuan hari ini.
macam ajer aku ni
nak pegi membawa diri.

MAMPOS.

NANTI NAK DATE NGAN ABANG ARMAN! =)

back to school

I won't want to bore anyone with tales of the first day of school.

But, just, the fact that, it's been sucha long time since i last went to class. Maybe 7 months ar. and this post, is about the memories and events that happend during the 7 months that i've been away from school, which most of the time, i've been at work.

and that's the post for today!

(abang zaid in blue)

abang man and abang zaid. my 2 favourite abangs at work. oh well, they're not around at work anymore. both of them pun resigned already. abang man went to Rhino Tours, and Abang Zaid has become a technician.

it's so boring without them around. Like as if losing my pantats was not bad enuff.

i miss AZIZ!! all the fun times we had last time. laming around. huhu.

This was during the CNY Period. haha. our kegilaan. minum teh power. =))

kekentalan dee and hilmi bile naek abang man nye rhino bus. =) jakon lah katekan.

haiz. gone case la. all those times can only be experienced time weekend. and haizz. aku rase aku pun boleh jumpe si detu weekend jer.

ABANG ARMAAAAANNNN! where're you laaa? i miss you gile rabak. abeh i mimpi about him last nite. =))

moving too fast

gosh, my life is a whirlwind.

i think that i'm moving way too fast, starting school in like, 3 days. ok, 2 days in fact. new class, new people, new modules. haiz.

yesterday, i met with my troubled niece. and i realised that we have so many in common. and well, i adviced her, though i thought i wasn't fit to even advice her coz i'm not perfect myself. she's 14 btw, adolescent i suppose. but, well, i guess, i've gone through a lot in life, so, i should, and might as well advice her. hah. and a lot of secrets were revealed. heh.

oh so, Aky asked me if i wanted to join him for a project. huhu. NAAAAK. But, i dunno if i'm qualified enough. Stakat awok2 and tulis lyric okeh ah. Buat lagu? JANGAN HARAP. Beats? MAMPOS. hahaha. but we'll see how.

Okay,

Recently, me and a friend at work were talking about how, people in sentosa have scandals and stuff. yeh, well.. i feel so sinful that i have this uber crush on a married man. nyahhhh. crappy kan. oh well.. maybe, because, he looks a lil bit like abang arman, which i have a crush since forever.

so abang arman looks geeky in this pic. but, haha. i love geeks, rmb. ok corny. haha.

but then, haiz.. i dunno lah eh. this married man, is of course, songsang jugak. huhu. but, oh well. i dunno lah. maybe just a passing infatuation i guess. just go with the flow jer walaupun today i was supposed to meet him to drink. but, none of us contacted each other so, haha. buat bodoh jer la. besok pun jumpe jugak wad at work.

But the one i reaaaally want is the guy in the pic there. aaaaargh. that selambarish face and that cool aura surrounding him just melts me. huuuu.

ok blah3...

so, the ex-bf found out that i am smoking again. heck la.. it shouldn't be any of his concern. since, he moved on, i should move on too and, I ALREADY HAVE. it's just that incident about the chalet which pissed me off and made me realise things, which i should have realise a long time ago. ah well.. the past is the past and i shouldnt be dwelling in it anymore.

i want a MAN. a MAN i say. not a BOY.
HE is a Man. But HE is married. ouhh geee.
but the other MAN, who's melting my heart, arrh.. where is he..?

=D

DEE DAH BOLEH ONLINE KAT RUMAH! hahaha. BAEK PERR!

just summore pics of the other day from my hp

Me and AdiBoy

Dengdeng Dee and Babat Aky

MAK Dee and Bapak Hisyam.


Hairil and The Endang Girls


Endangs and the 2 instructors Hairil and Nafis


Dee and Zoul
Muke aku B4 Naek stage


Merak Merah.

Okay so that's done. heh.

Yesterday's Comp

Yesterday was Andika's Competition and guess who won First???

