clueless

and so, i'm here to blog again.

with effing loads of things in my mind, problems after problems not solved. we pretended like they were, but in our hearts, we know that it was never solved. and what to do, the scar, sort of remains there. in complete denial.

oh well, enough about that.

we've talked it out. and hopefully, yeah, well. hopefully things will get back to normal.

my life is in utter haywire. i need a full time job. but, yes, i need time too. i want more time, so i can do everything which i enjoy. oh brother!

lovewise, i've come to forget about him, well.. 80% i guess.. it's just come up to a conclusion that, if it happens, that it happens but i won't hope for it much coz it hurts a lot a lot.

but then again, someone made my heart race. haha. he was there all the while, for 3 years but i never notice him though he was right there in front of me. oh well, we'll see how it goes. my mummy approves of him. haha. =) we went out ytd, watched Sweeney Todd. He wanted to send me home. haha. that was one funny incident. aha..

oh well.. here i end. going back to my mundane world.

pi mampos ah

amacam korang? happy per huh dapat sakitkan hati kite sume dengan kate2 kesat korg tu?

BEST PER TUNJUK SUME ORANG YANG ENDANG GADOH SESAME SENDIRI HUH?!!!

kalau korang tak suke, CAKAP ok! bile tanye jangan nak ckp, "aku tkde bende nak ckp"
WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK OK.

aku dengan ain dah tak leh tahan dengan korang peh attitude lah ok. kalau gini macam peh perangai, pintu dibuka dan korang boleh silakan kluar dan fuck off. tk payah nak stress2 per.

BOLEH BUAT BENDE YANG RELAXING AND BUAT KAU HAPPY PER!

Orang yang dah bertahun2 main dikir barat pun takde cakap dah malas nak berdikir atau dah jelak berdikir. korang ni baru je berbulan2 main dikir dah ckp tu mcm.

and stop it siak.

DO YOU FUCKING KNOW HOW MUCH EFFORT THE INSTRUCTORS PUT IN FOR THIS GROUP?

Aparrently you DON'T FUCKING KNOW~!

Tak fikir per DIORANG YANG AJAR KORANG BILER KORANG TAKDER KNOWLEDGE ABOUT DIKIR BARAT AT ALL?!

DIORANG YANG SUSAH PAYAH DATANG GI RP UNTUK AJAR KORANG?

Kenape sanggup gelar, "TU INSTRUCTOR" eh??

orang yang tak mengenang budi and FUCKING SELFISH!

ARGH!! MAMPOS AH DENGAN KORANG. ORANG MCM NI TAK SELAMAT DLM HIDOP AH.

tagged and YAYAN'S CHALET

okay.. si fafa tagged me.

8 random facts about me:

1) I'm unpredictable. You won't know what my reaction will be like, or my mood will be like. I can't predict them too.

2) I eat a lot. Yes, i get hungry fast. Sebab tu lah gemok. hahaaha

3) I loveeee the cheesetart that Atie bought kat Tamp.

4) i ADORE babies and toddlers.

5) I have more guy friends then girls.

6) I am egoistic.

7) I am a GIRL.

8) AKU BUDAK ENDANG. HAHA.

ok i'm done. hahahaha.

On Friday, went to Yayan's chalet at PasirRis Costa Sands. Met up with Jay and reached there about 5.15. And guess what?? Cik Yassin tengah baring sorang2 kat dlm bilik. Huhu! Oh, Cik Yassin is Yayan's dad.

Yayan reached there around 6 plus i guess, then Hairil came. Then later at night, Hakim and Nafis came. Then Cik Yassin went back. Then me, Jay and Yayan karaoke-d. haha.. and Elly (Yayan's cousin) and her bf came.

Nak tdo punye lah susah. The guys made like LOADS AND LOADS of noise. Sorang2 berdengkur lah okay. GEEE.

Then at 6 am, i was just about to fall asleep when Jay's alarm went on and on and on. huhuuuu. And at 7 am, the guys woke up and started to make noise again. gerek kan...So then, me, Yayan and Jay siap2 and went to White sands to buy that pair of bermudas that we wanted oh so badly. hahaha. and then, Jay went off and me and Yayan went back.

Cik Aini and Cik Yassin came. Then their relatives came.. And we started bbq-ing. AKU MASAK OKEH! HAHA. then, Karaoke-d again. and then about 3 plus, their grandma came. Dah tak kene gaya lah ok. hahaha... Then i left around 5 plus to meet my parents at Bedok.

so pics.



tgk angle Nas, Elly and Uda. huhuhu.. cute. sume facing same angle sey before amek dis pic.

ok so, ytd celebrated my Mum's bday coz today semua skola. Went to dis jemputan at Tamp and they have KUDA KEPANG OKKKK. Super cool. Feel like joining uh. Haha.. Then, went to JB, and me and my mum pampered ourselves with Thai massage again, went to eat Kebab, and went karaoke-ing. 3 days straigt karaoke-ing and listening to lagu dangdut ok. =_=""

Then after that, went to Kak Wani's place at Dataran to eat seafood. huhuuu. Ade assam pedas sedap giler.

And today's my mum's birthday. and i've to be in sch for a meeting.. geez. takpelar.

ok, i'm off.

as tears fills my eyes...

current mood:

life is an utter struggle.

nothing just seems right anymore. turn right, i fall. turn left, i fall. i'm just stuck in a deep shithole that i've created for myself. nothing is easy anymore. nothing is good anymore. nothing is nice anymore.

the certain dislikeness for 2007 just came to my thought.

3 heartbreaks with the same guy and i'm still in love with him, and i'm still waiting for him. call me stupid, but i just can't seem to let go. it's been the same guy for the past 1 year. that's something new, huh? Dee with just one guy. hahh.

so 2007,
Endang was born. I was happy, yes, my dream of opening up a dikir group in RP has come true. but, the spot, that they've put me now, i just don't know how to overcome. commitment? that is one question which they should think. i just don't want them to be egoistic and self-centered, and be like Repfus3. no, never as long as i'm around.

2007,
left me with a lot of sadness. a lot of struggle. it wasn't really a good year. debts, losses, tears. it's the worst year ever.

2008.
my hope,

1. to be a better person myself. to love myself the way that i should be loved.
2. to quit smoking, as like every year's resolution.
3. to get my car license before i turn 20.
4. to get a full time job.
5. to improve on lyric-writing.
6. to mend this broken heart.

i can't think of anymore for now.

i can't help but miss these people.. and i really hope, to meet them again one day.




i miss my pantat family.

Skip, Nisham, Fiq, Nami, Faiz. It's just so different without them around at work, plus, i am so struggling at work coz THEY expect a lot and i just can't get along with most of the new kids. I miss the pantat fam so much.

so anyways,
i know its like, very belated but i just wanna comment on it.

I am just so proud of the girls for going on thus far and like Nafis and Hairil said, kite menang di hati penonton, tak kisah lah kalau kite tak menang. But dalam hati kite, kite tau that kite pemenang.

It was the best performance from Endang ever!

I miss this little kid here.

i've only met her once but the impact that she gave to me is extraodinary. Her name is Marsha. She is His cousin. I never get along well with baby girls but, she is totally an exception. =)

So anyways, today is of course, AGM.

This is the day which, i will handover my post as Dikir Barat I/C in RP. And of course, the person is no other then,

AINNNNNN!

Dearest Ain,

I can't ever find a better candidate then you. Thanks for being there and always understanding my situation and my problems. Hanya kamu sahaja yang tahu betapa susahnya nak naikkan kumpulan ni.

I am confident that you can bring Endang to greater heights. With great power comes great responsibility, cliche but true. Be strong in any challenges that you face in the future.

I will still be around, no worries, but now, i leave it up to you.

=)

much love,
ChiCka

hiatus

i'll be gone.

to search my heart.
and my soul.

to gain the confidence that i've lost.

internet wont be the way to search for me.

so go figure.

goodbye.

suckyy

i'm feeling so sucky tonight.

maybe it's because i overheard that conversation. .

Forget it. And so, the post on my past and belated birthday. Pardon me.


2nd December, my parents bought me a new phone. yeh, nokia 6300 (same as his. huhu, didnt ask for that to happen.) and, Weiling, my workmate bought me one of my favourite perfume, Silky Girl Loving You. And, so, went to JB, and got myself a Thai Massage, something which i needed badly. It wasnt as great as Sunway's but it was good of course. Thai massages are always good.

Anyway, thanks for the birthday wishes, by sms, by tagboard, by face and by friendster.

Oh, and, huhu.. rangers. i meant, there was this time that i was hung out with them when at work, me, Hazri, Khai and Mansor. Khekhe, then, the following week, saw Hazri and Khai and they tegured me. And, Hazri, knowing what happend to me, asked if i was okay.

And then at work, on Sunday...

I was stationed at Harbourfront, then, around 10.30 i saw Abang Rafi. Then saw Khai. He walked past then went to the bus. And then, in the bus, Khai did something. Heh. Cute lah seh. Then, during Dolphin last show, saw him again. Haha.. Geeeez.

i miss us so much. too much i'd say. i dunno how long i have to wait. i'm just scared that, either of us would move on, you know, and i'm scared that someone would take his heart away.

"yg baju kuning tu hansem!!"

haiz.. yelah. that's what pakcik yassin heard. baju kuning tu, ex aku lahhhh ok pompan. haiz. sampai bile lah aku kene tunggu? this so reminds me of that 4 months period. arghh. fuckk lah ok. fuck. big fuck. big FUCK. BIG FUCK.

DIAN FARINI, STOP BEING EMOTIONAL AND STOP BORING PEOPLE WITH THIS NEVER-ENDING TALE!!

the never ending.