CUCU DATUK MERAH!!

Gerek kaann.. haha.. they deserved to be the champs after a great performance and i'm sure everyone enjoyed it. their style of performing is cool laah. gerek giler. happy giler sak dorg menang.

berkobar2 and berapi-api dorang sume main. although yg selected awok some of them i don't know uh. orang baru kot? but first time tengok Fai main awok, hahaha.. berapi2 siol member. hahaha.

on top of that,

They won Paluan Terbaik ok. Baek ah Mifftah (rebana) and Adi (anak). and also Hairil (marakas) and pemain gong who i forgot sape main. haha. Miff deserve the win sia. He's been an inspiration and a big helper to me during Khatulistiwa.

And, atok MatNor menang Karut Terbaik. Steady ahhh! hahaha. He's very funny lahh. hahaha.

Besides all that, they managed to beat Kelana Purba! Gerek peerrrr! hahaha. I LIKEEEE!

To Merak Girls,

Walaupun kite tak menang, the experience training with and getting to know all of you and performing together with all of you was a great experience for me. Getting to know all the kids, Arfiq, Arbana, DannDann, Kiki, Nina and Iris, was really fun.

And it was great fun on stage. Lagi sebelah Kak Tini. haha.

Here are some pics from Jay's hp.

so yes, that was yesterday.

i saw him cry yesterday when they won. it was the first time i saw him cry. i wanted to be there for him, but, i'm no one to him. he moved on. so then when everyone was outside, i just shook his hand and he hugged me and that was the end of it. he moved on.

get it.

he moved on

but i know his parents are hoping for the same thing as i am. the other day i sent the sister back home. and his mum baked for me the chocolate chip muffin which she baked months ago which i liked. and we talked and talked..

but yes,

he moved on.

clueless

and so, i'm here to blog again.

with effing loads of things in my mind, problems after problems not solved. we pretended like they were, but in our hearts, we know that it was never solved. and what to do, the scar, sort of remains there. in complete denial.

oh well, enough about that.

we've talked it out. and hopefully, yeah, well. hopefully things will get back to normal.

my life is in utter haywire. i need a full time job. but, yes, i need time too. i want more time, so i can do everything which i enjoy. oh brother!

lovewise, i've come to forget about him, well.. 80% i guess.. it's just come up to a conclusion that, if it happens, that it happens but i won't hope for it much coz it hurts a lot a lot.

but then again, someone made my heart race. haha. he was there all the while, for 3 years but i never notice him though he was right there in front of me. oh well, we'll see how it goes. my mummy approves of him. haha. =) we went out ytd, watched Sweeney Todd. He wanted to send me home. haha. that was one funny incident. aha..

oh well.. here i end. going back to my mundane world.

pi mampos ah

amacam korang? happy per huh dapat sakitkan hati kite sume dengan kate2 kesat korg tu?

BEST PER TUNJUK SUME ORANG YANG ENDANG GADOH SESAME SENDIRI HUH?!!!

kalau korang tak suke, CAKAP ok! bile tanye jangan nak ckp, "aku tkde bende nak ckp"
WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK OK.

aku dengan ain dah tak leh tahan dengan korang peh attitude lah ok. kalau gini macam peh perangai, pintu dibuka dan korang boleh silakan kluar dan fuck off. tk payah nak stress2 per.

BOLEH BUAT BENDE YANG RELAXING AND BUAT KAU HAPPY PER!

Orang yang dah bertahun2 main dikir barat pun takde cakap dah malas nak berdikir atau dah jelak berdikir. korang ni baru je berbulan2 main dikir dah ckp tu mcm.

and stop it siak.

DO YOU FUCKING KNOW HOW MUCH EFFORT THE INSTRUCTORS PUT IN FOR THIS GROUP?

Aparrently you DON'T FUCKING KNOW~!

Tak fikir per DIORANG YANG AJAR KORANG BILER KORANG TAKDER KNOWLEDGE ABOUT DIKIR BARAT AT ALL?!

DIORANG YANG SUSAH PAYAH DATANG GI RP UNTUK AJAR KORANG?

Kenape sanggup gelar, "TU INSTRUCTOR" eh??

orang yang tak mengenang budi and FUCKING SELFISH!

ARGH!! MAMPOS AH DENGAN KORANG. ORANG MCM NI TAK SELAMAT DLM HIDOP AH.

tagged and YAYAN'S CHALET

okay.. si fafa tagged me.

8 random facts about me:

1) I'm unpredictable. You won't know what my reaction will be like, or my mood will be like. I can't predict them too.

2) I eat a lot. Yes, i get hungry fast. Sebab tu lah gemok. hahaaha

3) I loveeee the cheesetart that Atie bought kat Tamp.

4) i ADORE babies and toddlers.

5) I have more guy friends then girls.

6) I am egoistic.

7) I am a GIRL.

8) AKU BUDAK ENDANG. HAHA.

ok i'm done. hahahaha.

On Friday, went to Yayan's chalet at PasirRis Costa Sands. Met up with Jay and reached there about 5.15. And guess what?? Cik Yassin tengah baring sorang2 kat dlm bilik. Huhu! Oh, Cik Yassin is Yayan's dad.

Yayan reached there around 6 plus i guess, then Hairil came. Then later at night, Hakim and Nafis came. Then Cik Yassin went back. Then me, Jay and Yayan karaoke-d. haha.. and Elly (Yayan's cousin) and her bf came.

Nak tdo punye lah susah. The guys made like LOADS AND LOADS of noise. Sorang2 berdengkur lah okay. GEEE.

Then at 6 am, i was just about to fall asleep when Jay's alarm went on and on and on. huhuuuu. And at 7 am, the guys woke up and started to make noise again. gerek kan...So then, me, Yayan and Jay siap2 and went to White sands to buy that pair of bermudas that we wanted oh so badly. hahaha. and then, Jay went off and me and Yayan went back.

Cik Aini and Cik Yassin came. Then their relatives came.. And we started bbq-ing. AKU MASAK OKEH! HAHA. then, Karaoke-d again. and then about 3 plus, their grandma came. Dah tak kene gaya lah ok. hahaha... Then i left around 5 plus to meet my parents at Bedok.

so pics.



tgk angle Nas, Elly and Uda. huhuhu.. cute. sume facing same angle sey before amek dis pic.

ok so, ytd celebrated my Mum's bday coz today semua skola. Went to dis jemputan at Tamp and they have KUDA KEPANG OKKKK. Super cool. Feel like joining uh. Haha.. Then, went to JB, and me and my mum pampered ourselves with Thai massage again, went to eat Kebab, and went karaoke-ing. 3 days straigt karaoke-ing and listening to lagu dangdut ok. =_=""

Then after that, went to Kak Wani's place at Dataran to eat seafood. huhuuu. Ade assam pedas sedap giler.

And today's my mum's birthday. and i've to be in sch for a meeting.. geez. takpelar.

ok, i'm off.

as tears fills my eyes...

current mood:

life is an utter struggle.

nothing just seems right anymore. turn right, i fall. turn left, i fall. i'm just stuck in a deep shithole that i've created for myself. nothing is easy anymore. nothing is good anymore. nothing is nice anymore.

the certain dislikeness for 2007 just came to my thought.

3 heartbreaks with the same guy and i'm still in love with him, and i'm still waiting for him. call me stupid, but i just can't seem to let go. it's been the same guy for the past 1 year. that's something new, huh? Dee with just one guy. hahh.

so 2007,
Endang was born. I was happy, yes, my dream of opening up a dikir group in RP has come true. but, the spot, that they've put me now, i just don't know how to overcome. commitment? that is one question which they should think. i just don't want them to be egoistic and self-centered, and be like Repfus3. no, never as long as i'm around.