Yesterday morning i woke up with a heavy heart.

It's like as if my heart has been drowning in tears the previous night. I could feel it bleed. Horrible feeling. Throughout the day yesterday, at work, i wanted to cry so bad. and i sung to myself this song..

"tiada bidadari.. tiada pari-pari..
tiada seranum bunga menghurai ke bumi..
hanya dengan anyaman kasih sejati
di bina mahligai seindah syurgawi.."

and i teared. my heart cried. he sang that song to me one night and i cried as well. (yes, atie.. that's why i didnt want you to sing that song..) the song which never failed to make me cry.

last night, i had a long conversation with Abang Zaid at work. He told me to be positive. He told me that boncet and me would be back together again. but i just don't know why i'm feeling this way. my lost in faith and the faith in fate.

i used to be someone who puts her 100% faith in fate. And everything that's happened or going to happen, i would say, "That's fate.." But this time round, i don't know why i don't have trust in fate.

Maybe, it's the fact that this is the 3rd time we broke up. And, i'm just scared. The turmoil inside is unbearable. I nearly wanted to fall and breakdown at work. But, i couldn't. Not for the 3rd time as well.

And these few days, i can feel the change.

It's confusing me. One day, his actions surprised me, and i thought, why can't we just be this way? Why can't we stick to the way we were?

And the next day, he changed.

Abang Zaid said, i changed this week too. He said, i'm no longer the jovial and pampered person that i was. He said, my eyes gave away my feelings and there's too much sadness in my eyes.

I can't help it. I don't want to feel this way. I'm not trying to show what i'm feeling but like he said, my eyes show them.

Just the other day,

I was at my primary school best friend's place. She came back for holiday from Australia. And we talked for hours and hours and we talked about dating, boys and all girls stuff. and when she talked about dating, suddenly it gave me the shudders that i'm scared to date again. i can't imagine dating again.

(ouh.. just for the record, she has her own HOME THEATRE. like, LITERALLY. just imagine, a small room, with huge flat screen tv, 2 couches, surround sound, theatre curtains and a smaller room of collection of dvds. plus, dimlights like in the movies. HOW COOL IS THAT?!! And i, had the previlege to watch at THAT home theatre. And not to mention, her cat, Chloe, was super manje and her cat,made me overcome my fear and, i'm not scared of cats anymore!)

DILEMMA.

i really wanna cry really bad.

my birthday's like in 2 days and i'm so not looking forward to it. What's the point of having the birthday if i'm upset and really sad and all alone..

Dear God, grant me my wish...

whatevers

i wanted to cry when i read aky's post to his gf.
34th month anniversary pe. stay happy together alright aky and anisah. =)
best wishes you two.

and as for me, non stop tears each night. i can't believe that the day that i've been afraid of for so long has finally come. it's a nightmare. depressed over and over again. scared, time and time again.

tell me, what should i do to calm myself down. i don't wanna get over him. and that promise, i hope he keeps. i'm scared to go through the period again. that 4 months worth of wait, pain, hurt and sheer agony.

dear God, guide me through this period of my life.

let's just forget about this.

last saturday,went to work. and in the morning, abang madi, my ranger uncle, came over to talk to me and he said..

"rin.. budak ni nak kenal2 dgn kau."

and the new ranger guy was freaking embarrased. haha.. then at night, went to sit in the ranger truck then skali, Khai, Mansor and Hazri came.

and we went puffing at the corner of Beach Station. and Khai nye giler. keep singing and singing abeh i went on to 2nd fag and Hazri was like, eh... 2nd? and i was like stress la..
he asked, kenape eh?

and i was like, ditinggalkan kekasih.

and Khai, sang...

"KEKASIHHH TULIS NAMAKU DI DALAM DIARI HATIMU.."

and then...

"USAH BIARKU BERSENDIRIAAAAAN. USAH BIAR HATIMU DITAWAAAAN"

sial nye Khai.. ku dah sedih lagi nyanyi lagu gitu.

haiiz. but at least, heh.... =)

restlessness

Dear God,

please let me go through this process as painlessly as possible. it's so difficult to move on from here. just guide me out of this. i'm scared. i'm worried. so many things running through my mind. so many feelings in this heart. we promised, its for the better. maybe i can't see it now but i know i will soon.

dee.

my friend got herself twins. boy am i happy for her or what. i'm certainly glad that i was one of those who told her to keep the baby and now, they're babies! Babies are a bundle of joy really. well, i can't wait to have one of my own. hah.. dream on lah dee. your own financial sucks to the core and u wanna have a baby. geeeez.

its okay.. i have loads of babies around me. like my favourite..

huhu. my baby azakhir. my becokness baby.

haaiiiiizz.

stop the tears pleaaaasssee.

about 14th November

yesterday was utter disaster.

was out the whole day. initially the planned was to go to fyp but then, yayan called me up and asked what time will i be reaching her house. and since i promised her mum to help wif the sewing of costumes, i should go uh.. so then, i was already at woodlands then peng-ed to 168 to Bedok.