2007,
left me with a lot of sadness. a lot of struggle. it wasn't really a good year. debts, losses, tears. it's the worst year ever.

2008.
my hope,

1. to be a better person myself. to love myself the way that i should be loved.
2. to quit smoking, as like every year's resolution.
3. to get my car license before i turn 20.
4. to get a full time job.
5. to improve on lyric-writing.
6. to mend this broken heart.

i can't think of anymore for now.

i can't help but miss these people.. and i really hope, to meet them again one day.




i miss my pantat family.

Skip, Nisham, Fiq, Nami, Faiz. It's just so different without them around at work, plus, i am so struggling at work coz THEY expect a lot and i just can't get along with most of the new kids. I miss the pantat fam so much.

so anyways,
i know its like, very belated but i just wanna comment on it.

I am just so proud of the girls for going on thus far and like Nafis and Hairil said, kite menang di hati penonton, tak kisah lah kalau kite tak menang. But dalam hati kite, kite tau that kite pemenang.

It was the best performance from Endang ever!

I miss this little kid here.

i've only met her once but the impact that she gave to me is extraodinary. Her name is Marsha. She is His cousin. I never get along well with baby girls but, she is totally an exception. =)

So anyways, today is of course, AGM.

This is the day which, i will handover my post as Dikir Barat I/C in RP. And of course, the person is no other then,

AINNNNNN!

Dearest Ain,

I can't ever find a better candidate then you. Thanks for being there and always understanding my situation and my problems. Hanya kamu sahaja yang tahu betapa susahnya nak naikkan kumpulan ni.

I am confident that you can bring Endang to greater heights. With great power comes great responsibility, cliche but true. Be strong in any challenges that you face in the future.

I will still be around, no worries, but now, i leave it up to you.

=)

much love,
ChiCka

hiatus

i'll be gone.

to search my heart.
and my soul.

to gain the confidence that i've lost.

internet wont be the way to search for me.

so go figure.

goodbye.

suckyy

i'm feeling so sucky tonight.

maybe it's because i overheard that conversation. .

Forget it. And so, the post on my past and belated birthday. Pardon me.


2nd December, my parents bought me a new phone. yeh, nokia 6300 (same as his. huhu, didnt ask for that to happen.) and, Weiling, my workmate bought me one of my favourite perfume, Silky Girl Loving You. And, so, went to JB, and got myself a Thai Massage, something which i needed badly. It wasnt as great as Sunway's but it was good of course. Thai massages are always good.

Anyway, thanks for the birthday wishes, by sms, by tagboard, by face and by friendster.

Oh, and, huhu.. rangers. i meant, there was this time that i was hung out with them when at work, me, Hazri, Khai and Mansor. Khekhe, then, the following week, saw Hazri and Khai and they tegured me. And, Hazri, knowing what happend to me, asked if i was okay.

And then at work, on Sunday...

I was stationed at Harbourfront, then, around 10.30 i saw Abang Rafi. Then saw Khai. He walked past then went to the bus. And then, in the bus, Khai did something. Heh. Cute lah seh. Then, during Dolphin last show, saw him again. Haha.. Geeeez.

i miss us so much. too much i'd say. i dunno how long i have to wait. i'm just scared that, either of us would move on, you know, and i'm scared that someone would take his heart away.

"yg baju kuning tu hansem!!"

haiz.. yelah. that's what pakcik yassin heard. baju kuning tu, ex aku lahhhh ok pompan. haiz. sampai bile lah aku kene tunggu? this so reminds me of that 4 months period. arghh. fuckk lah ok. fuck. big fuck. big FUCK. BIG FUCK.

DIAN FARINI, STOP BEING EMOTIONAL AND STOP BORING PEOPLE WITH THIS NEVER-ENDING TALE!!

the never ending.

Yesterday morning i woke up with a heavy heart.