then, slacked a while then asked her mum what to do. and the mum said she'll teach me how to claim the pants. then, she said to yayan to buy some food. and yayan malas. haha. and in the end, me, Yayan and Cik Aini (her mum) ended up taking the cab to Century Square and had lunch at Food Culture.

and i thought we were just supposed to have lunch and go back. but, we went window shopping all around Century Square and saw Yayan's cousin Abang Herman. Then went around Tampines Mall and then saw Abu Zar. Then we were supposed to be on the way back but, we went to Yayan's grandma's place, also Budiman's mum's place.

anddddd.. the baby was dammmnn cute la. Her name is Marsha. =) She's hot! haha

ok then, reached back to their place. then, Hairil, Zoul and Nafis came over to have a look at the costumes. Then took cab to training.

AAANDDD, BLOODY MANGKUK.

Start training, i wanted to sedak my rebana and Nafis said no need. Use Hairil's rebana. And then, while i was using Hairil's rebana, Hairil sedak my rebana, sekali KOYAAAAKKK!

argh fed up siak. gasak kau lah hairil. mungkin pada kau rebana koyak takde pape ah. siak uh, ni rebana first aku sia.

whatever lar. dah tak kuase lar. bende dah terjadi nak buat macam mane.

that aside..

i'm single again. yeah. dun ask why. i think we're better off being friends. my mum was right. u can't put 2 hotheads together.

so i guess this is goodbye then.

ARRRGGHH

PFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTT!!!!!

FUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK LAAAAAHHH!!!

PEAVEY'S GONNEEE!

URGGGHHHHH!!!

i'm like so fuckingly not in the mood sia training. kalau aku tau tadi, aku sendiri siakk sedak! arrgghhhh.

fuckkkkfuckkkfuckk

long post ahead.

the other day, someone cried because she couldn't handle the pressure and stress of the expectations that people had of her.

and, i saw myself in her.

over and over again, people have been expecting my service. everywhere. i broke down time and time again.

they need me in dikir.
they need me at work.
they fuckingly need me in fyp.
and,
i'm very very much needed at home.

honestly, till now, i have no idea how to handle all these. if i focus on one, the other 3 suffer. so, yeah. and the only thing i can do is to take a day at a time. and the best thing that i let myself do to me, is to have a mental block.

i don't know how i do it. whatever things that stresses me up, i'd block it from my mind and not think about it until it's needed and then, i will stress myself up wif the stress.

and the other best thing that my dad taught me was to never mix and match everything up. he said,

"problems at work, are problems at work. problems at home, are problems at home. you cannot bring problems at work to home, coz then people at home will be affected. vice versa."

as shown to that girl, the handphone, the key and wallet analogy.

chin up, aight kiddo. it's just part of being in poly life, which will prepare you for your working life. and please try to control the mood swings of yours. let you control it, not it control you, after all, you're the human, IT is just feelings.

the holidays ain't holidays at all.

Monday had FYP and Endang training for the next day show.
Tuesday had Show at Bukit Timah Primary then went home, changed and went out wif the family coz it was my brother's bday.
Wednesday, supposed to have FYP but overslept. went to Endang Khatulistiwa training.
Thursday worked at 10-5 then rushed to Bob's place at Tamp for KCC Show training.

Today supposed to go bf's place but he had to help Bob to carry the chairs for KCC Hari Raya show tmr. Going back in a while, watch Hikmah 3 then out again at 6.

life is a whirlwind. how do i slow it down? tell me. in one day, i've to rush in and out in and out. haiz..

but at least, this past week, i managed to spend time with my family. and i really2 miss my brother.



NIE BAPOK SUNDAL KU!

huhu. i'm done. go home and watch HIKMAH 3!

=)

crazy days

4th November 2007

i'm burnt.
i'm drained.
i'm fucking exhausted.

my arms have 2 colours.
my whole body ithes like heck.
my pinggang hurts gile babi.
my calves are aching like mad
my feet's gone case.

as like every year for Singapore Open, i'd be effing shagged the last day. but this year, there were differences. Lots and lots of differences. Major differences this time round.

Well, initially, i was told that i wasn't involved in Singapore Open this year. That, coming from a driver instead of any of my supervisors. And i wasn't the only one who isn't involved. ALL my colleagues weren't involved. So i was thinking, what the hell. My chinese supervisor (i've 3 supervisors. 1 chinese, 1 indian, 1 malay), hired new people to work for the Open and didn't want any of us, the usual bunch, to work for the open.

It wasn't fair to us AT ALL. ALL of us were looking forward to the Open for months and then, we're not involved. What siaa... I called my malay supervisor and asked how come. and she said, even she, wasn't involved too until the manager fucked the chinese supervisor to include her.

and, i was surprised that my colleague, who is the EO's son, wasn't involved too. LIKE HELLO, ME AND HIM ARE THE SENIOREST BATCH! HOW COULD HE LEAVE US OUT?