It's like as if my heart has been drowning in tears the previous night. I could feel it bleed. Horrible feeling. Throughout the day yesterday, at work, i wanted to cry so bad. and i sung to myself this song..

"tiada bidadari.. tiada pari-pari..
tiada seranum bunga menghurai ke bumi..
hanya dengan anyaman kasih sejati
di bina mahligai seindah syurgawi.."

and i teared. my heart cried. he sang that song to me one night and i cried as well. (yes, atie.. that's why i didnt want you to sing that song..) the song which never failed to make me cry.

last night, i had a long conversation with Abang Zaid at work. He told me to be positive. He told me that boncet and me would be back together again. but i just don't know why i'm feeling this way. my lost in faith and the faith in fate.

i used to be someone who puts her 100% faith in fate. And everything that's happened or going to happen, i would say, "That's fate.." But this time round, i don't know why i don't have trust in fate.

Maybe, it's the fact that this is the 3rd time we broke up. And, i'm just scared. The turmoil inside is unbearable. I nearly wanted to fall and breakdown at work. But, i couldn't. Not for the 3rd time as well.

And these few days, i can feel the change.

It's confusing me. One day, his actions surprised me, and i thought, why can't we just be this way? Why can't we stick to the way we were?

And the next day, he changed.

Abang Zaid said, i changed this week too. He said, i'm no longer the jovial and pampered person that i was. He said, my eyes gave away my feelings and there's too much sadness in my eyes.

I can't help it. I don't want to feel this way. I'm not trying to show what i'm feeling but like he said, my eyes show them.

Just the other day,

I was at my primary school best friend's place. She came back for holiday from Australia. And we talked for hours and hours and we talked about dating, boys and all girls stuff. and when she talked about dating, suddenly it gave me the shudders that i'm scared to date again. i can't imagine dating again.

(ouh.. just for the record, she has her own HOME THEATRE. like, LITERALLY. just imagine, a small room, with huge flat screen tv, 2 couches, surround sound, theatre curtains and a smaller room of collection of dvds. plus, dimlights like in the movies. HOW COOL IS THAT?!! And i, had the previlege to watch at THAT home theatre. And not to mention, her cat, Chloe, was super manje and her cat,made me overcome my fear and, i'm not scared of cats anymore!)

DILEMMA.

i really wanna cry really bad.

my birthday's like in 2 days and i'm so not looking forward to it. What's the point of having the birthday if i'm upset and really sad and all alone..

Dear God, grant me my wish...

whatevers

i wanted to cry when i read aky's post to his gf.
34th month anniversary pe. stay happy together alright aky and anisah. =)
best wishes you two.

and as for me, non stop tears each night. i can't believe that the day that i've been afraid of for so long has finally come. it's a nightmare. depressed over and over again. scared, time and time again.

tell me, what should i do to calm myself down. i don't wanna get over him. and that promise, i hope he keeps. i'm scared to go through the period again. that 4 months worth of wait, pain, hurt and sheer agony.

dear God, guide me through this period of my life.

let's just forget about this.

last saturday,went to work. and in the morning, abang madi, my ranger uncle, came over to talk to me and he said..

"rin.. budak ni nak kenal2 dgn kau."

and the new ranger guy was freaking embarrased. haha.. then at night, went to sit in the ranger truck then skali, Khai, Mansor and Hazri came.

and we went puffing at the corner of Beach Station. and Khai nye giler. keep singing and singing abeh i went on to 2nd fag and Hazri was like, eh... 2nd? and i was like stress la..
he asked, kenape eh?

and i was like, ditinggalkan kekasih.

and Khai, sang...

"KEKASIHHH TULIS NAMAKU DI DALAM DIARI HATIMU.."

and then...