So what the hell. The first day of the Open, at about 6 plus, my malay supervisor called me up if i could work for the Open and i said of course. So, i suspected something wrong.

And true enuff, first day was haywire.

and they had to call me and the EO's son back. Heh.

so, the saga continued for the 3 days. the Chinese supervisor is the No.1 Hated Guy on the everyone's list. So many things happened these 3 days that i've worked.

Like how, for the first time in the 3 years that i've worked for Singapore Open, i wasn't stationed at the Main Clubhouse. So, i didnt get to meet my favourite golfers like Mr Chris Rodgers and Mr Gerry Norquist and Mr Chan Song. I was stationed there on the 3rd day when i was training the new girl. And the Clubhouse people were so happy that i was there. But it didnt last long. So anyway, i checked the tee-off times for the day. Chris and Mr Norquist were out. Chan didn't participate this year. Still, i saw lots of familiar faces, and apparently, some of them remembered me.

Oh, and so.. i was at the Main Entrance roundabout most of the time. And, haha.. there was this cute cute security guy at the Main Entrance. Tall and botak. Saw him all 3 days.

But the best part of today was..

Today's my Ranger Uncle's morning shift. And that means, Abang Rafi, Abang Khairul and Abang Hazri are working. Huhu.. I saw Abang Rafi like loadsa time. Then saw Abang Hazri wif him. Then, there was once Abang Rafi stopped over and talked to me. He said, "you dah minum? nak beli air tak? you dah makan?"
read: you drink already? want to buy water? you eat already?

typical abang rafi. ahha.

den we talked for a while den i asked him. "abang khairul mane? satu hari tak nampak dia.."
read: where's abang khairul? haven't seen him the whole day..
den he said, "dia kat post. kenape? rindu die ehk?"
read: he's at post. why? miss him eh?

wahlao. takder la. just that i havent been working then i havent seen him around for so long also.

anddddd.. here comes the best part..

i was going to 7-11 wif Salina, and we saw Abang Khairul! hahaha.. den saw Abang Rafi. Den Abang Rafi said, "tu Khairul kat depan. Gi la bebual dengan dia"
read: there Khairul in front. Go and talk to him la.
i was like. "sshhhh. tknk larr."
read: dun want arr
den.. abang Rafi went to Abang Khairul and said something and Abang Khairul looked at me and said,

"Eh, tadi kau carik aku eh?"
read: eh just now u finding for me eh?

wtffff. carik or wad. gee..

but. =)

my brother took off to Thailand this morning for his NCC thingy. I teared ok. He's off to Thailand and i couldn't send him off to the airport coz i had to work. haiz.. 9 days wifout my brother, my best friend, my bastard. i hope he takes care of himself. Haizz..

ahh anyway, i miss the boyfriend a lot. Met him last on Wednesday after dikir training. tu pun skejap jer. haiz.. i tot i could meet him on Friday but they changed the venue to Bukit Panjang. and the worse part was,

it was at his EX-GIRLFRIEND'S UNCLE'S HOUSE.

what the hell. it was fucking akward and uncomfortable lah ok. i've got nothing against her lah but it just felt uncomfortable when the mum asked about him. Coz her mum wanted them to be together so badly. she was like, 'Mane Annuar? Tak datang ke?'
read: where's annuar? he's not coming?

then the guys told her that he had rehearsals at the CC. and si polan nie pulak looked at me and asked,

"Dee asal kau senyum2 ni?"
read: Dee, why're u smiling?

GEE. I know what the heck is going on ok. Apparent her mum still hopes that they're together and still looks for him.

and i was talking to him the same night and he said that the mum msged him and asked him why he didnt come. and i said to him lah it was uncomfortable and awkward for me that time. and i said i don't know why i felt that way. and he guessed right actually about the awkward feeling.

it's the fact that i was at the house of the ex-girlfriend who's mum seems to be wanting them back together and having the mum there was uncomfy. i'm ok with the ex-gf. really. just, the mum i guess.

haizz.. crazy week i've had. crazier week ahead. haiz.

cheebayleestress.

i've been fucking stressed up. with so many things. so little time.

and i thought work would be the last thing which would stress me up but apparently, it's still stressing me up. and i was so confident that i would get selected for the Singapore Open thing but i wasn't. it wasnt until i made a fuss about it and cik Jamilah talked to the manager about it and i managed to work for it.

work, one thing.

dk another. that's the biggest stress right now. i think only Ain knows how stressed i am. and i definitely noe how stressed she is. haiz.. entah lah.. somemore ader odyssey, even though i'm not involved, it's definitely putting stress on me. and to add on, Khatulistiwa, dah ler tak main awok. stress siak.

and fyp. pp. school.

django? ajax? ah buto la. pp due at 2359 hrs tonight. i havent do my rework. pp evaluation next week. ah fuck lah. i'm just gonna have to take it next year then. i'm repeating year 3 anyways. i havent been going to class. mampos lah. school is something which i'm totally giving up sia. i've tried. i can't continue seh. haizz. dunno la.

family.

my mum is so gonna merajuk if i dun go for the Indonesia trip coz it's her wedding anniversary on 20th Dec which is like, 2 fucking days before Khatulistiwa. and apparently, she's like not understanding it. and she says i've no time for family already, which is kinda true. but, siakkk uhh.. it's not that i don't want seh. i've got other commitments. PLUS, kalau this comp aku main awok takper sakz. URGGGHH.

oh my dearest cousin, i'm definitely not stressed about relationship. it's going on pretty well, actually. we're bof stressed about things but not each other. okay, maybe he's stressed wif me if i don't get my beats right. haha. but, other than that, we're pretty ok lah.

only, i just hope what she said during our training affect him lar.

done.

one rainy night, u put a camera in front of these people, and this is what you get. =)

it's been a long time. since everything.

when was the last time i went to class? (surat dah sampai lah ok)
when was the last time i went to my fyp meeting?
when was the last time i blogged?

and like, of course, lots more.

had a tiff with the boyfriend last night. cried like no ones business. it's only natural ok. he doesnt like to hear or see me cry. he thinks its weak. talked to zoul. then talked to faizal from ma workplace. felt much better.

faizal said, to give up.

hah, well.. maybe the old Deey would give up in a relationship. But not this one. Not this time round. i love him.. went to sleep after that and lost track of time until he msged me in the morning and asked me out.

and out we went wif yayan to wild wild wet. it was nuts but, yeah, was fun. =)

ok well so enuff about that.

my blardy brother lost my laptop charger. fucccck. urggh.

ok i'm done.

baby, i love youu.

us

reading those 6 words, you just don't know it cheered my night up in just seconds.

i've really missed you a lot. you know i do, and i'm glad that you felt that way too. we've just been too distant lately, minding our own lives first before minding our lives together.

i love you. i mean it.

randoms.

i kinda hate today. i hate the module.

ok so whatever larhh.

went to school with Nua. every break went out to smoke coz both of us were effing sleepy lah. i went to fetch my cousin from the Airport this morning, reached home at 5am. woke up at 6.50. and went to school.

boredom.

oh anyway,

HAPPY 15TH BIRTHDAY TO MY YOUNGER BROTHER SHAFIKKI.



huhu.. kids nowadays, they just grow up so fast.

i miss my boyfriend. alotalot.
baby, i need you.

about 13th oct

oh yess. after a year plus, i've finally edited my blog template a little bit. nyahhaha. not my best work coz aku malas. so, just a change to refresh the look of this berlapok blog.

reply to tags first:

ahmad: alamkk,rabak uhh question number 36.malu,..ehh im still studyin laarh..
ChiCka: aah sey.. like so SPOT ON kann. haha. iyekeer.. study kat sentosa keppe.. alah. ko belum start skola lagik per..

Nouru: LOL! Black head again!I'm black head 24/7/
Nouru: Btw, abt the Sentosa thingy, give me 2 weeks (probably 2nd week of Raya) to give you a definite answer. Need to gauge my schoolwork the load de...
ChiCka: what black head? u got blackheads again? oh alright.. just tell me when u're ready for it.

Aky: Melampau eh... Sesungguh nye aku tk fren ko agi. haha
Aky: kat sane aku mkn dengdeng babat DIAN..haha
Aky: LoOk at my blog
ChiCka: Aky melampau sey spam aku tags. aku pun tk fren ko lagi ahhk. EHKK! babat2 slow sikit okeh.. stop it ehh. haha. ko nye babat lagi byk sehhk!

okay enough of the tags.

TOMORROW IS MY 2ND MONTH ANNIVERSARY WITH BOYFIE AND TOMORROW IS HARI RAYA TOO! And.. TMR,
HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY KHAIRULANUAR!

ok, so everyone's posting blogs about raya tmr.

Selamat Hari Raya to all who's reading this. i apologise if whatever i said pissed some of u all off, especially to the Endang girls, i apologise if my actions hurt some of you and yeah, maaf zahir dan batin, ye.

this Ramadan, was the toughest ever Ramadan period i'd have to go through. I did improve on fasting. I remembered when i was in:

Year 1, i only fasted for a week. 3 1/2 weeks gone on smoking and period.
Year 2, better by a bit. Fasted about 2 weeks, 2 1/2 weeks on smoking and period again.
Year 3, 3 weeks, 1 week by period, 2 days coz of smoking, 2 days cause i was injected, 1 day coz i couldnt stand the hunger.

Alah, even so, tak tentu whether some of my puasa days are batal-ed or not.

So anyways, if you all had known, i dyed my hair orange during 2nd week of Ramadan and after that, my parents drifted apart from me. They didnt talk to me and going back home is like going back to a hotel room. Nothing went right. I got picked on for every little thing that i didnt do.