"USAH BIARKU BERSENDIRIAAAAAN. USAH BIAR HATIMU DITAWAAAAN"

sial nye Khai.. ku dah sedih lagi nyanyi lagu gitu.

haiiz. but at least, heh.... =)

restlessness

Dear God,

please let me go through this process as painlessly as possible. it's so difficult to move on from here. just guide me out of this. i'm scared. i'm worried. so many things running through my mind. so many feelings in this heart. we promised, its for the better. maybe i can't see it now but i know i will soon.

dee.

my friend got herself twins. boy am i happy for her or what. i'm certainly glad that i was one of those who told her to keep the baby and now, they're babies! Babies are a bundle of joy really. well, i can't wait to have one of my own. hah.. dream on lah dee. your own financial sucks to the core and u wanna have a baby. geeeez.

its okay.. i have loads of babies around me. like my favourite..

huhu. my baby azakhir. my becokness baby.

haaiiiiizz.

stop the tears pleaaaasssee.

about 14th November

yesterday was utter disaster.

was out the whole day. initially the planned was to go to fyp but then, yayan called me up and asked what time will i be reaching her house. and since i promised her mum to help wif the sewing of costumes, i should go uh.. so then, i was already at woodlands then peng-ed to 168 to Bedok.

then, slacked a while then asked her mum what to do. and the mum said she'll teach me how to claim the pants. then, she said to yayan to buy some food. and yayan malas. haha. and in the end, me, Yayan and Cik Aini (her mum) ended up taking the cab to Century Square and had lunch at Food Culture.

and i thought we were just supposed to have lunch and go back. but, we went window shopping all around Century Square and saw Yayan's cousin Abang Herman. Then went around Tampines Mall and then saw Abu Zar. Then we were supposed to be on the way back but, we went to Yayan's grandma's place, also Budiman's mum's place.

anddddd.. the baby was dammmnn cute la. Her name is Marsha. =) She's hot! haha

ok then, reached back to their place. then, Hairil, Zoul and Nafis came over to have a look at the costumes. Then took cab to training.

AAANDDD, BLOODY MANGKUK.

Start training, i wanted to sedak my rebana and Nafis said no need. Use Hairil's rebana. And then, while i was using Hairil's rebana, Hairil sedak my rebana, sekali KOYAAAAKKK!

argh fed up siak. gasak kau lah hairil. mungkin pada kau rebana koyak takde pape ah. siak uh, ni rebana first aku sia.

whatever lar. dah tak kuase lar. bende dah terjadi nak buat macam mane.

that aside..

i'm single again. yeah. dun ask why. i think we're better off being friends. my mum was right. u can't put 2 hotheads together.

so i guess this is goodbye then.

ARRRGGHH

PFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTT!!!!!

FUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK LAAAAAHHH!!!

PEAVEY'S GONNEEE!

URGGGHHHHH!!!

i'm like so fuckingly not in the mood sia training. kalau aku tau tadi, aku sendiri siakk sedak! arrgghhhh.

fuckkkkfuckkkfuckk

long post ahead.

the other day, someone cried because she couldn't handle the pressure and stress of the expectations that people had of her.

and, i saw myself in her.

over and over again, people have been expecting my service. everywhere. i broke down time and time again.

they need me in dikir.
they need me at work.
they fuckingly need me in fyp.
and,
i'm very very much needed at home.

honestly, till now, i have no idea how to handle all these. if i focus on one, the other 3 suffer. so, yeah. and the only thing i can do is to take a day at a time. and the best thing that i let myself do to me, is to have a mental block.

i don't know how i do it. whatever things that stresses me up, i'd block it from my mind and not think about it until it's needed and then, i will stress myself up wif the stress.

and the other best thing that my dad taught me was to never mix and match everything up. he said,

"problems at work, are problems at work. problems at home, are problems at home. you cannot bring problems at work to home, coz then people at home will be affected. vice versa."

as shown to that girl, the handphone, the key and wallet analogy.

chin up, aight kiddo. it's just part of being in poly life, which will prepare you for your working life. and please try to control the mood swings of yours. let you control it, not it control you, after all, you're the human, IT is just feelings.

the holidays ain't holidays at all.