Had a major war going on with my dad one night. and it was the first ever time that i screamed back at him just to defend myself. i know, it wasnt right. but enough of the sarcasm, enough of just saying but not helping. all these while, i've kept quiet and just take whatever he said of me. but that night, it was pretty bad. and the same night, my parents fought and mum went out of the hse at blardy 1.30 am, something which she's never done before.

and it was the first time too, that my 15 year old brother actually knocked some sense to me. a 15 year old boy, scolding a 19 year old girl. whatever he said was true, i'd admit that. it hurts but, it was true.

and for the first time too, abang zaid actually scolded me when he read my brother's msg.

and i had to, dye my hair black again, and try my very best to get my parents' trust again, and just be my parent's little girl again.

he gave me the money to dye my hair black again.

and when i dyed my hair black again, miraculously, my parents were nice to me. imagine what colors does to your life aye? haha. corny.

what i'm trying to get at is, i'm definitely hating the fact that my hair is black. hating it to the core. but, in order to get my parent's attention and trust, i have to give in.

i never liked to give in. i hate giving in. my ego would not have allow me to give in. but i did.

and this, i learnt, giving in does not mean that i lost. it gave my parent's attention back to me.

DearGod,i've sinned again.

long long survey

Answer the following questions:

1. The person who tag you is?
NOURU! AIYOH! Very long sia the survey.

2. Your relationship with him/her is?My secondary school best mate. =)

3. Your 5 impressions of him/her?
-unpredictable thoughts
-may seem gentle but he bites.
-he's definitely enjoying life nw then before in sec sch
- TSUKIKO AMANO FAN~!
- he's a rojak blood. =) ahah

4. The most memorable thing he/she had done for you?
ohh gosh. tonnes and tonnes of em. he gave me dis heart he drew and cut out when i was 13 and he was 14. i still keep it.

5. The most memorable words he/she had said to you?
we talk a lot. i can't really remember.

6. If he/she becomes your lover, you will?
been there done that. and we're like soooo much better off as friends.

7. If he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be?
uhhh. i don't know. he's just unique the way he is.

8. If he/she becomes your enemy you will?
i can't imagine that sia. really.

11.Your overall impression of him/her is?
Look at Qn 3.

13.The character(s) you love of yourself is/are?
i'm pampered. but no matter whatever that pulls me down, i still manage to keep calm. i'm patient i guess

14.On the contrary, the character(s) you hate of yourself is/are?
i'm too patient till people take advantage of me.

15.The most ideal person you want to be is?
someone who's strong in whatever obstacles i face.

16.Pass this quiz to 10 people.in alphabetic order.

1. atie

2. ahmad

3. aky

4. diana_vanderh =)

5. farah

6. jay

7. lee

8. linda santos

9. shacute

10. syasya

17.Who is no.6 having relationship with?
WAKAKAKA. i know whooo. his name is MR S.

18.Is no.9 a male or female?
Female.

19.If no.7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?
nah. they don't know each other and they're both females



20.How about no.8 and 5?
oh, they were classmates. aha. and they're both females, again.


21.What is no.2 studying about?

He's not studying.He's working in sentosa.


22.When was the last time you had a chat with no.3?
Last August during Endang's chalet.


23.What kind of music band does no.8 like?
she's a bit of rockish and indie.

24.Does no.1 has any siblings?
yepps.

25.Will you woo no.3?
AKY?! Giler pe? He's got a gf and i've got a bf. kalau aku single pun aku taknak. huahuahua


26.Is no.4 single?
i would like to think that she's finally found mr right, but, what do i know?


27.What's the surname of no.5?
farah bte maz'ali?


28.What's the hobby of no.4?
she loves to sing, and play the guitar. she loves music. =)

29.Do no.5 and 9 get along well?
they don't know each other

30.Where is no.2 studying at?
for the 2nd time, he's not studying!

31.Talk something casually about no.1?
no.1 would be someone i think is very straightforward and very talented.

32.Have you try developing feelings for no.8? '
brewww no~ we'll be like, i hate you bitch. ahaha.

33.Where does no.9 live at?
yew tee? choa chu kang? agaknye lah tu.


34.What color does no.4 like?
oh my god. i don't know.

35.Are no.5 and 1 best friends?
they don't know each other.


36.Does no.7 likes no.2?
haha. no but 2's trying to ask 7 out for a date.


37.How do you get to know no.2?
at work. he's my colleague

38.Does no.1 have any pets?
i don't know.

39.Is no.7 the sexiest person in the world?
HAHAHA. Ohh yesss.. hornily yes. =) ahha

glimpse of the past.

yeps,

for those who do not know, my hair is back to black. (maaaaakaaaaaaaau fedd up seeeeyaaaak!) this is because, abang zaid has been tegur-ing me non stop about my hair and he even gave me the money to dye my hair black back. and, now, it's really black. like, after all this years, my hair is finally black. like, all black. and its even darker den usual natural black. jet black. arrrggggggh.

but the good thing is that, it matches my all my kebayas for raya. =) i'm gonna leave it for a few months then i'm gonna dye my hair again. i don't care.

OH HEHHH. After all these months, haha.. Abang Shahid talked to me. The Abang Ranger with floppy hair. =) So, okay laa.. I HAD a crush on him last time but he's married and has 2 kids. Back to my story.. I was at work on Saturday at Dolphin Lagoon. And he was there. I gave this look, something to do with my lips, which i have no idea how to explain.. And he gave me the exact same look while he was riding towards me. Then he stopped and we had this conversation:

abang shahid: tuari nampak kat ni...
deey: kat toys'r us kan??
abang shahid: tu kat toys'rus lain.. tu memang nampak.
deey: so it was u lah that time..
abang shahid: yaa. takde nie, semalam nmpk u kat anak melayu
deey: (terkejut giler babi) anak melayu?! u have anak melayu?? abeh nampak kat anak melayu.. malunyerr..
abang shahid: (tersengih dan ketawe and rode off)

paiseh lah ok. hahaha.. of all places seh. mak kaoz. malu lahhh. i mean, i know that one of the Abang ranger has an AM. His name is Hazri. I talked to him before while waiting for my uncle (who also works as a ranger). And i got to know Amy (Thabri), also a ranger, from AM as well and we got really close before all the drama happend.

But, Abang Shahid is like, the last person i want to know that i've got AM. Like, viewing all my pics there.. Not that it's obscene or what. It just feels weird thats all.

But i shouldn't care anymore lah actually.

i have a boyfriend and i'm very much in love with my boyfriend and i also know that my boyfriend is very very much in love with me. khekhe. and my boyfriend's just the greatest boyfriend i've ever had. =)

This Saturday, not only will be it be Hari Raya Aidilfitri, but, it will also be our 2nd month together, Insya Allah.

I'm so happy that, i've finally found myself a real relationship after all these years. the relationship which i've been waiting for with the person whom i love unconditionally. He was there all along in my life, for 2 years. But i guess, we were too caught up with our own lives that, we've never really thought that we could ever be who we are today. Everything's just so surreal with him. He's not only my boyfriend, but he's also my best friend, my listening ear and my comfort. Sure, we argue but, he sure does give in a lot and i should stop picking fights with him.

ku terpaut sejak pertemuan itu, hatiku berkata ingin mengenalimu

the first line Ku Ukir Namamu by Lovehunters. he felt that way. the first time he saw me was back in 2005. he saw me, i didn't see him.

then, as fate would have it, we got to know each other from Anak Melayu. We'd chat once in a while, we've got that common interest. The next time, we saw each other was when he was out in Sentosa with his friends back in early or mid 2006. One of his friends was my friend, so i was talking to my friend and he said Hi to me. i was like, ohh hi.. haha.. Then, we were just hi-bye friends. We didnt msg each other. It was only his once in a while good night msges or take care msges.

and he would be around. like late last year, around October 2006? saw him once in a while. he was preparing for an event, i was preparing for another separate event. and then, we would bump into each other once in a while. he would disturb me but i was shy and step mane peh sombong uh and we didnt really talk that much.

and then there was this event, last march 2007. i was preparing for this event. and the day before the event, i msged him if he was taking part in the event but he said he wasn't and he was just watching. so, i was like, ok. and during the event, while watching, i saw him on stage. he was the lead singer. and it was the first time i saw him sing and boy was he good.

after the event, i saw him again. i said to him sarcastically.. "dengar2 orang tu kate tak main aper.." and he just smiled and i walked off. 2 days later, he called me up. and we talked for hours. 3 hours? 4 hours? i can't really remember. but that was the day when i found out, that he liked me eversince the first time he saw me in 2005. and we became a couple. and we broke up a few days later coz of my dad. that was like, at 4 am and i was asleep and i woke up and read the msg and cried on the spot. and a week later, we got together again. and then we broke up again coz he said his mum found out. He promised me that we'd be close friends.

and after that we never got together again till 13th August 2007.

i've never really loved anybody else ever since we broke up the 2nd time. there was never anyone like him. i tried to love another but i could never bring myself to love anyone else except him. i waited for 4 months, everyday in pain and hurt. Initially, the pain was that, you know that you love someone, and that someone loves you too, but you two just cant be together coz the situation doesnt permit it. it hurts effing bad. and then, as time goes by, the anxiety and curiosity thinking whether he still has feelings for me hurts me.

but patience.. helped me through. the day that he said he still loved me was unforgettable. and the day that we got back together was unexplainable. this time round, no more excuses. no more obstruction. his love was what i wanted the most in the world. and i've got it now. and this time, i'm not letting go that easily.

he's the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

lautan api sudah pun ku renangi, ku ukirkan namamu di hati yang jadi pujaanku