Monday had FYP and Endang training for the next day show.
Tuesday had Show at Bukit Timah Primary then went home, changed and went out wif the family coz it was my brother's bday.
Wednesday, supposed to have FYP but overslept. went to Endang Khatulistiwa training.
Thursday worked at 10-5 then rushed to Bob's place at Tamp for KCC Show training.

Today supposed to go bf's place but he had to help Bob to carry the chairs for KCC Hari Raya show tmr. Going back in a while, watch Hikmah 3 then out again at 6.

life is a whirlwind. how do i slow it down? tell me. in one day, i've to rush in and out in and out. haiz..

but at least, this past week, i managed to spend time with my family. and i really2 miss my brother.



NIE BAPOK SUNDAL KU!

huhu. i'm done. go home and watch HIKMAH 3!

=)

crazy days

4th November 2007

i'm burnt.
i'm drained.
i'm fucking exhausted.

my arms have 2 colours.
my whole body ithes like heck.
my pinggang hurts gile babi.
my calves are aching like mad
my feet's gone case.

as like every year for Singapore Open, i'd be effing shagged the last day. but this year, there were differences. Lots and lots of differences. Major differences this time round.

Well, initially, i was told that i wasn't involved in Singapore Open this year. That, coming from a driver instead of any of my supervisors. And i wasn't the only one who isn't involved. ALL my colleagues weren't involved. So i was thinking, what the hell. My chinese supervisor (i've 3 supervisors. 1 chinese, 1 indian, 1 malay), hired new people to work for the Open and didn't want any of us, the usual bunch, to work for the open.

It wasn't fair to us AT ALL. ALL of us were looking forward to the Open for months and then, we're not involved. What siaa... I called my malay supervisor and asked how come. and she said, even she, wasn't involved too until the manager fucked the chinese supervisor to include her.

and, i was surprised that my colleague, who is the EO's son, wasn't involved too. LIKE HELLO, ME AND HIM ARE THE SENIOREST BATCH! HOW COULD HE LEAVE US OUT?

So what the hell. The first day of the Open, at about 6 plus, my malay supervisor called me up if i could work for the Open and i said of course. So, i suspected something wrong.

And true enuff, first day was haywire.

and they had to call me and the EO's son back. Heh.

so, the saga continued for the 3 days. the Chinese supervisor is the No.1 Hated Guy on the everyone's list. So many things happened these 3 days that i've worked.

Like how, for the first time in the 3 years that i've worked for Singapore Open, i wasn't stationed at the Main Clubhouse. So, i didnt get to meet my favourite golfers like Mr Chris Rodgers and Mr Gerry Norquist and Mr Chan Song. I was stationed there on the 3rd day when i was training the new girl. And the Clubhouse people were so happy that i was there. But it didnt last long. So anyway, i checked the tee-off times for the day. Chris and Mr Norquist were out. Chan didn't participate this year. Still, i saw lots of familiar faces, and apparently, some of them remembered me.

Oh, and so.. i was at the Main Entrance roundabout most of the time. And, haha.. there was this cute cute security guy at the Main Entrance. Tall and botak. Saw him all 3 days.

But the best part of today was..

Today's my Ranger Uncle's morning shift. And that means, Abang Rafi, Abang Khairul and Abang Hazri are working. Huhu.. I saw Abang Rafi like loadsa time. Then saw Abang Hazri wif him. Then, there was once Abang Rafi stopped over and talked to me. He said, "you dah minum? nak beli air tak? you dah makan?"
read: you drink already? want to buy water? you eat already?

typical abang rafi. ahha.

den we talked for a while den i asked him. "abang khairul mane? satu hari tak nampak dia.."
read: where's abang khairul? haven't seen him the whole day..
den he said, "dia kat post. kenape? rindu die ehk?"
read: he's at post. why? miss him eh?

wahlao. takder la. just that i havent been working then i havent seen him around for so long also.

anddddd.. here comes the best part..

i was going to 7-11 wif Salina, and we saw Abang Khairul! hahaha.. den saw Abang Rafi. Den Abang Rafi said, "tu Khairul kat depan. Gi la bebual dengan dia"
read: there Khairul in front. Go and talk to him la.
i was like. "sshhhh. tknk larr."
read: dun want arr
den.. abang Rafi went to Abang Khairul and said something and Abang Khairul looked at me and said,

"Eh, tadi kau carik aku eh?"
read: eh just now u finding for me eh?

wtffff. carik or wad. gee..

but. =)

my brother took off to Thailand this morning for his NCC thingy. I teared ok. He's off to Thailand and i couldn't send him off to the airport coz i had to work. haiz.. 9 days wifout my brother, my best friend, my bastard. i hope he takes care of himself. Haizz..

ahh anyway, i miss the boyfriend a lot. Met him last on Wednesday after dikir training. tu pun skejap jer. haiz.. i tot i could meet him on Friday but they changed the venue to Bukit Panjang. and the worse part was,

it was at his EX-GIRLFRIEND'S UNCLE'S HOUSE.

what the hell. it was fucking akward and uncomfortable lah ok. i've got nothing against her lah but it just felt uncomfortable when the mum asked about him. Coz her mum wanted them to be together so badly. she was like, 'Mane Annuar? Tak datang ke?'
read: where's annuar? he's not coming?

then the guys told her that he had rehearsals at the CC. and si polan nie pulak looked at me and asked,

"Dee asal kau senyum2 ni?"
read: Dee, why're u smiling?

GEE. I know what the heck is going on ok. Apparent her mum still hopes that they're together and still looks for him.

and i was talking to him the same night and he said that the mum msged him and asked him why he didnt come. and i said to him lah it was uncomfortable and awkward for me that time. and i said i don't know why i felt that way. and he guessed right actually about the awkward feeling.

it's the fact that i was at the house of the ex-girlfriend who's mum seems to be wanting them back together and having the mum there was uncomfy. i'm ok with the ex-gf. really. just, the mum i guess.

haizz.. crazy week i've had. crazier week ahead. haiz.

cheebayleestress.

i've been fucking stressed up. with so many things. so little time.

and i thought work would be the last thing which would stress me up but apparently, it's still stressing me up. and i was so confident that i would get selected for the Singapore Open thing but i wasn't. it wasnt until i made a fuss about it and cik Jamilah talked to the manager about it and i managed to work for it.

work, one thing.

dk another. that's the biggest stress right now. i think only Ain knows how stressed i am. and i definitely noe how stressed she is. haiz.. entah lah.. somemore ader odyssey, even though i'm not involved, it's definitely putting stress on me. and to add on, Khatulistiwa, dah ler tak main awok. stress siak.

and fyp. pp. school.

django? ajax? ah buto la. pp due at 2359 hrs tonight. i havent do my rework. pp evaluation next week. ah fuck lah. i'm just gonna have to take it next year then. i'm repeating year 3 anyways. i havent been going to class. mampos lah. school is something which i'm totally giving up sia. i've tried. i can't continue seh. haizz. dunno la.

family.

my mum is so gonna merajuk if i dun go for the Indonesia trip coz it's her wedding anniversary on 20th Dec which is like, 2 fucking days before Khatulistiwa. and apparently, she's like not understanding it. and she says i've no time for family already, which is kinda true. but, siakkk uhh.. it's not that i don't want seh. i've got other commitments. PLUS, kalau this comp aku main awok takper sakz. URGGGHH.

oh my dearest cousin, i'm definitely not stressed about relationship. it's going on pretty well, actually. we're bof stressed about things but not each other. okay, maybe he's stressed wif me if i don't get my beats right. haha. but, other than that, we're pretty ok lah.

only, i just hope what she said during our training affect him lar.